Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Beyonce Knows My Name

So you guys. I’ve needed a few days to process all of my “Lemonade” news before blogging about it, thank you for giving me space and respecting my process.

“UM WHAT IS HAPPENING.” Basically, this is the gist of the emails and texts I’ve gotten since early Sunday morning. And one of them was an email from my boss (who is in his 50s but knew enough to refer to Beyonce as “The Queen.”) He proceeded to ask me what on earth all of the hub-bub was about after reading an apparently uninformative article on HuffPo, so I spent several minutes in his office giving him the scoop and I’m pretty sure he’s gonna give me a raise because I’m so impressive and spend my time wisely on important things.

BUT YOU GUYS. Can we just focus on the most important thing that has come out of Beyonce’s new visual album experience (what?): SHE USED MY NAME #ohmygodi’mfamous. Granted, it was in reference to someone who maybe or maybe not cheated with her husband. BUT STILL.

Which is why I love my friends.



Oh! Speaking of music, yesterday I was feeding RJC her dinner while Pandora played, and the Eagles song “Hotel California” came on. I was taking a video of her for our family and happened to be singing along.

“Welcome to the hotel California…..such a lonely place….such a lonely place.”

Which apparently aren’t the words? But I didn’t know that until I posted the video and then my cousin was like:

NK: “One of the many reasons I love you is how badly you fudge up song lyrics bc I too make up my own words! But hotel California is a lovely NOT lonely place.”
Me: “Oh my god I love you. While singing it I was like “not sure these are the right lyrics, whatever.”

Then later, I got this text from her:

NK: “We came out to grab a bite and walk in and hotel California came on…such a lonely place, I hope the food is good.”


Amazing. 

Anyway, lemonade for everyone! Happy Wednesday! 




Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Conversations from Cohabitation

Last night, CB turned to me while we were both playing Solitaire on our phones. Or, as we like to call it, spending quality time together after RJC goes to sleep.

Anyway. We then had this stimulating conversation:

CB: “You play Solitaire on your phone, right?”
Me, holding up my phone to show him: “Duh.”
CB: “Have you ever checked your stats on the leaderboard?”
Me: “Like, my time and how many moves it took me to win?”
CB: “No, no, where you rank with everyone else who plays, not your personal best.”
Me: “Oh. No, I didn’t know that was a thing.”
CB: “Yeah, when you win it gives you the option of clicking on the leaderboard and then shows you the various rankings.”
Me: “Well now I have to play and win so I can see.”
CB, showing me what it looks like on his phone: “See? Shows single draw, three-card draw…”
Me: “Wait, do you play single or three-card?”
CB: “Single.”
Me: “You’re totally cheating.”
CB, laughing: “How is that cheating?”
Me: “That’s not a challenge at all! You literally get the option of all of the cards! No, you have to do three-card. I’d never play with you.”
CB: “Um, it’s Solitaire, it’s kind of the point that you don’t play with anyone else.”
Me: “Whatever, you know what I mean.”

Silence while we both became cooler.

Me: “You don’t have the hints option on do you?”
CB, smiling: “Yeah.”
Me: “OH my god you’re the worst! That’s TOTALLY cheating!”
CB: “No, it’s never even been helpful, it always just tells me there are no more moves.”
Me: “You need to turn the hints off and play three-card. C’mon, step up your game.”

Silence.

CB: “This is so annoying.”
Me: “Three-card?”
CB: “Yeah.”
Me: “I told you. But it’s the only way to play.”

Silence.

Me: “God we’re cool.”

Silence.

Me: “We’re in charge of another person’s life.”
CB: “Shh, I’m trying to win and get on the leaderboard.”

***

This morning, RJC was “talking” while in her crib, yelling (play-yelling, not, like, neighbors-pounding-on-the-wall-yelling), singing, etc. She did this for 15 minutes while she could’ve been sleeping.

Me: “She’s so funny. She fights sleep for no reason, it’s like she can’t not talk.”
CB: “Yeah, every morning.”
Me: “Why is our daughter so crazy?”
CB: “Because she’s biologically half-you.”


Happy Wednesday! 

Friday, April 15, 2016

Friday Wrapup

Let's get to it!

***

First, the book of the week. This book is "Kafka On The Shore" by Haruki Murakami. If you've been paying attention, you've noticed that we like Murakami in this family. So check it out! I'm currently putting "The Snow Child" on hold, reading the biography of The Wright Brothers that CB finished, and CB is now reading "The Girl on the Train" so that we can talk about it, ohmygod.

***

YOU GUYS.

The Gym Sleeper has struck again. And this time, there's video. Because I have zero shame, just like The Gym Sleeper. Also, I find it necessary to text CB pictures throughout the week. But then yesterday, after laying there for 15 minutes while I worked out (and God knows how long prior to me getting there), he moved!

Enjoy.

video

Oh, also - last night, CB, his sister, and I all spent at least 10 solid minutes talking about this guy, and now they've decided I have to get to the bottom of it. The question now is how I go about it.

Show concern?

"Hey, are you alright? I noticed that you're sleeping at the gym."

Or be a rat who pretends to be concerned?

"Hey, person who works at the gym, I noticed a guy sleeping over on the mats - is he ok?"

Or continue to wonder and silently judge while snapping photographs?

I choose that option.

***

And now, the Video of the Week, courtesy of CB! Happy Friday!



Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Updates!

Ok, so I have two unsatisfactory updates for you:

First – the guy at the gym who sleeps? Still sleeping. Like, every day. I tried taking his picture yesterday but was too embarrassed because there were a lot of people around. Oddly, that didn’t shame him from sleeping/laying around at the gym.

Second – Our neighbors have been silent since I shut it down with my sharply worded letter more than a week ago. By “sharply worded,” I mean that I wrote “please” a lot. And then gave them ear plugs. It’s possible that they’ll bang when they want more gifts, but we’ll see. So far, so good. It’s been 10 days-ish and counting. Oh, and also, RJC hasn’t cried. So there’s that. Because she’s a dream child.

I told you that was unsatisfactory. But a lot of you have asked, so I wanted to give you an update! Also, my life has been a blur and CB and I haven’t even had more than five consecutive awake minutes alone together for the last several days, so I don’t even have conversations from cohabitation to share! Fail.

Mainly, our conversations these days are “Hey, could you change her diaper and I’m gonna hop in the shower?” or “Here’s her breakfast, bye! Love you!” or “Ok, goodnight!”

Not very exciting. But it’s where we’re at right now and we’re working on this whole “balance” and “spend more quality time together” thing. Which, as it turns out, is even more challenging with a baby than it was when it was just the two of us! Balance balance balance. I’m bad at it and I’m working on it. Standby.


Happy Wednesday! 

Friday, April 8, 2016

Friday Wrapup

Let's get to it!

***

This week's book is "To Conquer the Air" by James Tobin. This works in nicely with what CB is reading right now, David McCullough's biography on The Wright Brothers. So, this book review sounds right up his ally - yay air travel! (boo current air travel). Click here to check it out and then browse around for other non-air travel recommendations! (thanks, dad!)

***

YOU GUYS. Ok, so it's not news to anyone who has spent about three minutes on this blog that I get annoyed by random things. However, I'm going to make a guess that what I'm about to tell you will TOTALLY ANNOY YOU TOO.


What is that, you say? Oh nothing, just people working out at the gym. Wait, I'm sorry, no it's not. It's people NAPPING AT THE GYM. And so I took their picture because I was trying to shame them into getting up, which didn't work, surprisingly. So I put my towel (pictured above) as close to Sleeping Man #2, brought out my phone, took this picture, and then texted it to CB.



If you're using deductive reasoning skills, you'll deduce that CB knew what I was talking about because it's possible I've brought this up several times at dinner. BECAUSE I CANNOT DEAL. The guy in the grey hooded sweatshirt does this approximately twice a week. He uses workout equipment TO NAP ON. Yes, I'm yelling. 

But the guy next to him was new! Um, you guys, the mats aren't like in kindergarten, they're NOT FOR NAPPING (still yelling). 

So then I do something that maybe says more about my weird psyche than their extreme laziness - I'm compelled to work out harder. Why? I don't know, maybe to guilt them into feeling bad? But as my co-worker said (oh, um, it's possible I brought it up at work, too) "If they're the type of people who sleep at the gym out in the open like that, they're not the people who are going to feel guilty if you're working out really hard right next to them." 

Which makes sense. But I still can't stop. To the point that I think I maybe pulled a calf muscle? TOTALLY NORMAL. (yelling will commence.)

Anyway. Would this mildly irritate you, moderately irritate you, or extremely irritate you? Notice that I do not give you an option of not being irritated at all, because I cannot deal with that option. 

***

And now, the Video of the Week! Happy Friday, everyone! 






Friday, April 1, 2016

Friday Wrapup

Let's get to it!

***

This week's book is "The First Fifteen Lives of Harry August" by Claire North. Sounds pretty cool, like something I'd read when I FINALLY FINISH THE SNOW CHILD. You guys. Maybe I shouldn't have read the book just after reading "The Girl on the Train," because that book was pretty fast to get through and was a literal page-turner. Ok, not literal, since it was on my Kindle, but you get the gist. However, "The Snow Child" is.....not. It's not bad, don't get me wrong. But I feel like I could actually go take a nap in the snow, wake up, and only have read one more page. So we'll see.

But check out this week's book and browse around for other inspiration - CB and I have been blazing through our family book blog lists (CB more than me, since I go to bed after Jeopardy) and it's fun (if you're cool like us).

***

Speaking of being cool...J-Lo. I don't care, I don't want to hear it! If you don't like her, you're wrong. I mean...yeah, you're wrong. I've loved J-Lo since college and I've hung on for the ride during the "Gigli" years. It's 14 minutes long, but it's Friday, so enjoy. (totally worth it for the text to Leonardo DiCaprio ALONE. Oh my god, Boo Boo.)





***

Also speaking of cool: RJC's parents. We spent 15 minutes this morning Googling "Sesame Street Actors from the 1980s" because we were confused as to why Alan looked familiar, yet too young to have been on Sesame Street when we were watching as kids. But who on earth was running Mr. Hooper's grocery store during our formative years?

These are important questions. A similarly important question is when I look at CB and say "Can you believe we have a child? Like, we're in charge of a person and this is what we're doing with our time." Also, we know that RJC can't understand what's going on at "Sesame Street" quite yet, but she claps and smiles every time she hears the theme song, so we let it run for the 5 minutes it keeps her entertained. Which, apparently, is all it took for us to go into the Sesame Street rabbit hole.

***

And continuing on the cool streak, this week, CB came home to tell me that he couldn't download the boring podcast he listens to each week and so, he stalked looked up the woman who hosts on Twitter, tweeted her that he was having trouble and could she help?, and then was excited when she used his name in her Twitter response back to him about how she couldn't help, but thanks anyway. Like, you guys, he came home and told me about it, that's how excited he was.

SO, I hated to burst his bubble when I one-upped him in the cool person department on Wednesday, but it had to be done. I found out that Leah Remini's reality show, "It's All Relative," was not renewed for a third season. That show was with me during maternity leave and had us laughing all the time. We're oddly attached to them because we don't have actual lives of our own. SO, even though I never use Twitter, I decided to tween TLC and be like "I can't believe you didn't renew it, oh my god" (paraphrase). And then Leah Remini favorited my tweet.

So then I was like "CB, Leah Remini is my best friend" and he legit looked impressed when shown the tweet, and deflated, because he was no longer the cool Tweeter.

WE ARE IN CHARGE OF A CHILD.

***

And now the Video of the Week. This came on during my commute today and I hadn't heard this song in forever, but seemed fitting somehow. So here you go - happy Friday, happy April Fools (is that a thing?) and happy weekend!























Monday, March 28, 2016

I Bet the Dalai Lama Never Had Neighbors

Last night, RJC decided to wake up at 2:45am, crying, with a diaper full of the world’s poop. This happens about two to three times per month, and so we can’t really complain that our nine month old, on occasion, needs us to do some diapes and wipes in the middle of the night. I’m not saying that I’m thrilled to be maneuvering my way around her poop in the dark, but it’s part of the gig and she’s super sweet most of the time, so I comply. Also, I’m pretty sure she’d much rather be taking care of business herself, but since she’s still mastering the art of getting the Cheerio directly into her mouth on the first try, we’ll give her a pass.

HOWEVER. The people I will no longer give a pass to are our neighbors, who suck.

Oh, I should mention that, while it’s difficult to tell at this moment, I’ve recently been working on being more Zen. I keep a few running mantras handy in my head to stay centered and more peaceful, since I don’t like it when my blood pressure rises, giving way to grumpiness and a cycle of feeling bummed out about humanity. Which totally happened last night when I found myself literally kicking a wall.

Also part of the Zen practice, if you didn’t know.

First, some background: about three months ago, RJC hated everything about being left to sleep alone in her crib for longer than 20 minutes at a stretch. As you can imagine, this was an incredibly fun part of our parenting journey and CB and I have never been more rested or centered in our lives.

So, we spoke to the pediatrician at her checkup, with desperation in our eyes, to ask about how we could stop this and enjoy life again. And while her doctor wouldn’t tell us how or when to “sleep train” our little bundle of immense joy and pleasure, she did answer my question with the quickness of a hummingbird’s fluttering wing when I asked: “Have you seen negative effects of sleep training?” and she spat out “No, only positive.” She then went on to explain how important consistency is for both RJC and us, and reminded us that we needed to be comfortable with whatever choices we made regarding this issue.

And so, after reading a LOT, talking to friends, and assessing that we simply could not function on four interrupted hours of sleep per night and stay married/living in the world, we decided on a staggered method of sleep training where we’d let her cry for two minutes, go in. Cry for five minutes, go in. Cry for eight minutes, go in. And so on. Luckily, our daughter would cry for no more than about ten minutes straight, and wasn’t even giving it her best (we knew – we’d heard her best). Finally, after about ten minutes, she’d realize we weren’t coming back to play and would go to sleep. It took about three days. Which makes most parents who have experienced sleep training hate us, since apparently some kids really dig in and give it a go. RJC, it turned out, really just wanted to sleep and picked up on what was going on pretty quickly.

HOWEVER. Our neighbors, apparently, couldn’t deal.

On Day 1, which happened on a Saturday night at 8pm, RJC was intermittently crying for about five minutes when we heard loud banging on her wall from our living room. We looked at each other.

CB: “Did the neighbors just bang on the wall?”
Me: “I’ll kill them.”

BANG BANG BANG.

CB: MANY CURSE WORDS.
Me: REPLYING IN ONLY CURSE WORDS.

So this kind of blew sleep training on night one, since they banged consistently every time she’d cry. Eventually, we went in and basically set everything back to the way it was. I hated them with the heat of a nova and discussed this with CB.

CB: “I’m going over there.”
Me: “No, we can’t have the first time we meet our neighbors be when you’re yelling.”
CB: “I won’t yell. Unless they’re dicks about it.”
Me: “We need to be the bigger people here. I mean, a crying baby is annoying, especially when it’s not yours. So I get that. But it’s Saturday night. It’s not a Tuesday at 3 am or anything, and she’s not a crier. Plus, I have to take the pictures down from her wall because they shake when there’s banging and if a frame falls into her crib, I’ll murder them.”
CB: “Ok, I agree. But if they keep it up, I’m definitely going over there.”
Me: “Deal.”

So I texted Beth, she suggested a Dunkin Donuts gift card or something to be like “Dude, we get it. Here’s some free coffee to ease your fake-pain of listening to the child that came from my body cry for a few minutes. How dare she.” (paraphrased)

The next day, on my way home from work, I bought a blank card with a piglet on it (ADORABLE), a bottle of red wine (GENIUS), and a Dunkin Donuts gift card (EXTRA!) and got to work. I wrote out a little note from Rauri, explaining that she was six months old and that, NEWS!, babies cry sometimes. We understand that sharing a wall with that baby can be annoying, and so, here’s some wine and coffee, neighbors! Quit banging! (again, paraphrased)

The banging stopped for a few weeks, but also, so did the crying. Like I said, she cries, on average, about three times per month. However, here and there, when she’d sneak in a cranky night, the banging started coming back. Not every time, but over the last month or so, it’s been ramping back up, along with my blood pressure. And I should mention that, until last night, it’s happened while CB and I are still awake (which tells you how early it is each time, since we’re insanely lame.)

But last night, I’d had it. RJC woke up, cried, I got up, made a bottle, went into her room, smelled what was happening down below, and changed her. This took approximately 4-6 minutes, and then she stopped yelling at me when I finally gave her the bottle. However, during the yell-crying, the banging started and I LOST MY MIND. But since I was responsible for this little life on the changing table, I kept it together, mantra’d the hell out of the moment, and finished my mom-tasks.

THEN, I kicked the wall as hard as I could twice to send the message I’ve wanted to send for three months. YOU GUYS SUCK SOOOOOOO BAD AND I WILL KICK A WALL BECAUSE OF IT, EVEN THOUGH I’M A ZEN GROWN-UP.

Cut to: back in bed.

Me: “I hate our (expletive) neighbors.”
CB: “Me too.”
Me: “I had to bang back tonight.”
CB: “I know, I could hear it on the monitor. Nice work.”

And then I grumbled my displeasure into my pillow until we both fell back to sleep.

And then woke up this morning and continued louder grumbling!

CB: “I don’t think I can go over there or we might get evicted.”
Me: “Agreed. But I want to warn you that, if I go over there and they sass back, I’ll use offensive language, most likely, which wouldn’t be productive.”
CB: “Hmmmm.”
Me: “My thought is, we’ve tried to be understanding and even neighborly with our approach. But babies cry sometimes. Banging does nothing but make her cry more, anger us, and resolve nothing. So next time it happens – whether it’s 8pm or 3 in the morning – I’m going over there. Sometimes, if someone has to see your face, it makes it harder to be a jerk. But they really need to knock it off or come talk to us so we can explain how baby humans work.”
CB: “Sounds good. And if that doesn’t work, can I go over there?”
Me: “Yes, but we’ll have to know the availability of apartments in our neighborhood before doing so.”
CB: “Deal.”


So….stay tuned!  And also, any suggestions? 

Thursday, March 24, 2016

Tequila Mockingbird and Bleaching the Evidence

So the other day I was having a conversation with my mother-in-law in which I discussed my knee-jerk reaction to bleach. As you do.

Me: “Every time I smell bleach, I think of death.”
MIL: silence.
Me: “Like, I just assume there’s been blood there and someone needed to bleach the crime scene. Even in the elevator of our building. I smell it and I think ‘Did someone die?’”
MIL: “So…….you don’t think, maybe, that it’s just really clean? I think “clean” when I smell bleach.”
Me: “I think death.”
MIL, giving me the side-eye: “That’s…….”
Me: “I know, this is one of those things that I think is a thing everyone thinks. And then I say it out loud and realize that it’s definitely not a thing.”
MIL: “It’s definitely not a thing. That’s a Becky thing.”
Me: “This is why CB tells me not to say these things out loud to other people. Because of that look you’re giving me.”
MIL: “Yeah, might be best not to share this one.”

So obviously I’ll blog about it.

But it got me to thinking about other things throughout my life that are less death-oriented, yet still things that I thought were things that are not things.

Such as:

The book “To Kill a Mockingbird” I thought was “Tequila Mockingbird” for several years in school. And, while the original is a classic that I love, I’d go ahead and read me some “Tequila Mockingbird,” too.

I thought the phrase “might as well” was “mind as well” and wrote it that way late into my twenties. Until Courtney was like “you realize that you’re writing/saying it wrong, right?” To which I did not realize that and then pretended like I didn’t know what she was talking about.

I thought the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man was the State Puff Marshmallow Man. Like, a state mascot for delicious sugary treats. Which I’d totally get on board with, by the way.

When someone says “Easy-peezy” I immediately say “George and Wheezy.” That’s not so much a thing that I thought was a thing, but more a thing that should be a thing because it always makes CB laugh. Just like when someone says it’s chilly outside and I say “It’s chilly con queso.” Which I know makes no sense, but it also makes CB laugh, so I continue to do it.

And then this one, which came up recently. When I go to get, say, a cookie, and there is only one other cookie left, I feel bad for the other cookie and say “it’s ok, I’ll be back.” Not in a threatening way or anything, more in a comforting, "don't worry, you're not alone" kind of way.

Or if there are, say, a bunch of cookies, but one cookie is on the other side of the tin, far away from the other cookies, I’ll move it to be near its friends.

WHICH I made the mistake of telling CB the other day when I was re-heating pizza.

Me: “I feel bad when I leave one piece of pizza alone in the box. But I just can’t eat all of it.”
CB: “You feel bad?”
Me: “Yeah….I always have to apologize to the food I leave behind. Don't you?”
CB: “Apologize to my food? No.”
Me: “Yeah, me either.”

Silence.

Me: “But you don’t feel bad if you leave, like, one apple behind?”
CB: “We’re not troops in a war, it’s an apple. It doesn’t have feelings.”
Me: “How do you know?”
CB: “Ok, so you’re telling me that, if this apple has feelings, that it’d rather you bite it and eat it and digest it rather than leave it alone in the refrigerator?”
Me: “Well then at least it’d be with the other food in my stomach.”
CB: “There’s something seriously wrong with you.”
Me: “This is not news. You said it’s one of the reasons you married me - it’ll never be boring!”
CB: “Yes, never boring, always crazy.”


Happy Thursday, everyone! 

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

MFEO

I must share what is maybe one of the more exciting days in my life, which can be used as a barometer by you to determine how incredible my life is on daily basis. 

Over the weekend, I received this in the mail. To be fair, I knew it was coming since I ordered it myself. 


For those of you who do not understand this Golden Girls reference...well, I'm not quite sure why you visit this blog since you clearly don't have anything in common with me. 

Anyway, I came out and CB was like "Oh wow. There's something wrong with you." And then continued on with his day, which is the first reason to know that we're MFEO. 

The SECOND is because, randomly the other morning, I received this text from him:

CB: Is it me or is this jar of peanut butter mislabeled? I mean, there are a couple peanuts in there but "Superchunk" is just straight up false advertising.

Which was like MIND-READING since I was just thinking to myself earlier that morning how creamy the chunky peanut butter was. So I responded: 

Me: Yes! I thought the same thing! It's so creamy!!

And then we went about our days. 

However, in the middle of the day yesterday, I got this email from CB: 

"I just wrote to Hormel....they own Skippy and their website has a questions/comments/etc section so I figured I'd tell them I was disappointed in our recent Super Chunk...check it out: 

My wife and I buy 2 jars of Skippy Super Chunk peanut butter per week and yesterday I opened the container and with the exception of a couple of uncrushed peanuts, it was the smoothest peanut butter I'd ever seen. I love Skippy but I will have to buy a different brand if the Super Chunk continues to look like creamy peanut butter. 

Sincerely, 
A Disappointed Skippy Fan"

To which I responded that first, he makes us sound like fatties who buy two jars of peanut butter a week. To be clear, we buy one, but he told me later that it was "for effect and to get the point across that we're loyal consumers." 

Noted. 

I take full responsibility for creating this monster and I love it. Also, he said that he did it for two reasons: 1, to make me laugh and 2, because maybe they'd send us a free jar of peanut butter and that would be awesome. 

Because, as indicated above, our lives are incredibly exciting and this makes us endlessly happy. However, I think I thought that maybe the monster I'd created was fully formed, because this morning, after CB beautifully made the bed (in case I die and someone comes in and the bed isn't made and then thinks I'm a sloppy dead person, we've been over this) I thanked him, gave him a hug and said:

Me: "So, can I ask you a pillow favor?"
CB: "Oh God, now what?"
Me: "No, no, it's no big deal. It's just...have you ever noticed that the decorative pillows have zippers?"
CB: "Yeah."
Me: "If you happen to notice, do you mind turning the pillows zipper down?"
CB: "Wow. You are a piece of work."

So, you know.....he's still the CB we know and love, don't worry. 

Happy Wednesday! 

















Monday, March 14, 2016

Conversations from Cohabitation

The other night, CB and I were driving home from a party about an hour away. One of us went to the bathroom before leaving.

CB: “I’m dying. Can you please hurry.”
Me, laughing: “I don’t understand why you didn’t go before we left.”
CB: “I didn’t have to go before we left.”

Me, driving, hitting a bump. CB, being dramatic.

Me: “I realize this makes me a terrible human being and wife, but I’m getting pleasure out of your pain. You’re really dramatic about this.”
CB: “I’m not dramatic, I’m in physical pain! I think I’m doing actual damage!”

Finally, we arrived home, he sprinted into the bathroom, and then we had this conversation.

Me: “You’re very dramatic when you have to go to the bathroom.”
CB: “Yes, I’m the dramatic one in this relationship.”

Silence.

CB: “That was really rough, I was this close to peeing in one of the cups from our iced coffees earlier.”
Me: “I don’t know why you didn’t.”
CB: “I didn’t want you to watch me pee.”
Me: “Why would I watch you pee, I was driving! And I still don’t understand why you didn’t just pre-go before we left the restaurant.”
CB: “Because I didn’t have to go then and I almost never have to go. The last time I went to the bathroom was this morning.”
Me, staring at him: “Wait. You only peed twice today?!”
CB, laughing: “Yeah. I usually only go once in the morning and once at night.”
Me: “That’s unhealthy, something’s wrong with your kidneys. I go, like, every hour or hour and a half.”
CB: “Yeah but you’re constantly drinking water.”
Me: “Correct. I’m properly hydrated.”
CB: “I just don’t need the hydration you do.”
Me: “That’s not normal.”

Silence.

Me: “If we were in a desert, I’d for sure be the first to die from dehydration, and at least part of it would be your fault.”
CB: “How would that be my fault?”
Me: “Because I couldn’t even drink your pee to stay alive.”
CB: “That’s gross.”
Me: “It’s true. It’s sterile.”
CB: “That doesn’t make it less gross.”

Friday, March 11, 2016

Friday Wrapup

Let's get to it!

***

I love greeting Spring with some optimism! (I literally copied that phrase from the review) And I think you guys will, too! Check out the newest post here - sounds like a winner to me. I'm currently reading "The Snow Child." My sister said it was one of the best books she's read in years, my parents agreed. Um, I hope it picks up soon because literally every night I find myself getting more depressed and googling "videos of cute puppies" so I'll remember the goodness in the world. Get it together, Snow Child!

This better not be like the time my family tricked me into reading "Year of Wonder," which had me hoping I'd get the plague while reading so I wouldn't have to finish it. Sadly, I did not. 

***

There's a lot of negativity out there right now and I find myself wanting to go further towards the light to combat it. Not, like, "I'm going towards the light, bye!" - so don't get nervous. But the darkness of the political world combined with the news would make anyone want to crawl under their sheets and never emerge. 

Which is when I turn on my go-to hit, "I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me)" and let Whitney remind me that it's all gonna be ok. I suggest you do the same. 

***

This week's video is just plain and simple a great song. I love Brandi Carlile and I love this song. And so I'm sharing. 

Happy Friday!



Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Conversations from Cohabitation

CB and I are meant to be for many reasons. However, this conversation is evidence of how his humoring me is a major indicator of our potential for lasting success.

The other day, we had this discussion while watching a commercial for Cinnamon Toast Crunch:

Me: “Man, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is delicious.”
CB: “The best.”
Me: “Especially the milk when you’re done with the cereal.”
CB: “Yes! That was always my favorite part.”
Me: “When we were kids, my mom would sometimes let us pick a special cereal that she wouldn’t typically buy for us. I remember very vividly being really excited when I chose Cookie Crisp. Literally you’re eating cookies for breakfast.”
CB: “Yeah, my grandma would have those variety packs.”
Me: “Yessssssss. Those were the best.”

Silence.

Me: “How would you rank your favorite bad-for-you cereals?”
CB, thinking.
Me, impatient: “For me it’d be Lucky Charms, then Cookie Crisp…..”
CB: “Yeah, those are both good. But I think Cinnamon Toast Crunch would be first…”
Me: “That’s up there for me, too.”
CB: “Pops were good, Fruit Loops, Apple Jacks…”
Me: “You’re just naming delicious breakfast cereals, but not ranking them.”
CB, laughing: “Definitely Cinnamon Toast Crunch first….maybe Fruity Pebbles second?”
Me: “Ooh! I liked Smacks, too. ”
CB: “Those were good.”
Me: “And Golden Grahams.”
CB: “Oh man, my mom used to break up graham crackers and put them in milk. That’s definitely top for me. That’s soooo good.”
Me: “I never really got into Fruity Pebbles, but they were good. I mean, if we had them in the house, I’d eat them for sure.”
CB: “Definitely.”
Me: “You know what was always good dry? Frosted Flakes.”
CB: “Yeah, Frosted Flakes weren’t bad.”
Me: “And frosted mini wheats. Basically anything frosted.”
CB: “Eh, frosted mini wheats are too dry.”
Me: “They have frosting on them.”
CB: “Not interested.”

Two days later, via email:

Me: “We forgot Captain Crunch!”
CB: “Haha not a fan. I actually don’t think I’ve ever had it.”
Me: “Um, HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE. That’s absurd. Also, you said “not a fan” and then told me you actually don’t think you’ve ever had it. You can’t be both! I love it. I will buy it. You will try it and I bet you will like it.”
CB: “It looks boring! And I heard rumors it cuts the roof of your mouth up.”
Me: “Um, you’ve heard Captain Crunch rumors? That’s a thing?”
CB: “I googled Cap’n Crunch and apparently it was a thing.”
Me: “That’s not hearing rumors, for the record, that’s googling Cap’n Crunch.”

Friday, February 26, 2016

Friday Wrapup

Let's get to it!

***

This week's book is "Gould's Book of Fish" by Richard Flanagan. He also wrote "The Narrow Road to the Deep North," which has been blogged about, too. It's on our list (mine and CB's) of books to read in the coming months - CB just finished this one and is currently reading this one . I'm obsessed with this book  at the moment and it's all because of the book blog!

Last week, after I posted this book, my sister texted that she wasn't sure if she should read it or not, but after reading my review, decided to check it out - and was really enjoying it, last we spoke. SO, check out the newest post this week and then browse around for other inspiration - it's what all the cool kids are doing, you guys.

***

While I'm a grown-up with a child, that does not mean that I, too, am not still a child. Or I'm regressing?

Last night, while watching Jeopardy, I couldn't even make it to Final Jeopardy because I was so tired.Which I realize may be the saddest sentence ever written by an adult in their 30s. So I went to bed.

At 7:20.

Literally, CB could have a second family and I would never know it. Our daughter goes to sleep at 6, I'm in bed AT THE LATEST by 8:45, and so he could be calling his other family being like "Ok, on my way home!"

But as my friend Patrick so eloquently put it this morning: "Yeah, he could be doing that, but he's not because he's already committed to his boring life with you."

Poor CB.

Anyway, this morning I had to run back upstairs after getting all the way downstairs in my building to get my hat and gloves. Then I realized, halfway to the train, that I forgot my headphones, so my mother-in-law loaned me hers. Then I hopped out of her car to run to the train, forgetting my hat and gloves in the car - so I ran back as the light was changing green, thanked the people behind her for being patient while I attempted to get my sh*t together, and started running to the sidewalk again. That's when my mother-in-law and the people behind her started honking. Because one of my gloves was in the middle of the street.

HOW am I responsible for another human life? Thank goodness she's relatively self-sufficient and has mastered the art of shaking her head no when she disapproves of my choices and claps when she's thrilled by them.

***

Um, you guys. Someone posted this on Facebook this morning and had me BAWLING at my desk. I have the best parents in the world who were my first and best role models and now I'm fortunate to be married to a man who is doing the same for our daughter. So listening to this song broke my heart. And I'm not even emotional and pregnant! So obviously I've made it the Video of the Week. (As CB said "Why don't you try not to watch things that make you cry first thing in the morning?")

It's like he doesn't know me at all.

Happy Friday! (after you cry)


Thursday, February 25, 2016

My Friends Are the Best

So living with CB over the last few years has taught me many things about myself. For example,the following are facets of my delightful personality that I was unaware of, prior to moving in with my husband: 
  • I believe there is a right way and a wrong way to do things. Specifically, I do things the right way and he leaves cupboard/medicine cabinet doors open.
  • I do not recycle. We’ve been over this. It’s a major character flaw that will mean my daughter grows up in a landfill, I realize. 
  • I’m a cover/couch hog. While CB is several inches longer than me, he gets the “short couch” while I spread out on the long one and lounge, as I’m designed to do. Also, I sleep with three pillows, he sleeps with one. I sleep with the heavy comforter (since I turn fans on to sleep, another charming trait), he sleeps with one quilt. 
  • I’m a monster.


However, I’ve also learned that I’m a major weirdo. Which may not surprise some/all of you, but when you live in your skin for LITERALLY all of your life, you forget that you’re a little off and assume these are just all things nobody talks about, yet everyone does.

FOR EXAMPLE. Several months ago, CB was in the kitchen and noticed a photo magnet on the refrigerator. He came walking into the living room, where I was lounging, and we had the following conversation:

CB: “Hey, who are these people, have I met them?”
Me, looking at the magnet and laughing: “Oh, no, those are the frame people.”
CB, staring at me: “The what?”
Me: “The frame people. The people whose photo came with the frame.”
CB: “Wait, so then why are they hanging on our refrigerator?”
Me: “Um, that magnet has been there, literally, for months. Maybe even a year or more.”
CB: “WHY have you put up a magnet on our refrigerator of people we don’t even know?”
Me: “More importantly, WHY has it taken you this long to notice?”
CB: “Yes, that’s the unusual part of this story.”
Me: “I put it up there to remind myself I needed to find a photo to go in the frame. And then I forgot and now it’s just part of the other pictures up there.”
CB: “But they’re strangers. Who leaves the photo frame picture in the frame?”
Me: “Um, you married her. If you take the pictures out of every single frame we have in this apartment, you’d find the photo people behind them.”
CB, staring at me: “Are you for real?”
Me, laughing: “Is that not a thing people do?”
CB, laughing harder: “NO! How would that be a thing that people do? Nobody leaves the photo frame people in the frame when they put a picture in there.”

And so, to prove him wrong, I walked over to a picture of our wedding day, took it out, and there was a happy family of three, throwing snow at each other on what I can only assume was an enchanting Vermont ski getaway.

CB, laughing: “You are so crazy.”
Me: “I legitimately have never thought about this. I have done this forever.”
CB: “How did I not know this about you?”
Me: “It’s why you married me, I'm assuming. I promised you that it’d never be boring! I did not, however, promise that it wouldn’t be insane.”
CB: “Well that’s the truth.”

Aren't my friends pretty?



Wednesday, February 24, 2016

I'm nothing if not consistent....

So I really want to be blogging and writing, but my job and laziness are preventing it at the moment. HOWEVER, because I want to keep you guys entertained, I decided to look back at what I was writing about a year ago and, wouldn't you know it, on February 25th last year I did a throwback because I was too lazy to write then, too!

Maybe this'll be a late February tradition - I'll always just cop out and throw it back to when I wasn't so lazy!

Here it is.....

***

So today I was walking behind some moms and their kids, though I have no idea how old these kids were. Let’s just say that they were old enough to walk on their own and young enough that they’re still being supervised by parents. As we’ve firmly established, I struggle knowing how old kids are until they’re about 25.  Anyway, as I was de-tangling my headphones, I started listening to the conversation between the mothers about all things parenting. Usually this is just like white noise to me because, well, I don’t have kids and so it’s pretty boring to listen to unless you do. And maybe even then? Not sure, just guessing.   

Anyway, one of the moms was talking about the organic milk she just found at some store in the city. The other mom then talked about some article she read about the various types of organic food you should be feeding your children and how she won’t shop at the grocery store anymore because she can’t imagine putting that stuff into her kids.

Question: if you don’t go to the grocery store, where do you get your food? The organic farm on your fire escape? I was intrigued. Also, if by “that stuff” she means Oreos, then I consider that child abuse and those kids should immediately be removed from her house and sent to mine until they start to crash from the sugar I give them, at which time I will then promptly send them back.

Meanwhile, their kids may as well have been wrapped in bubble wrap. (sidebar: if/when I have kids, they for SURE will be wrapped in bubble wrap, but that’s merely because they will be the spawn of me and, to be fair, I really should have bubble wrap on at all times to protect myself and others. ) Anyway, the one boy who looked between the ages of 5-15 was wearing a helmet, knee pads, elbow pads, and a vest. The vest had some sort of reflector on it. It was daytime.

The other kid, roughly the same age-range, was wearing all the same stuff except the reflector vest, but wasn’t riding a bike. Or walking along side one. I’m guessing they were sharing? No idea. But boy was he prepared for any kind of trip or fall!

And that got me to thinking: kids today, fresh with the challenges of youth and all things digital, are maybe missing out. Why? Because they totally don’t know what’s coming to ‘em. And what better way to parent than to completely terrify your kids about the realities of the cold, cruel world and let them fall off their bikes and scrape their elbows once in a while?

I should totally write a parenting blog.

So, since I have a really exciting commute, I compiled a list of a few things from my childhood that my niece and all future Becky Kids won’t have the pleasure of experiencing.

Let’s proceed:

Not winning all the time.

When I was a kid, I lost at a lot of things, especially anything math related. And it was all good. Know why? Because when I actually won something or excelled at something, it felt great. But nowadays it seems that everyone wins a trophy! Uh, not to brag or anything, but I totally won a trophy in the form of a piano glass when I was in elementary school because I had the best costume during our piano recital. I was Holly Hobby - obviously -  and that glass is still somewhere at my parent’s house and I still remember how awesome that felt because that outfit was killer.

Be jealous. 
But I digress. The problem, in my opinion, with everyone winning a trophy is that, while I think healthy self-esteem and encouraging kids to find their true selves or whatever is really important, I think it’s also really important to know that when you walk into work on your first day, fresh out of college, you don’t get a raise for knowing how to turn on your computer. Unless my job would like to start rewarding me for doing such a thing, in which case I take back #1 and parents today are totally doing it right.

Falling down and feeling it.

Maybe this is mean and perhaps the reason why the universe has kept kids away from me up until this point, but I think maybe it’s ok sometimes to fall off your bike. Ok, I’ll give you the helmet thing; closed head injuries are bad all around, and boy should I know. But c’mon, it’s called a calculated risk, people! It’s a bike, it’s not motorized, your kid needs to learn some balance already and nothing teaches a kid balance like a few scrapes and bruises.

Future Mother of the Year? Obviously.

And if you’re really intent on getting some sort of lesson out of bike riding that they can take with them that they won’t use against you when they’re in therapy later in life, you can make up some Oprah-esque thing about how riding a bike is like a metaphor for life, and throw in something about balance and learning how to pick yourself up and dust yourself off. OR you could just tell them that sometimes you fall off bikes and sometimes it hurts and that’s what Band-aids are for. Whichever approach works best for you. 

The art of the written word.

Alright, so I’m about to blow some minds up in here, but do you know that kids today (yep, that just came out of my mouth) don’t learn how to write in cursive!!!?? What?? How is that possible???? It boggles the mind. But I think what might be even more disturbing is that they aren’t learning how to communicate like human adults. Or really humans, period. And I’m worried for their future! Because if they don’t know how to even send a proper email, complete with proper punctuation and words spelled out in their entirety, I shudder to think about future work transactions and our ability to survive as a nation.

Also, I realize that I am officially a 344 years old AND an alarmist. But I own those titles proudly, so let’s move on. 

Patience.

I will admit that I struggle with this and I grew up in the 80s, long before bike helmets and organic Oreos, so perhaps we could all learn from this one. But remember the days when you had to wait for a show to be on at, like, the time it just came on the tv? No Tivo, no On Demand. If you missed the Cosby Show you had to put up with everyone else talking about it the next day who didn’t forget that yesterday was Thursday.

If you wanted to listen to music and remembered that one of your favorite songs was track 5, you had to fast forward, rewind, or flip over the tape to do so. And you listened to entire albums, usually out of sheer laziness, but hey, it worked for us. Also, it’s the reason I can still recite every single lyric to every single song from the “Merry Merry Christmas” album by the New Kids on the Block. But whatever.

“We owe you one, tape players!” 

Oh! And you had to look stuff up in a book! I know, right? Again, I struggle with this one, too, since we all know my love for all things Google. But kids today (there it is again!) don’t even know what the Dewey Decimal System is! For shame. And I won’t even get into the days when we all had to wait a week for our film to get developed and ended up with 22 doubles of my mom’s left index finger and a picture of our family cat running in front of the one shot that came out not blurry.

And there you have it. An incomplete list of things that worry me about “kids today,” complete with non-anachronistic examples! Win/win. Also, highly important to all parents, I’m sure, and something that will likely turn the tables of parenting as we know it. Obviously. So if you have anything to add to the list, let me know!

Happy Hump Day! 

Friday, February 19, 2016

Friday Wrapup

Let's get to it!

***

This week's books is "Big Magic" by Elizabeth Gilbert. You guys, I kept my promise to post -  for once! Click here to check it out!


***

Last night, as CB was getting into bed, he grabbed the back scratcher and started going at it.

Me: "You have an itch?"
CB: "Yeah, just dry skin."
Me: "Did you put lotion on it?"
CB: "No."
Me: "Do you want me to put lotion on it?"
CB: "No, then I'll have lotion on my back."
Me, staring at him: "Right. So your back wouldn't itch anymore."
CB: "Yeah, but then it'd just be on my back."
Me: "How much lotion are you putting on? Too much if you still feel it once you RUB IT IN."
CB, laughing: "I don't want to feel the lotion on my skin."
Me: "That makes zero sense. That's like saying 'I'd take a shower, but I don't want to feel the water.' The water eventually drys or absorbs into your skin. Just like lotion."
CB: "Are you done?"
Me: "I'll never be done."
CB, rolling over: "This I know." 

***

And now, the Video of the Week! I made CB a sappy Valentine's Day gift that incorporated this song, so obviously it reminds me of him, and since I have been giving him a hard time all week/life, I thought I'd dedicate it to him so that when he brings up how I brought up our lotion conversation later I can be like "Right, but then immediately afterwards, I dedicated a song to you."

This is how you do marriage, people.

Happy Friday!



Friday, February 12, 2016

Friday Wrapup

Let's get to it!

***

This week's book "Red Notice" by Bill Browder. I want to read this one for sure, and it definitely sounds like one that CB will like, too. Definitely check it out here and thanks for all of the love you've been giving the book blog - that thing is chugging right along and looks like people are visiting it without needing me anymore! Fun! A nation of readers. That's my goal. Like Oprah, but less-rich.

ALSO, so that my dad doesn't always have to do all of the heavy lifting, I'm going to wrap up the book I'm reading this weekend called "Big Magic" by Elizabeth Gilbert and post on that one for next week!

***

It's Valentine's Day Weekend and, if you're like me, that means that you've been planning for weeks. If you're not like me, that probably means that you roll your eyes at people like me and I totally understand.

Also, not only do I buy holiday-themed hats for my daughter and then plan in-the-apartment photo shoots with her a few weeks in advance of the hat-wearing holidays, I also pre-plan my own outfits, when appropriate. I have two glitter heart sweaters/shirts that will be worn tomorrow and Sunday in honor of love. And I'm guessing CB has been planning his heart-themed outfits as well, so I'm super excited for those big reveals! (will totally take photos).

***

And now, the Video of the Week, in honor of CB, who sees every part and at least tolerates the more annoying/glittery ones. Happy Valentine's Weekend, everyone!


Thursday, February 11, 2016

Love and conversations

Remember when I used to blog all the time? Those were the days. If it helps, I think about blogging all the time.

Which is why I’m posting a Valentine’s Day blog I wrote a few years ago, since it’s better to re-post than not post at all!

Oh, also, CB and I had this very romantic conversation the other night after we were both getting over a stomach virus that made us grateful that we have two bathrooms.

Me: “Can you imagine living back in Little House on the Prairie days and having diarrhea?”
CB: “What?”
Me: “Or having to puke your brains out and you only have an outhouse? And Laura Ingalls had a lot of siblings, so the likelihood that there’d be someone else in the outhouse when you wanted to throw up or go to the bathroom was probably high. And you’d have to run outside just to go to the outhouse in the first place!”
CB: “I don’t remember the set-up on Little House on the Prairie.”
Me: “The outhouse was, like, across the way. It wasn’t right next to the house or anything.”

Silence.

Me: “Plus, look at how quickly this thing spread between us. Now imagine if there were five other people living here – and one outhouse!”
CB: “Why are we talking about this?”
Me: “Because every time I’m sick, I think about Little House on the Prairie.”
CB: “That’s normal.”

Silence.

CB: “They could just go puke in the woods.”
Me: “Oh my God, there weren’t any woods – it was a prairie!”
CB: “I still don’t know why we’re talking about this.”


***


I love love. I also happen to love Valentine’s Day, which opens me up to ridicule every single year from beloved friends and family who totally don’t know how to get on board with celebrating every holiday to the max.

Courtney: I don’t understand why on earth you like this made-up holiday.
Me: I love love and I’m impervious to your judgment.
Me: It’s Valentine’s Day Week!
CB: Seriously? You’ve turned the one day into an entire week?
Me: Um yes. Have we met? This is how I roll. I love love.
  
However, I think maybe I’m doing love wrong? Because I just read an article where nearly every single “tip” about how to romance it up on Valentine’s Day left me realizing that either CB has gotten the tremendously short end of the stick, or people who write love tip articles have closed head injuries.

You be the judge.

1. Do things in a big wayCraig liked doing things in a big way. He was a dramatic and loud (though lovable) kind of guy. Mary, on the other hand, was proper and quiet (and just as lovable). Craig sometimes criticized Mary for not being expressive or outrageous enough. Until . . . one day when Craig returned home from a business trip and was greeted by Mary and two hundred forty-three members of the local high school marching band on their front lawn.

"I can help you bring in the noise,
the funk....and the sweet, sweet lovin'."
Ok, a couple points to be made here. One, I appreciate the writer drawing me in by giving names to this couple. Right away, I totally understand who Craig and Mary are, though I doubt she’s quite as lovable as he is. However, I’m unclear about just who would consider John Philip Sousa marches romantic. Nonetheless, I can appreciate the gesture that Mary is making here, and for that, she receives one point. 

However, if I came home to a two hundred and forty-three member marching band in CB’s studio apartment, a few things would happen: 1, I’d immediately begin worrying for CB’s safety and wonder where he was, since he would likely be crushed by the tuba player who was layered up on top of the trombonist because his apartment is approximately 400 square feet. 2, I’d wonder where CB met a high school marching band in his free time and would perhaps have to begin a conversation about hobbies.  Either way, romance lost, moment ruined.

Moving on.

2Go through revolving doors together.

I basically just skipped right over this one because it’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. But let’s play this one out, just for kicks.

First of all, shoving yourself into a revolving door with your partner isn’t romantic. It’s mildly terrifying and probably a fire hazard. Also, you’d be so busy giving each other footing orders on how to properly make it through this moment alive and without face planting into the glass, that you’d totally forget that you were supposed to be sharing a romantic moment altogether.

Uh, and don’t even try to give each other a peck or anything. That’s just asking for a Bridget Jones moment, and you’re probably not even getting to kiss Colin Firth. Not worth it.


3. Practice "Even-Day/Odd-Day" Romance: On even days it's your turn to be romantic, and on odd days it's your partner's turn.

Yeah, I’m just going to go ahead and say that this sounds way too close to a math story problem for me, and so I’d have to skip the love all around. Also, what if one of you was sick on your even/odd day? Does the other person take over romance duties? What if you’re too sick for romance? And then do you double-up? And then when do you decide who’s day it is after you’ve each done double-duty after you got over pneumonia?

It’s very complicated, gives me anxiety, and also sounds like something unsustainable – like dieting. Again, romance lost, no love for CB. 

4. Want to jazz up the presentation of a special meal? Buy a little hunk of dry ice from a local ice house. Put it in a bowl of water and place it on your serving tray. You'll create wondrous, billowing white clouds!

Oh sweet Lord, please don’t “jazz up” my food. I’m barely able to wait for us to both be served before diving in as it is because I’m like a bear who’s been hibernating all winter. Also, if there was weird, billow-y smoke coming from the serving tray I didn’t know we owned, I’d probably worry that it was on fire, run to get the fire extinguisher, and put out the fake romance fire. Thus, ruining the entire meal altogether. And, most likely, the romance. Because that foam-y extinguisher stuff is hard to get out of the carpet, and I hate a mess. 

Truth. 

5. Dress up for dinner at home. Tuxedo for him, evening gown for her.

This could work for CB if he wasn’t dating a Golden Girl. The first order of business when I walk through the door is to immediately take my clothes off, and not in a romantic, Victoria’s Secret-type way, either. I’m like “Ugh, I need my house pants, stat!” while CB sits there and counts all the ways he can’t believe he got so lucky.

Also, CB is bringing the perfect amount of romance on Thursday by taking me out to dinner, and so I made sure to really class up the moment by asking him if I had to wear a skirt, which then caused me anxiety over clothing options. So, let’s just go ahead and assume I don’t own an evening gown, m’kay?


6. Hire a pianist to play during a romantic dinner at home.

Please don’t do this. First of all, not only will you have to hire a pianist, but you’ll have to ask him to bring his own piano, and then it just gets weird for all parties involved.

Also, let’s think this through. While it might be quaint for a few minutes, it’d get weird REAL fast. I mean, not only is there a stranger playing music in your living room, but he’s sitting there while you try to have a romantic meal? I sort of picture it feeling similar to when someone has a guitar and takes it out to play for you, but then the song lasts a little too long and then you’re not sure how much longer you can hold an interested smile before giving them the subliminal message that it’s gotten weird in an uncomfortable way.

I mean, I’d be good for two or three short diddy’s TOPS, and then I’d be like “So no, for real, is this guy staying through dessert? Because I’d really like to put my house pants on sometime soon so I can let the pasta expand and get ready for the chocolate.” 

7. Learn calligraphy so you can create incredible love letters for him/her.

Case in point. 
Question: can anyone ever actually read calligraphy? I thought that this was just something we all thought was pretty, like Sofia Vergara, but didn't actually understand. Am I alone here? Because I can’t tell you the last time I understood anything written on the Bill of Rights. I mean, for as long as it took them to put that thing together, you’d think it’d be easier to read!  

Also, this would go hand-in-hand with the hobby conversation from Romance Item #1 above. If CB has enough time to learn calligraphy, perhaps he has enough time to think of something not lame to show his affection. 


8. Give her one Hershey's Kiss. Give her one thousand Hershey's KissesRemove all the little paper strips (that say "Kisses" on them) from a couple hundred Hershey's Kisses. Fill a little jewelry box with them. Wrap 'em up and present them to her. Write a clever certificate explaining that the little paper slips are coupons.

After throwing up a little in my mouth, I really thought this one through and realized that it might be the worst romance tip yet. First of all, giving someone one thousand Hersey’s Kisses pieces of paper is like the love equivalent of when people put those sparkle bombs in the party envelopes, and so when you open your mail, there’s, like, one billion pieces of glitter all over your rug.

Also, please don’t give me paper you ripped off of chocolate candy. Just give me the candy. Are you new here? 

9. Select a theme for the weekend based on a type of movie. (It could be a film genre, like westerns, science fiction or musicals; or it could be based on a favorite actor or character in a movie.) Rent three movies that match the theme and then: Rent costumes that match the theme! Exercise your creativity and sense of fun with a little fantasy!

Don’t do this. Also, if someone ever made me act out a science fiction or western, I’d probably break up with them over the mere fact that we clearly have no common interests.

However, I will admit that I played this one out in my head, just for laughs, to see if it’d actually work. 

For example, letting me watch “When Harry Met Sally” and then taking me to Washington Square Park while I wear long khaki shorts and a blue cardigan could be fun. And also not outside of my normal wardrobe.

However, it’d probably have to end there, because otherwise we’d just be walking all over New York City while CB says stuff like “Pecan piiiiiiiiiiiiie” and I’m really annoying when we order food. And then we’d both get tired of it after about 15 minutes, realize we were all the way in the city anyway, head over to Beth and Matt’s to hang out and play Cranium, and call it a day. Romance lost, moment ruined.


10. Buy an extra bag of Valentine Conversation Heart candies and save them for use six months later.

And then after you do that, call your dentist because you will break all of your teeth. For real. Have you eaten a candy heart on a normal day? Those things are challenging. Leave ‘em in a bag for 6 months and you better have the oral surgeon on speed dial.

I’m just saying.

***

So perhaps it’s just me, but I need to hazard a guess that I’m not the only one who thinks some time alone with someone you love and some dessert thrown in there for good measure is really all a person needs in life. No?

But you tell me. What are you all doing for the day that love calls home?