Monday, March 2, 2015

Wait, what?

So you guys. I got a phone call yesterday from a fellow friend and blogger who was like "Hey, congrats on being a top five finalist for the most humorous blogs" and I was like "Wait, what?" And obviously thought it was a joke and didn't look into it for several hours.

And then I was like "Wait, WHAT?" Because it turns out that it's actually true.

I KNOW.


Though, if we're being honest, it's kind of the only way I could ever be a part of something like this - by not being a part of it at ALL. I mean, I'm totally oblivious with most things, but c'mon, Beck, get it together!

I knew that the nominating process was happening (by reading other people's blogs), but I was like "Oh, that's awesome! I can't wait to see who wins!" and then never thought of nominating myself, or asking you guys to do it. Because I'm terrible at this?

But whatever, I basically feel like I've won already, and not even in a fake "it's just an honor to be nominated" speech that will hate spiral me into depression if/when I don't win. Because my blog is next to The Bloggess, you guys. Which kind of gave me a touch of the vapors, I'm not gonna lie.

Also, I want to thank my fellow blogger and nominee over at Tanktronic who has always been a big supporter of this little blog. So let's send the love back his way. He's nominated in the "Best Kept Secret" category, so help get the secret out!

Alright, so now that I know that this is happening and I should apparently be involved - and ONLY if you want to (you totally want to) - please head on over (by clicking here) and vote for Stories About My Underpants in the "Most Humorous Weblog" category (#nuts), as well as Tanktronic....and in the food category, Skinnytaste. It's not an exaggeration to say that everything I have cooked and continue to cook in the last 18 months has come from her blog and/or cookbook. It's AMAZING, you guys.

And then you can feel good about yourselves that you've accomplished something today that required almost no effort. Which is how I like to count my accomplishments so that I have more things on the list. It's what the most successful people do.

Thank you so much for supporting this blog for the last four years, and thank you UNIVERSE for being like "oh, you think you might have to blog less because your life is so busy and important? THINK AGAIN, lady!"

Message received.

Friday, February 27, 2015

Friday Wrapup

Let's get to it!

***

I don't know why, but for some reason this video of Franciscan monks throwing snowballs at each other, squealing and laughing, just makes me laugh. Apparently, they're monks in Jerusalem, which hasn't seen snow since the 1990s. 

I can't help what makes me laugh, you guys! 



***
This week's book was brought to you by my never-ending thoughtfulness. Or, trying to figure out what on earth to get my dad for Christmas. Either way, it ended in this post, and so the blogging and reading world should be happy. Check out "The Innovators" (which is on my FOREVER LONG list) and browse around for more inspiration!

***

And now, a programming note. You've probably noticed that I've been a little less consistent with the blogging lately, and that's due to a variety of factors - only one of which is the growing human inside of me that renders me SO TIRED all of the time. But between the heightened demands of my job, the aforementioned human baby, and forgetting what day it is more often than in my past, I've been slacking.

So I'm here to say....well, it probably won't change for a while. And thanks for sticking with me! I will certainly be posting once during the week in addition to Friday, so you dry those tears, it'll all be ok! And some weeks I may even surprise myself and be the three-day-a-weeker that we've grown to know, love, and tolerate.

But for right now, I need to give myself a break and blog a little less (i.e. twice a week). And, again, thanks for sticking with me!

***

I'm not even going to get into the Great Debate of 2015 over that stupid dress, you guys. I'm not. You know why? Because it's white and gold and you people are crazy who see blue and black. I do realize that there are more important things in the world, but this sh*t is bananas. (and if you have zero clue about which I speak, click here.

***

God I love this. These kids are JAMMIN' to Led Zepplin. And I love the kid in the Oregon shirt who kind of can't be bothered with band?


***

And now, the Video of the Week. Since it's my dad's birthday today (Happy Birthday, Dad!), I wanted to pay tribute to his love of all things James Brown and play a video not at all by James Brown. However, my dad does have a man-crush on Bruno Mars. And since he loved the live version I put up here a few months ago, I figured I'd share the actual video with you all in honor of his BIRTHDAY.

Enjoy, dad! (and the rest of you, but mainly dad). Happy Birthday!


Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Throwing it back...

....because this week is trying to kill me.

Also, because I'm going to be a parent soon and, um, should we be concerned about that?


So today I was walking behind some moms and their kids, though I have no idea how old these kids were. Let’s just say that they were old enough to walk on their own and young enough that they’re still being supervised by parents. As we’ve firmly established, I struggle knowing how old kids are until they’re about 25.  Anyway, as I was de-tangling my headphones, I started listening to the conversation between the mothers about all things parenting. Usually this is just like white noise to me because, well, I don’t have kids and so it’s pretty boring to listen to unless you do. And maybe even then? Not sure, just guessing.   

Anyway, one of the moms was talking about the organic milk she just found at some store in the city. The other mom then talked about some article she read about the various types of organic food you should be feeding your children and how she won’t shop at the grocery store anymore because she can’t imagine putting that stuff into her kids.

Question: if you don’t go to the grocery store, where do you get your food? The organic farm on your fire escape? I was intrigued. Also, if by “that stuff” she means Oreos, then I consider that child abuse and those kids should immediately be removed from her house and sent to mine until they start to crash from the sugar I give them, at which time I will then promptly send them back.

Meanwhile, their kids may as well have been wrapped in bubble wrap. (sidebar: if/when I have kids, they for SURE will be wrapped in bubble wrap, but that’s merely because they will be the spawn of me and, to be fair, I really should have bubble wrap on at all times to protect myself and others. ) Anyway, the one boy who looked between the ages of 5-15 was wearing a helmet, knee pads, elbow pads, and a vest. The vest had some sort of reflector on it. It was daytime.

The other kid, roughly the same age-range, was wearing all the same stuff except the reflector vest, but wasn’t riding a bike. Or walking along side one. I’m guessing they were sharing? No idea. But boy was he prepared for any kind of trip or fall!

And that got me to thinking: kids today, fresh with the challenges of youth and all things digital, are maybe missing out. Why? Because they totally don’t know what’s coming to ‘em. And what better way to parent than to completely terrify your kids about the realities of the cold, cruel world and let them fall off their bikes and scrape their elbows once in a while?

I should totally write a parenting blog.

So, since I have a really exciting commute, I compiled a list of a few things from my childhood that my niece and all future Becky Kids won’t have the pleasure of experiencing.

Let’s proceed:

Not winning all the time.

When I was a kid, I lost at a lot of things, especially anything math related. And it was all good. Know why? Because when I actually won something or excelled at something, it felt great. But nowadays it seems that everyone wins a trophy! Uh, not to brag or anything, but I totally won a trophy in the form of a piano glass when I was in elementary school because I had the best costume during our piano recital. I was Holly Hobby - obviously -  and that glass is still somewhere at my parent’s house and I still remember how awesome that felt because that outfit was killer.

Be jealous. 
But I digress. The problem, in my opinion, with everyone winning a trophy is that, while I think healthy self-esteem and encouraging kids to find their true selves or whatever is really important, I think it’s also really important to know that when you walk into work on your first day, fresh out of college, you don’t get a raise for knowing how to turn on your computer. Unless my job would like to start rewarding me for doing such a thing, in which case I take back #1 and parents today are totally doing it right.

Falling down and feeling it.

Maybe this is mean and perhaps the reason why the universe has kept kids away from me up until this point, but I think maybe it’s ok sometimes to fall off your bike. Ok, I’ll give you the helmet thing; closed head injuries are bad all around, and boy should I know. But c’mon, it’s called a calculated risk, people! It’s a bike, it’s not motorized, your kid needs to learn some balance already and nothing teaches a kid balance like a few scrapes and bruises.

Future Mother of the Year? Obviously.

And if you’re really intent on getting some sort of lesson out of bike riding that they can take with them that they won’t use against you when they’re in therapy later in life, you can make up some Oprah-esque thing about how riding a bike is like a metaphor for life, and throw in something about balance and learning how to pick yourself up and dust yourself off. OR you could just tell them that sometimes you fall off bikes and sometimes it hurts and that’s what Band-aids are for. Whichever approach works best for you. 

The art of the written word.

Alright, so I’m about to blow some minds up in here, but do you know that kids today (yep, that just came out of my mouth) don’t learn how to write in cursive!!!?? What?? How is that possible???? It boggles the mind. But I think what might be even more disturbing is that they aren’t learning how to communicate like human adults. Or really humans, period. And I’m worried for their future! Because if they don’t know how to even send a proper email, complete with proper punctuation and words spelled out in their entirety, I shudder to think about future work transactions and our ability to survive as a nation.

Also, I realize that I am officially a 344 years old AND an alarmist. But I own those titles proudly, so let’s move on. 

Patience.

I will admit that I struggle with this and I grew up in the 80s, long before bike helmets and organic Oreos, so perhaps we could all learn from this one. But remember the days when you had to wait for a show to be on at, like, the time it just came on the tv? No Tivo, no On Demand. If you missed the Cosby Show you had to put up with everyone else talking about it the next day who didn’t forget that yesterday was Thursday.

If you wanted to listen to music and remembered that one of your favorite songs was track 5, you had to fast forward, rewind, or flip over the tape to do so. And you listened to entire albums, usually out of sheer laziness, but hey, it worked for us. Also, it’s the reason I can still recite every single lyric to every single song from the “Merry Merry Christmas” album by the New Kids on the Block. But whatever.

“We owe you one, tape players!” 

Oh! And you had to look stuff up in a book! I know, right? Again, I struggle with this one, too, since we all know my love for all things Google. But kids today (there it is again!) don’t even know what the Dewey Decimal System is! For shame. And I won’t even get into the days when we all had to wait a week for our film to get developed and ended up with 22 doubles of my mom’s left index finger and a picture of our family cat running in front of the one shot that came out not blurry.

And there you have it. An incomplete list of things that worry me about “kids today,” complete with non-anachronistic examples! Win/win. Also, highly important to all parents, I’m sure, and something that will likely turn the tables of parenting as we know it. Obviously. So if you have anything to add to the list, let me know!

Happy Hump Day! 

Friday, February 20, 2015

Friday Wrapup

Let's get to it!

***

I can't help it. I sometimes just watch "Billy on the Street" when I want to laugh because he ALWAYS delivers. For some reason, I love it when he yells at pretty much anyone or nothing. Click here and tell me if Big Bird's voice has totally changed since we were kids? I mean, I get it, you guys, I understand how showbiz works. Our Big Bird probably retired. But this one just sounds....NOT LIKE MY CHILDHOOD! (I'm channeling Billy.)

Enjoy.

***

This week's book is "An Officer and a Spy". Click here - this sounds like a book CB will read while I'm STILL TRYING TO FINISH my one. He's such a show-off.

Let me know what you think!

***

Ok, this week's video is a two-fer. Because tomorrow we're going out to celebrate Beth's belated birthday, and there will likely be pregnant Becky dancing, which nobody would like to see, but it's what I do for my friends, people.

And this song is a throwback to one of mine and Beth's all-time favorites. It also fits into the category CB calls "stuff you can never let our kid hear you listen to." Jay-Z, Ludacris, Kanye, Drake, and Biggie fall into this category as well. And I'm not ashamed to say that I made CB blush the other day in the car when I knew all of the words to a Ludacris song that makes me a little bit less of a lady (it's catchy!)

Anyway, the first video is the original. The second video is the little girl in the red jumpsuit (who we loved back in the day) all grown up and still workin' it! Enjoy! (Also, maybe just skip these, mom and dad? And mother-in-law? I'm a lady. IT WAS COLLEGE!)







Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Conversations from Cohabitation

This morning, as always, CB was saying hello to the baby.

CB, rubbing my stomach: “Hi baby.”

Walks away.

Me: “You know the baby can hear your voice now, so it’s good that we both talk to it.”
CB: “I feel like all I need to do is say hello because the baby probably would appreciate peace and quiet.”
Me: “Are you implying it gets tired of hearing my voice?”

Silence.

Me: “Um, my voice is soothing to the baby.”
CB: “Sure.”
Me: “It is! My voice, I’ll have you know, is going to be one of the things that brings our baby comfort!”
CB: “Uh huh.”
Me: “It’s true. I mean, think about it – I’m going to be one of the only things that calms our baby when it’s crying. Me. My voice.”
CB: “This poor kid got the short end of the stick and doesn’t even know it.”
Me: “It’s better that way.”

***

The other night, after an exhausting (for me) day of registering, CB and I were sitting quietly, doing a puzzle. All of a sudden, that Five for Fighting song came on Pandora (“Superman”). CB looks up at me and I’m crying.

CB: “Are you ok?”
Me: “No. I can’t stop crying!”
CB, continuing to puzzle while trying to calm the crazy person: “Is it the song?”
Me: “No. I don’t know. Maybe.”
CB: “Because you’re almost 40?”
Me: “I hate you. And no. But yes!”
CB: “Ok…..”
Me: “I mean, doesn’t it freak you out that it’s been us for all of these years and now all of a sudden we have this little person coming into our lives and what if we don’t know what to do? And it all happens so fast, you know? Life!”
CB: “Right, but it’ll be wonderful.”
Me, sobbing and blowing my nose: “I know, and I’m so excited!”
CB: “I can tell….”
Me: “I really am! But I’m also terrified. I mean, all of a sudden our kid will be 15 and then 30 and where did the time go?”
CB: “Oh boy…..”
Me: “And what if I don’t know how to be a good mom?”
CB: “You’ll be a great mom.”
Me: “And you’re so calm! Why are you so calm?”
CB: “I don’t know, because I know that we’re so fortunate and that we are a great team and have a great support system and will do our best for this baby.”
Me: “And then he or she is a teenager and doesn’t even want to hang out with us.”
CB: “Well, yeah.”
Me: “And I’m sitting here at a puzzle crying over how I’m scared I won’t be a good enough parent and then our kid is going to be sassy and it’ll never know!”
CB: “That its mother is crazy?”
Me: “That we love this baby so much without even having met him or her yet!”
CB: “Note to self. Skip this song next time."
Me: “Yeah, I think that’s a good idea.”


Happy Wednesday!

Friday, February 13, 2015

Not a real Friday Wrapup

So, I just got back from a doctor's checkup for sassy baby and me, and all looks good! But I didn't draft a wrapup this week, and so....alas.....we are without one this week.

However, I'll be back in full force next week, don't fear!

Happy Friday, everyone!

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Love is in the air.....

Throwing back to 2013:

***


I love love. I also happen to love Valentine’s Day, which opens me up to ridicule every single year from beloved friends and family who totally don’t know how to get on board with celebrating every holiday to the max.

Courtney: I don’t understand why on earth you like this made-up holiday.
Me: I love love and I’m impervious to your judgment.
Me: It’s Valentine’s Day Week!
CB: Seriously? You’ve turned the one day into an entire week?
Me: Um yes. Have we met? This is how I roll. I love love.
  
However, I think maybe I’m doing love wrong? Because I just read an article where nearly every single “tip” about how to romance it up on Valentine’s Day left me realizing that either CB has gotten the tremendously short end of the stick, or people who write love tip articles have closed head injuries.

You be the judge.

1. Do things in a big wayCraig liked doing things in a big way. He was a dramatic and loud (though lovable) kind of guy. Mary, on the other hand, was proper and quiet (and just as lovable). Craig sometimes criticized Mary for not being expressive or outrageous enough. Until . . . one day when Craig returned home from a business trip and was greeted by Mary and two hundred forty-three members of the local high school marching band on their front lawn.

"I can help you bring in the noise,
the funk....and the sweet, sweet lovin'."
Ok, a couple points to be made here. One, I appreciate the writer drawing me in by giving names to this couple. Right away, I totally understand who Craig and Mary are, though I doubt she’s quite as lovable as he is. However, I’m unclear about just who would consider John Philip Sousa marches romantic. Nonetheless, I can appreciate the gesture that Mary is making here, and for that, she receives one point. 

However, if I came home to a two hundred and forty-three member marching band in CB’s studio apartment, a few things would happen: 1, I’d immediately begin worrying for CB’s safety and wonder where he was, since he would likely be crushed by the tuba player who was layered up on top of the trombonist because his apartment is approximately 400 square feet. 2, I’d wonder where CB met a high school marching band in his free time and would perhaps have to begin a conversation about hobbies.  Either way, romance lost, moment ruined.

Moving on.

2Go through revolving doors together.

I basically just skipped right over this one because it’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. But let’s play this one out, just for kicks.

First of all, shoving yourself into a revolving door with your partner isn’t romantic. It’s mildly terrifying and probably a fire hazard. Also, you’d be so busy giving each other footing orders on how to properly make it through this moment alive and without face planting into the glass, that you’d totally forget that you were supposed to be sharing a romantic moment altogether.

Uh, and don’t even try to give each other a peck or anything. That’s just asking for a Bridget Jones moment, and you’re probably not even getting to kiss Colin Firth. Not worth it.


3. Practice "Even-Day/Odd-Day" Romance: On even days it's your turn to be romantic, and on odd days it's your partner's turn.

Yeah, I’m just going to go ahead and say that this sounds way too close to a math story problem for me, and so I’d have to skip the love all around. Also, what if one of you was sick on your even/odd day? Does the other person take over romance duties? What if you’re too sick for romance? And then do you double-up? And then when do you decide who’s day it is after you’ve each done double-duty after you got over pneumonia?

It’s very complicated, gives me anxiety, and also sounds like something unsustainable – like dieting. Again, romance lost, no love for CB. 

4. Want to jazz up the presentation of a special meal? Buy a little hunk of dry ice from a local ice house. Put it in a bowl of water and place it on your serving tray. You'll create wondrous, billowing white clouds!

Oh sweet Lord, please don’t “jazz up” my food. I’m barely able to wait for us to both be served before diving in as it is because I’m like a bear who’s been hibernating all winter. Also, if there was weird, billow-y smoke coming from the serving tray I didn’t know we owned, I’d probably worry that it was on fire, run to get the fire extinguisher, and put out the fake romance fire. Thus, ruining the entire meal altogether. And, most likely, the romance. Because that foam-y extinguisher stuff is hard to get out of the carpet, and I hate a mess. 

Truth. 

5. Dress up for dinner at home. Tuxedo for him, evening gown for her.

This could work for CB if he wasn’t dating a Golden Girl. The first order of business when I walk through the door is to immediately take my clothes off, and not in a romantic, Victoria’s Secret-type way, either. I’m like “Ugh, I need my house pants, stat!” while CB sits there and counts all the ways he can’t believe he got so lucky.

Also, CB is bringing the perfect amount of romance on Thursday by taking me out to dinner, and so I made sure to really class up the moment by asking him if I had to wear a skirt, which then caused me anxiety over clothing options. So, let’s just go ahead and assume I don’t own an evening gown, m’kay?


6. Hire a pianist to play during a romantic dinner at home.

Please don’t do this. First of all, not only will you have to hire a pianist, but you’ll have to ask him to bring his own piano, and then it just gets weird for all parties involved.

Also, let’s think this through. While it might be quaint for a few minutes, it’d get weird REAL fast. I mean, not only is there a stranger playing music in your living room, but he’s sitting there while you try to have a romantic meal? I sort of picture it feeling similar to when someone has a guitar and takes it out to play for you, but then the song lasts a little too long and then you’re not sure how much longer you can hold an interested smile before giving them the subliminal message that it’s gotten weird in an uncomfortable way.

I mean, I’d be good for two or three short diddy’s TOPS, and then I’d be like “So no, for real, is this guy staying through dessert? Because I’d really like to put my house pants on sometime soon so I can let the pasta expand and get ready for the chocolate.” 

7. Learn calligraphy so you can create incredible love letters for him/her.

Case in point. 
Question: can anyone ever actually read calligraphy? I thought that this was just something we all thought was pretty, like Sofia Vergara, but didn't actually understand. Am I alone here? Because I can’t tell you the last time I understood anything written on the Bill of Rights. I mean, for as long as it took them to put that thing together, you’d think it’d be easier to read!  

Also, this would go hand-in-hand with the hobby conversation from Romance Item #1 above. If CB has enough time to learn calligraphy, perhaps he has enough time to think of something not lame to show his affection. 


8. Give her one Hershey's Kiss. Give her one thousand Hershey's KissesRemove all the little paper strips (that say "Kisses" on them) from a couple hundred Hershey's Kisses. Fill a little jewelry box with them. Wrap 'em up and present them to her. Write a clever certificate explaining that the little paper slips are coupons.

After throwing up a little in my mouth, I really thought this one through and realized that it might be the worst romance tip yet. First of all, giving someone one thousand Hersey’s Kisses pieces of paper is like the love equivalent of when people put those sparkle bombs in the party envelopes, and so when you open your mail, there’s, like, one billion pieces of glitter all over your rug.

Also, please don’t give me paper you ripped off of chocolate candy. Just give me the candy. Are you new here? 

9. Select a theme for the weekend based on a type of movie. (It could be a film genre, like westerns, science fiction or musicals; or it could be based on a favorite actor or character in a movie.) Rent three movies that match the theme and then: Rent costumes that match the theme! Exercise your creativity and sense of fun with a little fantasy!

Don’t do this. Also, if someone ever made me act out a science fiction or western, I’d probably break up with them over the mere fact that we clearly have no common interests.

However, I will admit that I played this one out in my head, just for laughs, to see if it’d actually work. 

For example, letting me watch “When Harry Met Sally” and then taking me to Washington Square Park while I wear long khaki shorts and a blue cardigan could be fun. And also not outside of my normal wardrobe.

However, it’d probably have to end there, because otherwise we’d just be walking all over New York City while CB says stuff like “Pecan piiiiiiiiiiiiie” and I’m really annoying when we order food. And then we’d both get tired of it after about 15 minutes, realize we were all the way in the city anyway, head over to Beth and Matt’s to hang out and play Cranium, and call it a day. Romance lost, moment ruined.


10. Buy an extra bag of Valentine Conversation Heart candies and save them for use six months later.

And then after you do that, call your dentist because you will break all of your teeth. For real. Have you eaten a candy heart on a normal day? Those things are challenging. Leave ‘em in a bag for 6 months and you better have the oral surgeon on speed dial.

I’m just saying.

***

So perhaps it’s just me, but I need to hazard a guess that I’m not the only one who thinks some time alone with someone you love and some dessert thrown in there for good measure is really all a person needs in life. No?

But you tell me. What are you all doing for the day that love calls home? 

Monday, February 9, 2015

Conversations from Cohabitation

Last week, CB came out of the shower and pointed to a mole he’s had on his arm for years.

CB: “Could one of the dermatologists you work with look at this and remove it for me?”
Me: “Oh sure, no problem. I’ll check on some of them and see who takes our insurance.”
CB: “Great, thanks.”
Me: “Dr. B would be great, actually, and I’m seeing him soon so I could mention it and find out his availability.”

Pause.

CB: “Any good looking, single, female doctors you work with in the city?”
Me, thinking legitimately about this: “Hmmm…I have some good looking female doctors I work with, but none of them are single, as far as I know.”
CB: “No big deal.”

Pause.

Me: “Wait a minute. Um, that doesn’t matter. YOU’RE not single!”
CB, laughing: “I was wondering when you were going to catch onto that.”
Me: “Man, I was actually trying to think of a hot female doctor to send you to!”
CB: “I appreciate it.”
Me: “I’m sure you do! You’re really taking advantage of this baby brain thing.”
CB: “Hey, whatever works!”

***

This morning, I was recalling my multiple dreams to CB, and he was super excited because everyone always likes hearing about other people’s dreams.

Me: “And then I had a dream that was really weird. You were in some place that I guess was a high end strip club? And there was a new stripper there and this manager woman was telling her all about you.”
CB: “Interesting. Were we having the same dream last night?”
Me: “And you started telling her about next time you would be coming back, and I was there and was like-“
CB: “Oh nope, we were not having the same dream. That’s where we differ.”
Me: “I hate you.”
CB: “I know, I love you, too.”


Happy Monday, everyone! 

Friday, February 6, 2015

Friday Wrapup

Let's get to it! First, thank you all for your comments this week on Wednesday's blog. This is why I love doing this. You guys are simply the best. And thanks for spreading it around! It may not be Kim Kardashian's derriere, but it was my version of breaking the Internet. I thank you.

***

If you haven't already, click here to immediately watch Jimmy Fallon go back to Bayside High. You're welcome.

***

This week's book doesn't exist. Because I haven't blogged about anything AND my Kindle is packed so I can't even hurry up and read! So check back next week and I promise there will be one!

***

God, there's nothing I love more than the Lip Sync Battle on the Tonight Show. And when it's combined with Beyonce, it makes my week.


***

This week's video is for my friend, Mary. Yesterday, this text exchange happened between us:



So, this is for you, Mary. Happy Friday!





Wednesday, February 4, 2015

It's Weird, you guys.

So I haven’t done a lot of blogging about this whole baby thing, and that's been intentional. Mainly because you guys didn’t start coming here to read all about BABIES, because I know from experience that, if babies aren’t actually in your body’s wheelhouse at this very moment…who cares?

But then I started hearing from some of you that you’re either pregnant, a new mom, or hoping to be soon – and I realized that I needed to stop censoring myself and just write. Because this here blog isn’t just about my underpants; it’s about my life. Which, as we all know, usually includes my underpants, though now they’re slightly bigger.  And right now, frankly, my life has been taken over by a sassy, onion-sized person that is only 5 inches long and world’s stronger than my soul.

Because…well, baby.

And boy is it weird, you guys. I mean, beautiful, sure. I guess. But only in the abstract? (mother of the year).

Don’t get me wrong:  I'm beyond excited to be pregnant and become a mom - more than I could explain. And I am truly amazed each time I think of the fact that I’m, like, building a person right now. While also typing? And talking to people normally? And by just, you know, being me everyday? That’s INSANE. It’s NUTS. It’s actually a bit overwhelming, which is probably why I have 9 months (it’s 10 months, you liars) to let it sink in. But I’m guessing just as it does, a person comes out of me and I’m like ‘I’VE BEEN TAKEN OVER BY AN ALIEN’ and then it’s a whole new set of things to get used to.

Which I’m thinking is pregnancy preparing me for parenthood. Just basic preparation for never understanding again what the f is going on ever, for forever.

However, from the moment you find out you’re pregnant, which is beautiful and terrifying and exciting, one billion questions come at you that DEMAND ANSWERS NOW OH MY GOD. And it's a little overwhelming. 

What are you eating?
What are you drinking?
Don’t eat that.
Don’t drink that.

How are you sleeping?
When do you exercise?
You need to do it more (and you’ll want to).
You need to do it more (and will not want to).

Are you taking vitamins?
Have you made your first doctor’s appointment?
Are you getting your nails done?
Don’t get your nails done!
Do you color your hair?
Don't color your hair! 
Are you eating deli meat?
Did you know you should have a doula?
Did you know that it hurts so much?
Are you over the moon?
How do you feel?
Why do you hate eggs all of a sudden?
Why are you crying because you can’t find your slippers?
Is your stomach growing?
Why is it so big so early?
Why isn’t it bigger yet?
What size fruit is your baby this week?
Is your hair shinier?
Do you have names picked out?
Do you know the gender?
Why aren’t you finding out the gender?
Do you realize ALL of your stuff from NOW ON will only be green, yellow, and orange? DO YOU?
Have you registered?
Where are you registering?
When’s your shower?
Why is it so late?
Isn’t that too early?
How’s your husband feeling?
Are you being nice to him?
Did you know he’s experiencing changes too?
Are you sleepy?
Are you pukey?
Are you getting genetic testing done?
Why?
Why not?
Did you know that your vagina will never be the same?
Did you know that if you have a C-section it’ll take even longer to recover?
Do you know what you’re bringing to the hospital?
Do you know why you’re crying while I’m talking to you about paint colors?
Do you know that you’ll never sleep again?
Do you know it’s the best hardest job you’ll ever have?
Do you have a 529 set up?
Do you know how much childcare costs??
Did you know that you should sleep now because you will NEVER SLEEP AGAIN?
Will you go back to work?
Do you want to go back to work?
Do you know what day it is?
Can you find where you last left your purse?
Do you know why you’re crying over running out of shampoo?

Well…DO YOU?

Don’t get me wrong. It’s weirdly incredible. But it’s still WEIRD, you guys. It’s weird to have a person inside your person. It’s weird to be touched by a lot of strangers, only some of whom are doctors or nurses. It’s weird to talk about your vagina with other women who have also had people come out of there. It’s weird to feel your hips and legs and body grow in ways you’ve never felt before. It’s weird to feel completely maternal and completely un-feminine, all at the same time. It’s weird to know that you’re being insane and just not being able to stop. It’s weird to want to be recognized for all you’re going through while also being seen as attractive by your partner. It’s weird to puke every day and consider it "normal." It’s weird to hate food you’ve loved for decades and crave stuff you’ve never had. It’s weird to feel completely excited and ready, and completely ill-prepared and terrified.

IT’S WEIRD, you guys.

Which is why I haven’t written about it until now. Because honestly, every time I went to write something, I wasn’t quite sure what I was trying to say. I mean, if you say it’s weird or you’re scared, people might look at you and be like “the state should definitely take her baby away.” And if you walk around in a blissful, joyful haze, feeling nothing but complete connection to the growing child inside of you, you’re lying. (sorry)

Which isn’t to say that I’m not feeling connected. I’ve actually never felt so connected to someone I’ve never met (except Ryan Gosling) and SO protective of someone I've yet to lay eyes on.

And I guess that’s what being a mom is, at the end of the day. If I’m learning anything, that is. Which I’m probably not. Because of baby brain. Did you know about baby brain? Yeah, me either.

So what I'm saying is, it’s weird, you guys. And it’s wonderful. And sometimes it’s those things all at the same time.

Monday, February 2, 2015

Worst

That's me. The worst.

But I'm still really under the weather and just don't have the energy for my natural charm and wit. Which my husband can attest to. That poor man.

But happy Monday and I'll be back blogging soon!

Friday, January 30, 2015

Friday Wrapup

Let's get to it!

***

Um, so this week has been a doozy. We started our big move last weekend and are finishing it all up tonight. However, by last Sunday, I was down for the count with a nasty cough that wouldn't quit. By Tuesday I was still coughing and, to boot, now started getting massive headaches to join the fun. So needless to say, by last night, my pregnant, tired, sick self basically collapsed in a heap of boxes and kitchen supplies, becoming a tired, cranky mess that my husband got to come home to after a few drinks with friends. Which trust me, he needed.

So, I'm having a hard time figuring out who's suffering more now - me or him? My friend Beth said that she's going to buy him this shirt:



However, there needs to be an "and sick and we're moving this weekend" caveat there because I swear to the universe that I'm trying SO hard not to be a crazy, awful human. Which is scary, because I'm pretty sure CB is like "Um.....so these are those hormones we were waiting to kick in, eh?" If only he knew how hard I was trying to keep them at bay.

Anyway, on Monday you will hopefully see a new me, you guys! Or at least a me that is living in just one apartment instead of two? And also maybe work won't try to kill me to boot (see the Video of the Week.)

Which is why.....

***

....I keep watching this video on repeat. It warms my heart. But only after I was sure this wasn't some awful video where a kitten attacks ducklings (spoiler alert: it's not). Thank you, kittens and little ducklings. You always just know what to do.



***

This week's book is "All the Light We Cannot See" by Anthony Doerr. Have any of you guys read this? I was talking to my dad about it the other day and he was hesitating when trying to describe it, mainly because I think, as the review says, he and my mom were expecting more. And I've read books like that (my family will recall the "Year of Wonders" nightmare I experienced) - it's not a bad book at all, but you're not quite sure if you're missing something....or not.

So have you read it? What do you think? Click here to check out the review and let me know what you think!


***

So, this week's Video of the Week is slightly different than normal, but it pretty much sums up my week. Co-workers and I referred to this scene a LOT yesterday....it's very cathartic.


Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Conversations from Cohabitation

Future Mother of the Year (while watching “Modern Family” the other night):

Me: “Honestly, Lilly is the worst. I wish they would just kill her off or something.”
CB: “Um, Beck, they’re not going to kill a little girl character on a sitcom.”
Me: “I’m just saying.”
CB: “But I don’t understand why they don’t just replace her. Like, all of a sudden one week there’s just a new Lilly. I don’t think anyone would mind.”
Me: “Agreed. Like when they replaced Becky on “Roseanne” or Darren on “Bewitched.”

Silence.

Me: “I mean, the entire world has to hate her, right?”
CB: “Well, hate is a strong word.”
Me: “If they don’t, they’re not paying enough attention.”

***

So we’re in the process of a move, and I decided to share some ideas with CB about how the new place could be even better!

Me: “So I have an idea for our new apartment.”
CB, skeptical: “Ok….”
Me: “I think we should implement a ‘no shoe’ policy.”
CB: “A no shoe policy?”
Me: “Yeah. So when you come in, you just place your shoes on the mat next to the door so you’re not tracking in dirt.”
CB: “How about we just don’t implement ‘policies’ into our marriage?”
Me: “It’ll be great. We could even put our slippers by the door to make it an easier transition for you.”
CB: “It’s easy right now.”
Me: “Right. But you wear your shoes all through the apartment and track dirt everywhere.”
CB: “I don’t track dirt everywhere.”
Me: “Um, you do. You wear them outside all day long, then come inside and your dirty shoes leave germs and dirt everywhere.”
CB: “There’s not scotch tape stuck to my shoe to attract the dirt, they’re not dirty.”
Me: “Do you not understand how germs are spread? Your shoes ARE dirty. You wear them outside. What are you not understanding.”
CB: “I would lick the bottom of my shoes, that’s how clean they are.”
Me: “You’re disgusting and you’ve got a deal. New policy: you can wear your outside shoes inside if you lick the bottoms of both shoes each time you walk through the door.”
CB: “This just went from bad to worse.”
Me: “My original policy isn’t sounding so bad now, is it?”


Happy Wednesday!

Monday, January 26, 2015

Terrible blogger

So, we moved all weekend and I'm EXHAUSTED. Hence, my brain isn't working properly for telling any stories for this snowy Monday morning...but check me out on Wednesday, I promise I'll be back with a vengeance!

Happy Monday!

Friday, January 23, 2015

Friday Wrapup

Let's get to it!

***

This terrified my soul.




***

This week's book is actually one that I've read! Go figure. So click here and check out my review of Amy Poehler's "Yes Please" and peruse around for more reading inspiration!

***

I saw this video and it instantly reminded me of my mornings trying to wake up CB.





***

And now, the Video of the Week!

No joke - this morning I was in the shower and just started singing "I woke up like this....I woke up like this. Flawless." Then I got out of the shower and saw that I only rinsed out half of the soap from my hair. So, you know, flawless. 

Anyway, you'd think that it would make me pick "Flawless" as the video of the week, but that's why you read this blog - the always keeping you on your toes and such - and so I'm actually picking the song that has gotten my growing self onto the treadmill and elliptical, gym clothes not fitting properly be damned! I'm grown! (and growing!)

Happy Friday! 

 


Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Conversations from Cohabitation

On Saturday night, we were sitting in our apartment doing a puzzle at the card table, listening to music, and generally being awesome.

Me: “Wow, I haven’t heard this song in forever.”
CB: “Yeah, this is an old one.”
Me: “It’s got to be Michael Jackson circa the late 70s. And we’re singing along.”
CB: “Yep, that’s us! Listening to music from the late 70s acting like we’re in our late 70s.”
Me: “We’re a good time.”

***

A few weeks ago, I came back from running errands and was really excited about the fact that I’d walked by a store with adorable baby clothes that I couldn’t wait to buy.

Me: “Guess what’s going to be awesome for me during this pregnancy?”

Pause.

CB: “Exercise?”

Silence and glaring.

Me: “Um, no, but I hope you like sleeping in the living room, because it is now your new bedroom.”
CB, laughing: “I’m just trying to make sure you’re keeping your sense of humor while you’re pregnant.”
Me: “And divorcing my husband?”
CB: “So then no, you’re not keeping it?”
Me: “No, I’m too busy exercising.”

Monday, January 19, 2015

And then there were three....

You know, I've spent my entire life looking forward to certain milestones: birthdays, new jobs, finishing a marathon, etc. And one of the milestones in my life that has lived up to all of the hype in my head (which we all know is extra hyped), was marrying CB.

I mean, I knew the wedding would be a blast. Um, it's a wedding. You're doing it wrong if it's not. But the marriage was something I was sure would be filled with highs and lows and laughter and some tears - you know, a marriage. But a milestone I was never quite sure about was whether or not I would want to be - or could even be - a mom. Until my early 30s, I was pretty set on the idea that it wasn't something I was cut out for, nor something I was overly eager to try. I mean, from what I'd heard, you can't just kind of see if it works for you and, if it's not really your bag, just hand the kid back and be like "my bad!" And so it was something that always floated out there as a distant possibility, but never really occupied too much time in my day-to-day life.

Until I met CB. To be fair, I met him long before I knew I'd marry him, but even from early on, I knew this guy was going to be a great dad. It's just in his bones. He's got that way about him and it was something he was always sure would be in his future, too.

But then he went and married someone whose insides may have dried up already, and so I laid a lot of groundwork about my geriatric eggs: "You know, women in their mid-late thirties have a harder time getting pregnant, so maybe we'll just travel instead?" or "This is what you get for marrying someone who was born in the 70s. I know I'm alluring and impossible to resist, but my lady-parts might have closed shop already."

And other really sexy, positive things like that.

But he said "I do" anyway and we went off on our adventure into marriage with the comfort of knowing that we were in this together, whatever may be. And, hey! Maybe this biology thing would work out for us and, if so, Yahtzee! And if not? I've always wanted to go to Greece. (SPOILER ALERT: apparently you can have children AND travel, but we figured our traveling would be a lot fancier if a baby wasn't taking all of our money.)

Then, on a rainy, moody Saturday afternoon in October, I hated the smell of eggs, CB was insanely irritating, and I peed on three different brands of sticks that all told me the same thing: you guys made a person and sh*t just got real.

Bye-bye, Greece!

Hello, Baby Collins!

You can't tell from the photo, but I'm wearing sparkle shoes.
So do not fear, some things never change. 


Happy Monday!




Wednesday, January 14, 2015

My Brain is Magical (and other things people never tell me)

Ok, so I’ve talked about this here before, but I’ve come to a very scientifically sound conclusion that I can make things happen with my mind. Like, I can’t move a glass across the table by just staring at it or anything, but that’s also not a really useful way of using my magic, and so I’ve never really put my mind to trying. However, I do have magical thinking powers that make things appear and not really have an effect on my life in any real significant way, and that’s what we call a gift, people.

Here’s a very recent example to prove my sound theory:

Yesterday I was on the treadmill at the gym and happened to be trotting across from a guy who kind of looked like that guy from the tv show “Felicity” who was on season two when Felicity was an RA? And this kid was kind of annoying but popped up every now and again to move the plot along?

I’m assuming that we’re all on the same page with who I’m talking about now that I’ve clarified, and so I’ll move ahead with the story.

So anyway, I sort of awkwardly jog-stared at him to see if it was him, or if it just looked like him and I needed to stop staring. Also, if it was him, what was his name? Had I ever known his name? What else could I refer to that he’s been in more recently?

All of these questions brought back big fat nothing, and so I decided to stop side-eyeing him and concluded that it wasn’t him.

Basically exactly what he
looked like at the gym.
Without the tie.
BUT THEN, I was on the train this morning and was reading the news blurbs they have up on the tv screen to pass your time while commuting, and they have this one segment called “Guess the Celebrity.” And so what they’ll do is give you, like, three or four clues of who this person is, and then they excitedly reveal the person’s picture and name to see if you’ve guessed correctly. I play this religiously on my commute in between patiently waiting for my horoscope to come up and tell me that today will be challenging but it’s opening my eyes to new adventures.

Anyway. I’m sure you’re all way ahead of me, but it was THE SAME GUY, you guys! His name is apparently Michael Peña and, according to his IMDB page, he resides in Los Angeles (yes, I looked it up when I got to work). Which doesn’t mean he couldn’t have been residing on the treadmill yesterday in New York City, but DOES mean that my brain is magical. 


You see, while it may not be apparent to a layman, what my brain basically has the power to do is think about something or someone and then it appears. It doesn’t necessarily do anything once it appears except freak me the f out, but it appears and that’s awesome.

I mean, I could give you hundreds more examples, all of which are incredible and I share with CB on a regular basis. And then he’s like “So why haven’t you made Jessica Biel appear yet?” and I’m like “I think my brain really has to focus on it for a while.” And then he’s like “I’d appreciate you focusing more on my needs and Jessica Biel so those things appear in the future.” And then I’ve already moved on and am thinking about something else that I’d like to appear in my life more.


Happy Wednesday, everyone!  

Monday, January 12, 2015

Conversations from Cohabitation

So yesterday, I heard a story about CB from about 15 years ago that I’d never heard before. And it was one of those that, had it happened to me, I would’ve told everyone because it’d make me a hero in the eyes of my friends. But because he’s him, he doesn’t share ANYTHING and it drives me nuts.

Fast forward to 6 hours after initially hearing the story and we were sitting in the living room, quietly reading.

Me: “If I were to commit a crime, I’d want you as my partner.”
CB: “Ok…”
Me: “You’d NEVER tell anyone. I mean, you’d have guilt and stuff, but you’d never be one of those people who, like, rats on a friend or tells someone’s secrets. It’s admirable.”
CB: “Thanks.”

Silence.

Me: “I love that you’re not even asking me why I’m telling you this.”
CB: “I’m guessing it’s only a matter of time before you’ll tell me, so I’ll wait.”

Silence.

Me: “So this was my train of thought: I was thinking about that story and how, if that were me, I would’ve told everyone. Um, it took an hour after hearing it and I’d already told Beth and Matt. And Beth said she would also tell everyone. And then I started thinking about how you probably didn’t even go home and brag to your friends in college about it, which would’ve been a typical college guy thing to do.”
CB: “No, you’re right, I didn’t mention it.”
Me: “Right. And then I thought about how you’d totally be the guy other guys could, like, kind of do stupid or even bad things around and nobody would ever find out from you because you’re like a steal trap.”

Silence.

Me: “And then I thought how, if we were to rob a bank, you’d totally keep that quiet. I mean, we’d never rob a bank, but if we did, I’d give it away immediately. I’d be like I JUST ROBBED A BANK OH MY GOD. And you’d just sit there silently. It’s sort of admirable and creepy all at the same time.”
CB: “Um…thank you?”
Me: “I’ll say more admirable, though. But geez, I married you and now I’m finding out that there are all sorts of fun stories from your past that you haven’t told me!”
CB: “Why would I ever tell you that story? It was about another girl.”
Me: “Uh, FYI, if I had anything close to that story to tell, I’d tell you about every 6 months just so we could high five about it.”
CB: “There’s something wrong with you.”


Happy Monday, everyone! 

Friday, January 9, 2015

Friday Wrapup

Let's get to it!

***

Yay, it's snowing!!!!


***

This is similar to the conversations CB has with me weekly when I'm just no longer making sense. I believe this is a reenactment of us the other night.



***

Guess what I didn't do at all over my break? Write anything about any book that I've read. Thankfully, other members of my family do not possess my slacking gene, and so check out this week's book: "Outliers" by Malcolm Gladwell.  Definitely sounds like a must-read, and since I have a handy-dandy Kindle now (thanks, sis! I'm only about 5 years behind the times!), I think I'll be downloading it soon. Click here  to check it out and peruse around the site for other snowy, stay-inside-and-read recommendations! 

***

Ok, so this week's Video of the Week has a back-story that always makes me laugh. Several weeks ago, I mentioned how I really liked this one Ed Sheeran song, and I'll be damned if I'm in my 30s and am probably supposed to be aged out of his music. (Sidebar: in the song he says "I'll love you until I'm 70" and I told CB that that's how we know that we're old, because that's just not that old and then I said how we better love each other well into our 90s. But then I think he stopped listening). 

Anyway, I then told CB that the only problem is that I saw the video, and it's so ridiculous that now I can't quite listen to it the same way. 

Fast forward to him catching the video a few weeks later and being like "How was this ever a good idea for this video?", to which I agreed. Two days ago:

CB: "I heard that song again on the radio and I just can't listen to it anymore because all I see is him dancing."
Me: "Told you."
So....you're welcome. Happy Friday!