Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Conversations from Cohabitation

So, you guys are aware of this hacker scandal thing with Ashley Madison, right? Which is sort of like a really bad car accident but you can't look away, you know?

Which is why CB and I had this conversation the other day:

Me: "Man, did you see all of this craziness with the Ashley Madison website?"
CB: "Yeah, that's nuts."
Me: "I can't believe how many people were on there! I mean, I guess they say that more than half of all marriages will experience infidelity at some point, but still!"
CB: "Yeah, and apparently there were a bunch of .gov and .mil email addresses."
Me: "I know, I saw that!"

Silence.

Me: "I could't believe how many people used their work addresses. That's just dumb. I would never do that."

Silence.

Me: "I mean, if you're going to do it, at least create a fake email address, you know?"
CB: "I guess."
Me: "That's what I'd do. I mean, how dumb if I just signed up as me. Way too easy to trace."
CB, staring at me.
Me: "Like, I'd just have a yahoo account or something that you didn't know about."
CB, still staring while holding our daughter.
Me, realizing how this is all sounding: "Oh don't worry, I don't even have the energy to have an affair with you let alone create a seductive online personality."
CB: "So basically you're saying that the reason you haven't cheated on me via a cheaters website is because you're too lazy?"
Me: "Not lazy, tired."
CB: "Well that's a lot better."
Me: "Hey, whatever works, right?"
CB: "Feel the love." 

***

Tonight, while CB was feeding our daughter, I decided to give him his food options for dinner.

Me: "Ok, so we have the Swedish meatballs with egg noodles that your mom gave us or Chicken Parm. I'd have to cook the egg noodles for the meatballs."
CB: "Either sound delicious."
Me: "Which one would you like?"

Silence while he thought about it.

CB: "The meatballs would be great."
Me: "Really?? How did you not get that hint that I didn't want to make those?"
CB: "Wait, what?"
Me: "I told you I'd have to cook the noodles!"
CB: "Right and I said that either option sounded delicious!"
Me: "Yeah, and you were supposed to know that the chicken parm was easier for me to just heat up."
CB: "But you asked what I wanted!"
Me: "Only to give you the illusion of control over the situation, you should know me better by now."
CB: "Well then the chicken parm sounds delicious."
Me: "Great, I'm glad we're on the same page."

Silence.

CB: "What would I like to drink?"
Me: "Nobody thinks you're funny."

Friday, August 14, 2015

Friday Wrapup

Let's get to it! Look you guys, twice in one week!

***

First, some nice, light summer reading! "The Wisdom of Psychopaths"is a book my dad and I talked about last week and it actually sounds pretty interesting....even though CB was like "I guess you come by this hold darkness thing naturally..." after overhearing the conversation. Whatever, psychopaths are fun to talk about!

But check out my dad's review by clicking here and browse around for other summer reading inspiration (and even some that don't include psychopaths!).  Enjoy!

***

Um, if my daughter has ANY of my genes, when I play Beyonce, it will soothe her soul like it does mine. However, Biggie wouldn't be a bad second place option.


***

And speaking of Beyonce, I've started going to the gym around 6am every day while my daughter sleeps in with her dad (we use the term "sleep in" loosely these days...). And this song is THE ONE that gets me moving when my body aches from having carried a human inside of me for the last near-year and all I want to do is nap on the floor. Bey's got me.

Happy Friday, see you next week!


Monday, August 10, 2015

The Baby Comes Out of WHERE?

Disclaimer: apologies in advance for those of you who really are hoping this doesn’t turn into an annoying/boring mom-blog. For the next few posts, it might. Because I’ve turned into an annoying/boring mom. I hope to resume my natural position of annoying/boring regular person who happens to have given birth, but that may not happen ‘til September. Oh also, I say “butt” and “vagina” a lot. So you’ve been warned (CB).

So I’ve been out of blogging commission these last several weeks because a human – complete with shoulders and fingers and a whole big head of hair – decided to come out of my vagina and then demand that I feed and bathe and dress her while never once saying thank you or please or even offering to pick up the tab once as a gesture of good faith. And I’ve decided to go along with this one-sided deal because sometimes she smiles at me as if she recognizes that I’m the same person who had that cozy, handy uterus she grew to know and love for all of those months. And her smiles are super –cute, you guys.  

Also, because her dad and I drank too much wine some time back in October and basically created her life, so I’d feel kind of guilty leaving her with a note on the front step of one of our neighbors being like “she’s cute but also can blow gas like nobody’s business. You’re welcome and thank you.” And because our neighbors would probably recognize her as that kid belonging to the sleepy couple that used to shower a few months ago and then bring her back. And I’m uncomfortable with confrontation, so we’ll go ahead and just keep feeding and bathing her so that it doesn’t get awkward.  

Plus, since motherhood has made me a ball of anxiety that doesn’t want to let my daughter out of my sight, it’d probably make that whole “abandoning your newborn” thing a little more challenging. But mainly because our neighbors would totally bring her back.

Which brings me to the purpose of this post: a person grew inside of and then exited from my body and now I can’t sleep/don’t sleep/shower/go hang at the bar because LOVE. And hormones? And instincts. And a lack of prescription Xanax. Which people sort of prepared me for? But not really. Plus I wasn’t listening because it wasn’t happening yet and I’m kind of a control-freak who figured I’d totally ace this mom thing while also being able to shave my legs.  

I have not, if you’re wondering, aced either of those things.

So, in order to continue the trend of giving completely helpful advice to people who won’t listen until after they’ve already experienced something they could’ve avoided had they listened, jeez, I’m going to go ahead and list off some of the things I wish I’d known prior to having my daughter (who I love and adore and am staring at out of the corner of my eye as I type this because, hello, were you listening? I have anxiety issues that are irrational. And because I had a dream about her falling out of her boppy last night and now I basically can’t deal.)

You will catch poop in your hand. This is less something I wish I’d known and more something I just sort of wish I’d known wouldn’t actually be that big of a deal. I mean, I’d rather not hold another person’s poop in my hands, as a general rule. But if it has to be anyone’s, may as well be my daughter’s poop, is my thinking? Basically because I know she can’t help it and would totally rather take care of this whole thing herself, if she’s being honest. But since she’s just now starting to realize that her hands and feet are attached to her body, and still accidentally hits herself in the face at least three times a day, I’ll do the poop-catching until she’s at least a few more months old. Which I believe is what good parenting is all about.

You will love/hate your spouse. Not sure if this is universal, but for the sake of my marriage, I’ll assume yes? Because there are several moments where you will have simultaneous feelings of complete love and absolute hate for your partner. Which sounds harsh, especially when talking about the person you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with and is the father to your child. But, um, it’s true. (oh hi, CB!  You can skip this part, it’s not about you at all so go ahead and just re-read the earlier paragraph on catching poop. I love you. Bye.)

Like, the other day I looked at CB holding our daughter just after feeding her and thought how fortunate she and I were to have him. They were so adorable, he was so helpful, and I had 15 minutes to just sit there and not be a baby-manager.

And then the very next moment he complained about how tired he was (after his 8 consecutive hours of sleep) and if I hadn’t been so ACTUALLY tired from my 1.5 hours of consecutive sleep the prior three nights, I would’ve hit him. And it would’ve hurt for sure, because that was some visceral rage right there.

But then he cleaned her poop-up-the-front diaper and gave her a bath and I loved him wholeheartedly again. Until he left all of the dirty bottles on the counter before heading out to his job where he gets to hang with other adults for eight hours and I cursed his name under my breath so that our daughter wouldn’t worry about being the product of a broken home.

Oh also, he’ll love/hate you right back. So it’s a reciprocal thing which makes it totally fine.

Man, I should really be a life coach.

Procreate with someone you like. Not just someone you love. Because love won’t save you at 4am during gas and screams (the baby’s, not yours – though it’s not out of the question). Like will.

Like will get you to see past the fact that neither of you have showered, thought about, talked about, or even hung out around the idea of personal hygiene/grooming for a few days and it’ll move you right into acceptance that this is temporary and one or both of you (hopefully) will attempt to woo the other in the not-too-distant future. And like will also help you remember that you felt hot-body feelings for this person at one point (which is how you got yourselves into this mess blessing in the first place) and that they’ll eventually come back to resembling the person you married once you’ve used deodorant again.

You will show literally anyone your vagina. I mean, not, like, when you get home and your in-laws come over for dinner. But while you’re in the hospital, prior to giving birth, I assure you that you will get to the point where someone will enter the room and you’ll be like “Do you need to see my vagina? Ok. Here.”

Which is totally weird, I know, but I spent the first three-to-four hours of my 26-hour labor experience trying to be coy. Like, someone would come in to check my cervix and I’d have my knees together, all lady-like, trying to be dainty. And then the nurse would explain that that’s not a helpful position to be in for cervix-checking and you’ll make your husband turn around because the cervix isn’t one of your sexier parts.

Cut to: three hours later when you just stop pulling the sheet back up over you b/c that’s a lot of work and leaning/bending is hard and why fight it?  Here’s my vagina. I’m so sorry, housekeeping-lady-who-just-wanted-to-empty-the-garbage – I have no dignity left.

And most importantly…..

You poop babies. WHAT? Yeah.
Why hasn’t anyone ever, in the history of writing about birth, EVER mentioned that when you’re fully dilating and approaching the time at which you’ll finally get to push out a person, all of your normal contractions stop and it suddenly feels like your baby is about to come out of your butt?

MY GOD, you guys.

To be fair, a friend of mine did mention the pooping babies thing to me about a week or two before I gave birth, but I forgot about it because it sounded gross and ridiculous and it wasn’t happening yet (see above rationale for this). But then it WAS happening and so I turned to CB and was like “Ok, so I know we’ve gone ‘round the bend in the over-share department these last 24 hours, but since you’re the only person in the room, I need to tell you this: I’m pretty sure our baby is going to come out of my butt, and unless I missed something in health class, I think that’s the wrong place?”

And then he went to McDonald’s to get some dinner and bleach his eardrums.

So I texted my friend Beth (the person who’d actually told me this prior to labor):

Me: So is this normal or weird that it feels like the baby is about to come out of my butt?
Beth: Uh, we talked about this. Normal. Call your nurse. You’re about to have the baby!
Me: Really? That’s kind of embarrassing. Plus, I think she’s on her dinner break, I don’t want to bother her.
Beth: You’re having a baby. Call your nurse. Seriously. I can’t believe you’re even texting me right now.

And then 35 minutes later my daughter was born. Out of the normal part. Not my butt. (I think).

So ok, this wasn’t a comprehensive list of things to know, but it’s a list unlike what I’ve seen on all of my mommy blogs. I mean, no offense, but telling me to bring my favorite music with me into the delivery room and having a birthing plan was unhelpful, ALL PREGNANCY BLOGS. Because I assure you that my birth plan would’ve included a lot less butt-pushing and a ton more Beyonce music had this at all been within my control.

Which it’s not. Because it’s about babies. And the only thing you really need to know about having babies is that the control goes out the window once you’re catching poop and showing the security guard your vagina.

And it’s the best thing I’ve ever done with my life, hands-down. And probably the smelliest.

Glad to be (kind of) back! Thanks for your patience, blog-readers!




Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Oh, How the Mighty Have Fallen

Hey look! I still know how to use the internet!

Thanks for your patience as I continue to figure out how to not completely mess it up with a 6 week old!

However, lest you think we're out there whooping it up with no time to blog.....here's a text from earlier today.


Stay tuned, guys! Thanks for sticking it out with me!

Monday, June 29, 2015

And Then We Made a Tiny Human...

...and she was born last Thursday to the two happiest parents in the world. Three weeks early and pretty much the best thing that we've ever experienced so far. I mean, it's Day Four, but I think we'll keep her.

So please stick it out with me until I figure out this parenting a tiny human thing and I'll be back eventually with lots of stories. Holy hell there are stories.

Welcome to this crazy world, Rauri! You've already made it exponentially better.



Thursday, June 18, 2015

Friday Wrapup

Let's get to it!

***

This week's book (thanks, dad!) is "A Spy Among Friends" by Ben Macintyre. Sounds like a book CB would like so I'm adding it to the list of birthday gifts I can't forget to get him since we'll have a newborn and I'll be sleepy by then. Click here to check it out and peruse around for other reading inspiration!

***

Don't forget that this Sunday is Father's Day! And this was appropriate, selfishly, for us this year since CB is technically already a dad to a baby still on the inside. Plus, these women were much sweeter about the ways in which they told their partners that they were going to be a dad. I said "Um" and CB turned around from looking in the refrigerator and stared at the pregnancy test that said "pregnant" on it for about a minute before speaking and then I said "Ok, I have to go take another one just to be sure!" and ran back into the bathroom like a crazy person.

I'm a delight. Also, CB was incredibly sweet about it and could not have been more excited or happy (or in shock). And this commercial makes me cry because HORMONES. I can't help it.


***

And now, the Video of the Week. I just like this song and hope you guys enjoy it, too! Happy Friday, Happy Father's Day to all you dads (especially my own), and enjoy your weekend! See you next week!




Conversations from Cohabitation...and an update

Hi all, just wanted to let you know that it's been quite a roller coaster week - baby is fine, we are fine, but we did spend two nights in the hospital wondering if we'd be parents a week or two early! And yes....I'll tell you the story on an upcoming blog next week! (assuming, you know, that I don't go into labor or something before then). What a ride with this sassy baby!

Thanks for all of your notes, sorry for the erratic posts as of late - might be the case for the upcoming few weeks with baby coming but I'll do my best to keep you updated and share some fun stories in between!

So...here's something to hold you over until tomorrow's Friday Wrapup:

Um, so I don't know if you guys heard about Mary Lee - the 3,456 pound shark that has been hanging out near the Jersey Shore or not, but she terrifies me and should terrify everyone. Except, apparently, my husband. (also, for those of you who don't know, this is Matt Harvey, the dreamy pitcher from the Mets).

Me: "I can't even believe you think I'd ever go back into the ocean with Mary Lee swimming around."
CB: "Becky, she's not that close to shore."
Me: "She was spotted 10 miles off the shore!"
CB: "Do you know how far 10 miles is?"
Me: "We were probably close to 10 miles out when you and Matt made me go into the waves last year."
CB: "We need to work on your distance skills. We were about 10-15 feet from the shore."
Me: "Whatever, I have realistic fear boundaries."
CB: "There is nothing realistic about your shark fears."
Me: "Last year you kept telling me to 'swim into the wave' and I'm lucky that I didn't swim right into Mary Lee's mouth!"
CB, laughing: "Beck, the likelihood of you swimming into a shark's mouth is as likely as you getting struck by lightning while making out with Matt Harvey."
Me: "Um, for some reason it sounds like you're saying that's unlikely. I mean, getting struck by lightning, sure. But making out with Matt Harvey could totally happen."
CB: "Yep, totally. Just like you being eaten by a shark while 10 feet off the shore. Same odds."
Me: "I don't like your doubting tone. I'm a catch."
CB: "Yep, a 9 month's pregnant, 37-year-old catch for a 26-year-old stud pitcher in NYC."
Me: "I'm glad we're on the same page."

Happy Thursday!


Friday, June 12, 2015

Friday Wrapup

Let's get to it!

***

Thanks for all the kind words from Wednesday's post! You guys are the best.

This week's book is one I had to convince my dad to blog about because he thinks that "nobody cares about this stuff." Um, untrue, for one, and two, I personally know that you guys pick up books that we post about on a regular basis, telling me that there's an eclectic bunch of readers out there waiting for the next review!

So....here it is! Click here and check out "The Swerve: How the World Became Modern."

***

We've got a trend going on featuring sassy girls dancing and making my day. This one has some SOUL. I can only hope that if we have a daughter, she'll have this kind of spirit! (thanks for sharing, mom!)



***

And now, the Video of the Week. I cannot get this song out of my head and it seems like the perfect way to start your Friday and head into the weekend. Enjoy and I'll talk to you Monday!





Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Livin' the Dream

So I’ve obviously been MIA and it’s basically because I’m a creature of habit. And the moment my habits are altered in any way, I pretty much just take a nap and call it a day. Which is a fortunate character trait for my current state of being since I’m basically supposed to be laying still for the next four weeks until a baby comes out of my body.

You see, a few weeks ago I headed in for my regular OB checkup, which at this stage in the game, is a weekly occurrence. I walked in during my lunch break from work, sat down, got my blood pressure taken, hung out, and then found my concerned doctor rushing into the room to comment on my “swollen face and extremely high blood pressure” and immediately ushering me off to labor and delivery.

Which, as you can imagine, did wonders to lower my blood pressure and raise my fragile self-esteem that had me feeling like a bloated buffalo.

And so I casually strolled over to labor and delivery, texted CB and was like “yeah, don’t worry, I’m sure they won’t make me have the baby today, they’re just being overly cautious.”

Cut to: one hour later when the head of labor and delivery was like “so, if this doesn’t get better we’re going to have to induce you.”

To which my response was to immediately looked for snacks in my bag because I’ve heard you can’t eat once labor begins and I HAVE PRIORITIES, PEOPLE.  

But the good news is that they were able to stabilize my bp (by making me lay still for three hours) and sent me home with strict instructions for bed-rest from hereon out – no more going into the office, no more working out, no more….moving. Basically. Until the end of this month when I’ll be full term and can then jumping jacks this kid out of me if I want to. (I mean, they didn’t say that, but I read between the lines.)

Anyway. That’s what I’ve been up to – working from my couch, taking my blood pressure all the time, making a fun little “emergency” trip back to labor and delivery at 9pm Sunday night because apparently being awake makes my blood pressure sky-rocket, and not blogging.

However, I’ll keep you guys posted and will have a Friday Wrapup for you so that we all have something to live for. There’s a new little girl dancing video that I’ve basically watched on repeat because that’s what you do when you’re on bed-rest/your world has become very small.

What have you guys been up to?

Happy Wednesday, everyone!


Friday, June 5, 2015

Friday Wrapup

Let's get to it!

***

First of all, thanks for sticking with me while I adjust to my new schedule and trying to keep this kid inside of me for a few more weeks! You guys are the best, most loyal readers and I appreciate it!

***

The book of the week is "Dead Wake" by Erik Larson. My dad has been doing the heavy lifting in the blogging world these days and I could not be more appreciative! Plus, he and my mom read more than any two humans I know, and so I'm glad he's sharing what he's been reading so that you guys can get some ideas, too! Click here to check out the book review and look around for other inspiration!

***

Um you guys? We totally saw our baby's face yesterday on a 3D ultrasound and it was basically the best. Warning: this parenting thing is going to turn me into an insufferable sap, I think, because I got all teary looking at a somewhat blurry, black and white baby face inside of my uterus. So, you know, this kid is screwed when it comes out and I won't stop smothering it with what I call love and he/she calls "I'll be in therapy until I'm 50 because my mom has boundary issues."

But you know who has no boundary issues? The person who wrote this book.

My baby shower was this past weekend and it was pretty much the best. My parents were in town, our friends and family came out, and it was basically an awesome day. Plus, we got a ton of books so we could stock BC's bookshelf!

Well, last night our friend Beth came over and was like "Wait, did you get 'I'll Love You Forever?' It'll creep you out." And we didn't unfortunately/fortunately. So she started telling us the story about how this mom ends up rocking her grown-a$$ son in his sleep like a creepy psycho.

Which is what I'm going to try not to do to my adorable, in-utero baby when he/she comes out. But no promises because apparently this parenting thing makes you an insane person? Or write/read really disturbing books to your kids.

***

YOU GUYS. Watch this video if you do nothing else today. My mom showed this to us while they were in town over the weekend and our whole family was in tears from laughter and pure joy over watching this little girl basically slay Zumba. She. Is. The Greatest.

When she claps in the air?  I cannot. I must watch it on repeat. You must, too.

So this is the Video of the Week! Because she's just too much to handle and you will be so happy this is how you spent your Friday. Enjoy!




Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Wait, what day is it?

Oops...today is Wednesday and I didn't blog! I'm the worst. And will be the worst tomorrow. But I'll be the best on Friday!

Ok, so this new schedule of mine will take some getting used to but I'll get there soon....

Thanks for your patience!

Monday, June 1, 2015

Good News and Bad News

The good news is, you'll be getting more regular blogs from me in the coming weeks! The bad news is that it's because I'm essentially under house arrest for the next few weeks until the baby comes.

Why?

Um duh, I'll blog about it Wednesday!

But stay tuned and thanks for your patience! CB has informed me that my "fans" don't like checking in and coming up empty! (Read: CB wants something to read on his lunch break.)

Talk to you Wednesday!

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Wait...How Old Am I?

The best part of being pregnant is that I can blame this baby for EVERYTHING right now. Once he or she is out, I'm sure I'll find a way to continue to do so. But for the time being, it's quite helpful.

Especially because I think I've actually started to lose it, as evidenced by this text exchange from the other day with CB:




Happy Wednesday!

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

What I Learned by Stalking Rich People

So every day I walk by a bunch of galleries and high-end furniture stores on my way to work in NYC. I glance into the windows and wonder who actually shops there, since everything as far as the eye can see costs more than my month’s salary, I’m pretty sure. But it’s all so perfectly decorated and laid out that I gaze longingly, though I’m clearly not their target audience. I’m pretty sure these places are catering to a class of people who wouldn’t want to hang with me unless they were doing a charity outreach program to people who shop at Target and consider Pottery Barn “a little rich for my blood.”

But as I longingly peer into the lives of people much richer than I will ever dream of being, I also think to myself: Super Rich people are weird.

Because, as you’re about to see on the visual virtual tour of my walk to work every day, super rich people like some wacky stuff, you guys. I mean, this isn't a scientific study, I suppose, but I'm pretty sure the seven pictures I'm about to show you sum up ALL SUPER RICH PEOPLE. Because that's how science and opinions work.  


Let’s proceed: 

1. This terrifies me every day. It's the ad for an art exhibit about a block from my office and it makes me happy that my unborn baby can't see through my skin. 

The exhibit is called "Enchanted Space." However, this photo always gives me "Horrific Nightmares." 

What is happening here? I don't get art and I kind of don't care? I really, really, really hate art exhibits. Like, to the point that I think maybe there's something wrong with me. Because the last thing I ever in my life will ever want to do is go look at art - pretty much any kind. I mean, if you're my friend and you've done something artsy and I'm coming to support you? Cool. But I'm banking on free champagne and hor duerves to get me through the event, and we should both know that going in. 

Even "good" art, which I deem as anything not "modern" and/or made during the Baroque period. I'm pretty sure the last time I went to an art exhibit and spent any sort of real time there is when I was visiting a hot guy I was in love with who lived in Vienna and he thought it'd be "fun" to take me to a super-boring Viennese art exhibit. I woud've preferred just going to have coffee and looking at his face, but instead, we looked at a bunch of paintings of people who looked depressed sitting perfectly still and sometimes eating fruit.

I mean, I just don't get it, and I don't really care if I ever do. And stuff like this just confuses me instead of enchants me. I'm so uncouth! (also, I realize that you don't have to be rich to appreciate art. However, this art exhibit looks so fancy that I'm pretty sure you have to dress up to go inside. Sort of like those stores in Beverly Hills from "Pretty Woman" where she wasn't dressed well enough and so they wouldn't even serve her. I'm guessing it's the non-prostitute version of that.) 


2. This is the first of many random animals that rich people supposedly like to decorate their homes with. This, I think? is a cheetah. Or a house cat on steroids. Or some exotic rich cat found in the wild on safaris that I've never been on. 

It also looks like it's thinking of eating me and so I'm struggling to reason why you'd want this in your living room. 

Do super rich people like to be scared in their homes and/or while enjoying leisure time? Because between the art exhibit and this, I'm deducing that the answer is yes. 

I should have a PhD in sociology, you guys. 




3. It took me a minute to figure out what this was, but it's, duh, giant grapes on a table. 

Super Rich people love giant things! 

But seriously. Where do you put this? Is this, like, instead of flowers as your centerpiece? I'm guessing it goes on a table since the display has it on a table, but then...is it just a grape display table? Because you can't really functionally use that table to, like, work from home or eat a snack. Right? 

And when you visit someone with giant fruit on their table, are you obliged to acknowledge it? Like "Hey, where did you get your giant gold grapes? I've wanted something to complement my enormous bowl of peaches for a while and just haven't quite been able to find the right accent piece." Oh, also, rich people say "accent piece," not sure if you knew that. 


4. Now, to be fair, I'm guessing a super rich person with taste wouldn't have ALL of these things in their home at the same time. Maybe, like, the giant grapes and the cheetah go in your primary home, and the horse heads and the snail (below) go to your lake house? Because that would be too many oversized animals/food products in one place, right? 

But this just creates more questions than answers for me. Is the snail a garden piece? Would you be foolish to have this in your foyer (pronounced "foyAY" if you're fancy) and your other friends would all talk about you behind your back after the cocktail party and be like "Wow, Elaine really has no eye for where that giant bronzed snail should go. How could she NOT know that it belongs in her atrium?" 

And AHHHHHH! Where do the three giant sheep go??? This is getting out of control!!!!

What if you can't afford all three? Is it just not done to have one sheep? Or two? Are they for counting at night? Are these bedroom sheep? I need answers about the giant sheep, you guys! Plus, do you have to buy the sheep pedestal that the one king sheep is on in the display? Do rich people just know these things?? This is so stressful!!!! 


5. And finally, if you're looking for a luxury condo to put all of your giant animals in, look no further than a place that apparently doesn't discriminate against 18th century people, 18th century people who don't wear tops, and the shockingly buff tattoo artist who kind of gives you the creeps because he lives in the garage behind the shop but also is sort of artsy and aloof in that way that college girls really like? They'll totally take all of those people! I really need to get a wig and/or more tattoos. It'll be my key to success. 

Or so I'm guessing based upon this very specific advertisement that just has the website for the condo building and pictures of these people on it. You must just know what to do if you're Super Rich and like to wear corsets while staring at your giant grapes and petting your massive flock of sheep. But I know for sure that they probably definitely like terrifying art exhibits

Is this what rich people in SoHo look like? I'm learning so much on my way to work, you guys! Thanks for taking the tour with me. 

Happy Wednesday! 




Monday, May 18, 2015

Friday Monday Wrapup

It's that time...only a few days late! Let's get to it.

***

First: Mama Bear is gettin' irritated, you guys. Poor CB has had to hear me rant (and apparently "yell more than you used to") about people on the subway not offering their seats to an eight(plus) months pregnant person more than they acknowledge and offer. I take the train 10 times per week. On average, I'm seated and/or offered a seat about 2-3 of those times.

I'm terrible at math and even I know that's really bad, you guys.

However, to the people who immediately get up and insist I take their seat? You're saints and heroes and my giant cankles thank you. For the 95% of you who pretend like you don't see me even though I totally saw you see me? YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.

Because step one for me is all of the (in-apartment) yelling I've done after a long day/week of commuting. Step two is me rehearsing in my head what I will say to people when I finally snap (insert: all last week and today). Step three is me snapping and the 5 o'clock news footage of a tired, potentially cry-y pregnant woman talking about manners and scolding strangers because she just can't take it anymore, you guys.

So, society: you've been warned. GET. UP.

***

On a lighter and way less scream-y note, the book of the week is here! "In a Sunburned Country" had me at the cover. Anything with a kangaroo on the front basically gets my vote. However, it also sounds, as the review boasts, like "a good summer read." And since we're heading up to Memorial Day, this is timely! Go Amos Family!

So click here to check it out and browse around for other inspiration!

***

You guys. I didn't watch the Billboard Awards because (a) I was probably sleeping and (b) I don't even know who half of these people are anymore because I've purposely aged myself out of listening to or being familiar with any music by someone named Waka Flocka Flame.

So instead, I'm going to highlight a band that popped up on my iPod this morning that immediately brought me back to a specific time and place in my life nearly 6 years ago. I was obsessed with Airborne Toxic Event and when this song came on I fell in love with them all over again. There's just something about music from your past that sucks you back in every time (I'm looking at you, "I Wanna Dance With Somebody"!)

Enjoy!



Friday, May 15, 2015

Ahhhh! Happy Friday!

Having some internet/video posting issues today so I'll save the Friday wrap up - complete with a new book of the week - until Monday.

Happy Friday, enjoy your weekend!

Monday, May 11, 2015

I Might Join AARP for the Swag.

I got a letter in the mail the other day from AARP, inviting me to become a member. I kept staring at it, assuming I was misreading. But alas, I was not.



So I showed it to CB, who promptly had a field day with this information.

CB: “Look at the tote bag you’d get! That’s really nice, you should join!”
Me: “I’m not 50 or older!”
CB: “Maybe they’re just going by your average bedtime?”
Me: “I hate you.”
CB: “Plus, we might get discounts and stuff. You should really consider it.”
Me: “I’M THIRTY-SEVEN!”

And then he started reading the letter out loud to me as I walked away to pretend I couldn’t hear his laughter. However, as he got to the last sentence, he started laughing so hard that I started laughing just by watching him laugh, even though I didn’t know what we were laughing about.

CB: “We have to frame this.”
Me: “I hate you.”
CB: “Listen to this last sentence…. ‘It can help you protect your health, your money, your family, your career-“

And then he took a long pause to wipe away laughter-tears:

CB: “-and make the most of life over 50.”

And then he had to sit forward to let the laughter out more, as he clutched the favorite piece of mail he’s never received in his hands.


I’ll begin speaking to him sometime this fall. 

You do have to admit, though, that's a pretty sweet bag. 

Friday, May 8, 2015

Friday Wrapup

Let's get to it!

***

This week's book is "The Road to Character" by David Brooks. I kind of dig David Brooks. I don't always agree with him (which I could say literally about everyone...except Beyonce), but oftentimes he makes me think and is so darned rational that I'm like "You know what? I think you're right!"

Which is why I'm glad that my dad blogged about this new book, though reading has been a challenge for me lately (laying down + doing anything but sleeping = not up my alley). I'm going to download this to my Kindle, though, and have it at the ready for when I finally keep my eyes open for longer than 10 minutes while stationary!

Click here and enjoy!

***

This Sunday is Mother's Day and while I've always loved and appreciated my mom, I think I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg now that I'm about to be one myself. Holy crap, mom....thanks.

Also, a friend sent this to me yesterday and I've watched it, like, three times and just keep on laughing. Some of my favorite moments are "It’s nice to know that your body wants to destroy you" and "If anyone tries to f___ with me, how f___’ing dare you.”

Every single mother has gone through some form of this, though the getting out of bed and bending over the dishwasher are daily routines I've found myself dreading. Also, found out yesterday that Chubs McGee (that's my new name for our baby) is FOUR POUNDS already. Hence, my Fred Flinstone feet. Love you, Chubs!

Also also, CB and I both accidentally watched/read about birth stuff that happens the other day (mine was an accident, he was the big dummy that read about an episiotomy on purpose) and I've decided that I'll just carry my child on the inside for forever.

Enjoy.



***

And now, the Video of the Week! This is one of my favorite The Streets songs so figured I'd share it! And then I couldn't remember if I'd posted it before. And then I didn't care and so I'm posting it anyway. Happy Friday, Happy Mother's Day Weekend, and see you Monday!




Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Someone has to have me as a mom.

So yesterday, my awesome co-workers threw me a surprise baby shower, complete with cake, balloons, and games. It was great, they’re all great, and I was so surprised that I immediately turned red and started sweating out of adrenaline/shock. It was a good time.

However, one of the games made me realize a few things. It was a baby animal game, duh, where you're given the names of the adult animals and then had to come up with the baby word for that animal.

Sounds easy for a grown up, right?

See below and then let’s focus in on a few things:


  • I literally wrote “baby” in front of a few adult animal names thinking maybe that was actually right. It was not. Also, NOBODY knows what a baby elephant is called. 
  • Everyone but me knew that horses and ponies were two different animals! WHO KNEW THAT? When did you learn it? How did I miss this? I was unsurprisingly, not embarrassed that this was happening in front of my boss and my boss’ boss. At one point, my director put his head in his hands when I mentioned that it’s a good thing I didn’t have to take this quiz in order to get my job. However, I did suggest that we start implementing it as a good way to filter out other dumb people like me so that we don’t hit a critical mass of people who think ponies are baby horses. 
  • Nobody knows what a baby raccoon is called. That’s just ridiculous.
  • Cheater’s tip: if you’re unsure, write “calf.” That was the answer to almost every one I didn’t know. Not “baby _______", FYI.
  • I high-fived my coworker when it was confirmed that a baby butterfly is a caterpillar. Because we had this actual, adult conversation (oh, and yes, we were conspiring because he didn't want to actually play, but is too competitive to not be involved): 
Me: "I'm pretty sure it's caterpillar....right?"
Him: "Maybe? I don't know, are all caterpillars baby butterflies?"
Me: "That's a question for the ages. I'm going with caterpillar." 
  • When writing down “gosling” for baby goose, I then told my director: “Not like Ryan Gosling, in case you were confused.” To which I think he was really impressed.
  • My friend and co-worker pointed out that I’m essentially a 5-year-old in a woman’s pregnant body because I put sad faces next to the answers I got wrong. 
Him: “What are you, in kindergarten? Who writes sad faces next to wrong answers?”
Me: “I do. Why, you don’t?”
Him: “No, I’m an adult.”
Me: “So what do you write?”
Him: “I don’t know, x’s?”
Me: “Wow. That’s boring.”

I’m going to be a mom to someone, you guys.

Happy Wednesday!

Monday, May 4, 2015

I've Become a Giant Marshmallow Man. Plus, CB totally loves life!

Good news: I’m done peeing into a jug.
Bad news: My hands and feet have disappeared and someone has replaced them with the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man’s extremities.



CB is really liking this stage of marriage and life, you guys. It’s fun for him to watch me transform before his eyes, get a running start at sitting upright, and fall asleep prior to 8pm. The upside is that he could literally be leading a much more exciting double-life that starts around 8:15 every night and I’d never know it.  

Also, his life now includes a fun new game called “Becky doesn’t know what she’s talking about but I end up doing a lot of work for nothing anyway.” It’s a working title, we’re open to suggestions.

Example 1:

On Friday, CB bought me gorgeous flowers because that’s how he rolls. So of course I broke our really nice fancy vase a few weeks ago because I’m me, but knew that we had another less-fancy vase somewhere in the apartment.

Me: “I think it’s above the refrigerator.”
CB: “Ok.”
Me, staring at him walking over to the table to eat the hot pizza that just got delivered.
CB, turning to see me staring: “What?”
Me: “Any chance you could get the vase now?”
CB: “Right now?”
Me: “Yes, because then we’ll start eating and watching the movie and then the flowers will just sit there slowly dying on the counter for hours otherwise.”
CB, grumbling about hot pizza while he walks over to the kitchen: “It’s above the refrigerator?”
Me: “I think so? I’m not really sure, but that’s my guess.”
CB, beginning to move all of the liquor bottles we have on top of the refrigerator to get to the cupboards: “Why is everything we ever need in these cupboards?”
Me: “You’re being dramatic. We barely ever use those cabinets.”
CB: “Yes, I’m the dramatic one. And I seem to remember doing this about two weeks ago looking for something that you then found in the linen closet.”
Me: “That sounds unlikely.”

Finally, he moves everything down off the fridge and opens the cupboards.

CB: “I don’t see a blue vase.”
Me: “Are you sure?”
CB: “I’m positive.”
Me, thinking.
Me: “Oh! I remember, I think it’s in the front closet!”

So I went over and opened the closet and there it was.

CB: “You do this just to mess with me, right?”
Me, laughing: “No, I swear I thought it was up there.”
CB: “Ok, but next time, let’s check the closets first, ok?”
Me: "Deal.”

Example 2:

Walking to the car the other day, CB had his hands full of bags as we had this conversation:

Me: “Oh, I think I gave you the car keys.”
CB: “Why would you give me the car keys, you’re driving?”
Me: “I know, but I don’t have pockets.”

So, CB puts all of the bags down and starts rifling through his pockets.

CB: “I don’t think I have the keys.”
Me: “You definitely have the keys.”
CB, searching.
Me, putting my hand in my pocket: “Oh! I have the keys. And pockets! My bad.”
CB: “How did you not know that you had pockets?”
Me: “I don’t really know, I guess I forgot what I was wearing. I think I was thinking about yesterday.”
CB, picking all of the bags back up: “I’m not even going to go down this road with you because I’ll just end up even more confused.”
Me: “Story of your life.”
CB: “You have no idea.”


Happy Monday!