Friday, November 21, 2014

Friday Wrapup




Let's get to it!

***

I'm sort of shocked that I haven't mentioned this before now, but my birthday is Monday. And the reason I'm bringing it up is two-fold: (a) J-Lo recently turned 45 and had life-sized cake made of her laying on a lion. As you do, and (b) Monday is my birthday and no I feel like I've failed at life because THIS NEVER OCCURRED TO ME. (Also, has that baker ever seen a picture of what J-Lo looks like? Just wondering.)




I'm not a huge lion fan, mainly because I think they might eat me, but I could definitely get down with, like, a Becky/Panda cake. Me hugging a panda? Or the two of us feeding each other eucalyptus or whatever Panda's eat? Wait, is that a koala I'm thinking of? That's ok, I'm good with a Panda/Koala combo.

Let's get on that, people.

***

This week's book is "The Light Between Oceans" by M. L. Stedman. I can always appreciate a book review that lets me know there's a movie in the works about it in case I'm too lazy to actually read.

Click here and check it out and browse for other reading inspiration!

***

Speaking of pandas, who else likes the snow? Ok, maybe not you guys up in Buffalo...and in Michigan....and the other parts of the country they skim over when talking about weather. But since we haven't had any yet here in NYC, I'm with the panda.


***

And now, the Video of the Week. This song came on my iPod this morning and it always makes me smile. So, it's this week's choice! Enjoy and happy weekend, everyone!


Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Exhibit A

The other day I walked into my office, sat down, and turned to my co-worker sitting behind me. 

Me: "Hey, could you do me a favor and help me for a minute?"Coworker: "Sure, what's up?"Me, handing him my purse: "I got my umbrella stuck in my purse."

To which my coworker stared at the purse and then back at me. 

Coworker: "How does this happen?"Me: "I'm amazing?"Coworker: "Or...."Me: "Or, I shoved my umbrella into my purse and then tried to zip it and got the material stuck in the zipper."Coworker: "This is like the time you got yourself stuck in your coat and I had to use a stretched out paperclip to get you out."Me: "Oh yeah, I forgot about that."
And then another coworker with too good of a memory chimed in. 

Coworker #2: "You've gotten stuck in your coat a few times. I remember when Brian spent a good ten minutes getting you unstuck from your own zipper a few years ago."Me: "Yeah, it's why I ended up buying a new coat. I got tired of having to pull it off over my head or pulling it down and stepping out of it."Coworker: "I honestly don't know how you get to work in the morning."Me: "It's not always a small miracle."

Cut to: ten minutes later, my coworker is still trying to unzip the purse, though he was able to cut the umbrella out, which was step one. Also, he started sweating so much from the tugging that he had to take his sweater off. 
Now my umbrella has character.

Me: "I really appreciate this."Coworker: "I think it might be time for a new purse."Me: "No! I love this purse! Plus, my lunch is in there, so we have to get it open."

Cut to: ten more minutes and my coworker finally admitted defeat. Also, he didn't want to be responsible for breaking my purse and having me secretly hate him.

So, after tugging and pulling and pushing and cutting, I was able to nudge the zipper just enough to get my lunch out, which is basically all I wanted, so then I called it a day. However, when I got home that night, I handed it to CB and asked him to take a look at it.

CB: "I literally don't know how you do these things."Me: "I'm a mystery."CB: "And also kind of a danger to yourself and others."Me: "Well, I really don't see how getting stuck in my own coat or getting my umbrella caught in my purse is dangerous to others...."CB: "Because you end up coming to those others for help and we're the ones with scissors and sharp objects in our hands to get you out."Me: "Better than me with the scissors."CB: "So true."

And then, like it was his second job, he removed the tiny piece of material still wedged inside the teeth of the zipper, opened it and closed it, and handed it back without even saying a word.

Me: "If anyone ever questions why we work? This is Exhibit A."CB: "Becky, our whole life is Exhibit A."

Happy Wednesday everyone! 

Monday, November 17, 2014

Conversations from Cohabitation: The Moustache Edition

Yesterday, I walked into the apartment after the gym and started chatting with CB, who I hadn’t seen since the day before when he went to a bachelor party for his cousin.

CB: “How was the gym?”
Me: “Good! They had that awful air freshener in there still, so I had to pull that out of the wall so I could actually breathe. And someone was on the elliptical, so I did my floor work first and then used it once she was done.”
CB: “That’s good, I’m glad you were able to get the full workout.”
Me, looking at him and smiling: “How are you doing? Feeling ok?”
CB: “Yep, I feel good, glad I got to sleep in.”
Me: “Yeah, I’ll bet.”
Me, walking into the kitchen to get some lunch: “I think I’m going to eat before I shower, sorry if that’s gross.”
CB: “Fine by me.”

I get my lunch and we continue chatting. Finally, he gives me a kiss and I stare at him for a minute and then my eyes get big.

Me: “OH MY GOD you shaved your moustache off!!!”
CB, laughing: “I can’t believe we’ve had three different conversations, you’ve looked right at me, and still didn’t notice.”
Me: “Oh my God you look like you again!”
CB: “Um, apparently you don’t even look at my face when you talk to me. It’s been five minutes.”
Me: “It’s because you look like you and I forgot that you haven’t looked like you for two weeks.”
CB: “Or you look around my face when you talk to me.”
Me: “I suppose it’s possible. But what made you shave? It definitely wasn’t because I hated it. That seemed to fuel you.”
CB: “I probably kept it a week longer because of how much it bothered you.”
Me: “I figured.”
CB: “I just looked in the mirror this morning and couldn’t stand to look at it one more day. I looked ridiculous.”
Me: “As I said two weeks ago.”
CB: “Uh, let’s not forget it took you three days to notice that I had a moustache.”
Me: “So I’m getting better! It only took me five minutes to notice that it was gone!”
CB: “Quite an improvement.”
Me: “As is your face.”


IT’S GONE! RIP, 'stache.

Friday, November 14, 2014

Friday Wrapup!

I know, I know, I'm late with the post! But our friend Kate is visiting and I'm a busy woman, people! Also, I forgot.

Let's get to it!

***

This week's awesome book is "The Valley of Amazement" by Amy Tan. Click here to check out the review and browse around for other inspiration!

***

Yes, CB still has his stupid moustache and is GETTING TOO MUCH ENCOURAGEMENT. But it is kinda funny. And he looks ridiculous, knows it, and works it to his advantage. Which I sort of approve of (don't tell him.)

***

Did I mention I'm distracted today? So let's get right to the video of the week.

Aaaaaaaaaand the Video of the Week. Courtesy of my friend Beth.

Beth: "Um, it's 10:30 and I see no Friday Wrapup."
Me, blow drying my hair: "I know, I'm late. I'll do it when I'm done. Also, I need a video of the week, that's your job."

10 minutes later, this is what she sent me. So...........you're welcome. Also, YouTube wouldn't let me plug it right into the blog, so click here!

Happy Friday!

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

The Moustache.

Ok. So we all know how I feel about the moustache that CB is growing because he knows it bugs me, right?  Which I think is what marriage is all about?

Anyway, it has all been worth it simply because I got the following email from my dad yesterday after texting my parents a picture of CB with his dumb moustache, wearing his aviator sunglasses.

So your mother and I were discussing the picture you sent of CB and I thought he looked like any number of movie stars who try to mask their good looks by going scruffy.  I couldn't tell from the picture that his lip had any more hair than the rest of his face.
Anyhow, your mother said "maybe he's trying to look like that movie star Becky likes" and then neither of us could come up with the name.  I knew who she meant and said he was a Mouseketeer which started the discussion of the new Mouseketeers who have made it as adult celebrities.  At first she mentioned Hugh Jackman, who wasn't a Mouseketeer and is older than who we were discussing.  He is a good looking man but doesn't normally look scruffy, except when he's the Wolverine.  So I pulled out my phone and Googled "Gangster Squad" and as his picture came up, mom said "Ryan Gosling."  I showed her the picture, except there was also a picture of Jared Leto and she thought he was Ryan Gosling.  So when we got off that tangent, we scrolled through the pictures of Mr. Gosling and one showed him with a 3 or 4 day beard and if he'd been wearing sun glasses, it could be CB.
Bottom line, CB is just trying to make you happy by looking like Ryan Gosling so the moustache is your fault.  Thought you'd want to know.
Love - Dad

Parents! YOU ARE NOT HELPING (but you are hilarious).

And, because his fans are chomping at the bit.....here's the growth so far. You're welcome. (please shave).



Happy Wednesday! 




Monday, November 10, 2014

Hands on a Train: The less exciting sequel to Snakes on a Plane

I got on the wrong train today and am slightly off-kilter now. Mainly because I got into a verbal spat (and lost) with a middle-aged woman with a potty mouth. Plus, I’m actually off-kilter because after getting on the wrong train that took me to another city in New Jersey instead of the big city in New York, I got back on a different train that had, conservatively, ONE MILLION PEOPLE riding on the same little train car. And so I legitimately had to practice yoga contortion moves while avoiding a woman who INSISTED on still talking with her hands even though there was no room for hands, oh my god.

Also, she kept knocking me in the stomach with her wave-y hands and I kept pretending like it wasn’t bothering me because I figured she’d stop since you can feel yourself hitting my body, right? But then she didn’t and so then I became insane and started sweating and feeling light-headed and, upon the fifth time being struck by the hand-waver, I said “could you please be careful with your hands?”

Which is unlike me, but, come on. She and her train partner just looked at me and kept talking and THEN SHE HIT ME AGAIN AND I LOST MY MIND.

Me: “Excuse me, could you please watch where your hands go? You keep hitting me.”
Lady: “It’s a crowded train.”
Me: “Right, so maybe you could stop moving your hands so much?”
Lady: “Relax.”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Lady: “Relax.”

I WILL NOT RELAX.

Me: “Please just don’t hit me, if at all possible.”
Lady, saying something in Spanish to her train partner.

Pause. Knocks my stomach again.

Me: “Seriously?”
Lady: “SERIOUSLY?”
Me: “Unreal.”
Lady: “Bitch.”
Random guy to lady: “You need to relax. And keep your hands to yourself.”
Me, to random guy: “Thank you!”

Then we arrived at my stop and the doors opened. And I needed this wave-y woman and her partner to please excuse me (exact words) so I could get through and off this terrible train.

Lady, nudging me as I passed by: “Pinche puta.”

And then the doors closed and I googled it and OH MY GOD, you guys.

We all need to relax.

But I felt vindicated as I walked up the platform stairs and a woman who had apparently been on the train with us said to me “I don’t know how you kept your sh*t together. I would’ve cut her hands off.”

Which, you know, sounds like a logical reaction to someone emoting too furiously with their hands on a crowded train.


Happy Monday from lovely New York City!

Friday, November 7, 2014

Friday Wrapup

Let's get to it!

***

First: A friend was recently diagnosed with a form of Leukemia and it's possible that part of her hopeful treatment plan will be a bone marrow transplant. Turns out that 75 people in the country could be a likely 99% match for her - 75 people!

Her diagnosis is a reminder that many of us are leading wonderfully healthy lives and have the ability to BE the person that could literally save someone else's. As the holidays approach and you begin to wonder, "what could I do to help others?", my friends and I hope that you think of registering in a national database.

It's really simple! You fill out your information, receive a kit in the mail, and take a swab of your cheek.

BOOM, you're a possible lifesaver!

So, while I rarely do this sort of the thing on this blog, I couldn't NOT mention it. This is a platform for laughter and an escape....but how could I be thanking all of you for spreading the word about this blog and watching the readership continue to grow and not use this as an opportunity for you and/or I to be the answer to thousands of people’s hopes and prayers?

Please click here and feel free to pass on to your friends and family! And thanks.

***

So looks like you guys are liking the book blog - for which we basically have my dad to thank because he'll be like "Fine, I'll post another book even though I know you guys are reading stuff (mutteringlazyfamilymuttering)!" But we've been trying to use guilt (on me) as motivation, which I think is just good family dynamics.

Anyway, thanks for the support guys! Click here for this week's book and browse around for all things eclectic!

***



You know one thing I would change about my body? Nothing. Not because I'm perfect, but because I'm using my one option for change for my husband, who has decided to not shave just the moustache part of his face. THIS CANNOT HAPPEN, PEOPLE. Apparently, this has been happening for days, but "you never really notice my face anyway" and so I just picked up on it today.

Me: "Um, you forgot to shave a part of your face."
CB, smiling: "No, that's on purpose. It's Mo-vember."
Me: "No no, not in this house it's not. You have to please go shave before work."
CB, laughing: "Nope. Plus, it bothers you so much."
Me: "You look like a 70s porn star."
CB, looking in the mirror: "Yeah, it's ridiculous, right?"
Me: "You are a grown up! The only people a moustache looks good on is Tom Selleck.....and nobody else."
CB: "True."
Me: "Am I hurting your feelings? I mean, did you like it?"
CB: "Nope, I think it looks ridiculous."
Me: "Then please shave!"
CB, laughing: "I will....at the end of the month."
Me: "We are not celebrating my birthday with your moustache, I'll tell you that right now."
CB, putting on his aviator sunglasses: "Now I look like a 70s tv cop. So cool."
Me: "NOT COOL! Oh my God, I can't believe you're going to work looking like that."

And then he did what I'm guessing is supposed to be some 70s tv cop move and left. So I need my blogging people to help convince CB that this is not funny! For other people, yes, awesome. For him? Like, I can't even look at his face.

Help.

***

So, this is basically what happens in our house on a regular basis. I forwarded this to my parents and CB the other day and said "this could be mom and me." And then we all agreed that my niece needed to be included in that since we're already expecting to have a head scratching circle for the three of us at Christmas, which makes my dad, husband, and sister want to immediately leave the room.

We could definitely invite this coatimundi along, though it seems like he's a little too "all about me." It's a give and take, adorable coatimundi!



***

And now, the Video of the Week.


Happy Friday!

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Final Honeymoon post! (and only two months later)

So, apparently I don’t know how to properly count to five. As I was prepping today’s post, I realized that I mentioned Monday that I’d done three Bali blogs over the last few weeks when, in reality, I’d done four! I rule!

But if – like me – you were unaware of that and missed one, click here, and here, and here and here.

All caught up? Then let’s get to number five!

Just….Bali.

This is a post in pictures. Because that’s the only way I’ll even come close to explaining Bali. The people, the food, the climate, the landscape….it’s all so uniquely….Bali. And we were absolutely blown away and so fortunate to spend 10 days in this little slice of heaven. With Putra. 

The monkeys.

And the baby monkeys.

And feeding Begal tigers...


And adorable elephants.

Did I mention the monkeys?

And random roosters just window shopping. 






And the people.

Especially this guy!

And our home away from home.

And the crazy, no-rules-needed driving.

And this.

And CB's favorite....the food (more the Bintang, if we're being honest)








And this. Especially this. Because guys, that's
my husband's hand! Right there! He was there with me
for all of it! THE BEST! 


Happy Wednesday, everyone! 

Monday, November 3, 2014

Like Gazelles at the Watering Hole

So, as one loyal blog reader pointed out last week, I’ve totally dropped the Bali ball and only told you guys about two of my top five favorite moments from our trip. How dare I.

Let’s get to it! We’re now on #3 of my top five moments.

Never being on a reality show. Stick with me here.

Ok, so this is less about Bali, specifically, and more about just CB and I traveling, being partners in crime, and never making it onto any sort of reality, travel-based show where there’s any sort of compensation for finding your way through foreign lands using obvious clues.

You see, it all started when we got to the airport in Hong Kong, our last layover before hitting Indonesia. All our tired, confused bodies wanted was to get up to the second floor where all of the food courts were. We could see the Golden Arches like an oasis in the desert. Actually, I just wanted to go to the drug store I could see through the glass partitions at the end of the up escalator so I could buy a toothbrush and some toothpaste and no longer offend myself with my own breath. CB wanted a Big Mac.

So we started walking. And walking. And walking.

Until CB was like “Are you sure we should be walking this far?”

Me: “Well I haven’t seen any access to the escalators yet, have you?”
CB: “No, but this feels far.”
Me: “It does. But I think we’re close, there are a lot of people up there.”

So we kept walking. Until finally we were standing right next to a glass partition, watching people go up an escalator.

Eureka!

Me: “Wait….how do we get onto that escalator?”
CB: “Maybe the entrance is around the corner, let’s go.”

Nope.

Me: “Oh! Maybe it’s over there, I see people getting on it over there!”
CB: “Perfect, let's go.”

Nope.

Me: “Ok, we need to ask someone for help.”

Five minutes, three security guards, and a woman sitting at a desk where they take your temperature before you can get onto the plane later, and we’d been told seventeen different answers for “how do we get onto that escalator we can see but can’t access?”

CB: “This can’t be real. There has to be an easy way to get to the second floor! All of those people are up there eating and they were able to figure it out!”
Me: “So what the hell is wrong with us?”
CB: “I don’t know, but this is ridiculous.”
Me: “And we can’t even blame any of it on the language barrier. Everything’s in English.”
CB: “We’re those stupid Americans you’re always hearing about.”
Me: “I literally have no idea how to get upstairs.”

And then, like the parting of the Red Sea, I saw a bunch of people loading onto an elevator and started running towards it yelling “Let’s go! Let’s go!”

Luckily, CB was right behind me, we slid onto the glorious metal miracle just as the doors were closing, and a bunch of airport employees stared at us and shook their heads.

Me: “Going up?”
Airport Employee: “Yes, but you can’t be on this elevator.”
Me: “Why? We just want to get to the food court. And I need to brush my teeth.”
AE: “This is for employees only, sorry. We’re not going to the food court.”

And so, dejectedly, we exited our only hope at processed food and toothpaste and hung our heads in shame.

FINALLY, though, we found an employee who did more than motion vaguely to a different corner of the airport to get rid of us and explained that we had to go through security again before accessing the second floor. Which, to be fair to us, makes zero sense, but whatever. They also randomly took CB’s temperature as he was exiting the moving walkway, so we embraced the notion that things were done differently here.

However, as we ascended towards our goal, CB looked at me and said: “You know, if we were contestants on the Amazing Race, we’d be the first people kicked off.”

Me: “Oh, for sure.”
CB: “Like, I’m not even sure we’d make it to the finish line and they’d have to come find us and lead us there.”
Me: “Absolutely. We have zero instincts when outside of our comfort zone, apparently.”
CB: “But maybe it’s just because we’re so tired?”
Me: “Maybe. But I’m pretty sure that if we were gazelles, we’d be the first ones eaten at the watering hole.”
CB: “Without a doubt.”

And then we high fived and bought some burgers and fries at 9am just to complete the sterotype.


We love you, Hong Kong!

Friday, October 31, 2014

Spoooooooky Friday Wrapup


Ok, not really. This will likely not be spooky at all. But let's get to it!

***

First thing's first: you guys are THE BEST. This little blog has been chugging along for a few years now and the steady increase in readership has been so fun to see - and super humbling. But just in the last month the numbers have gone up by nearly 10,000 hits and that's INSANE, you guys. Thank you. Thank you for sharing this with family and friends, thanks for finding any of what I write even mildly amusing or entertaining, and thanks for all of your emails and sticking with me in the months when I was a terrible blogger because of love and tiredness. Also, CB was totally assuming that nobody was reading anymore:

CB: "That's great that the numbers have grown so much! I assumed they were slipping because you don't get as many comments as you have in the past."
Me: "I still get comments."
CB: "Yeah but not as much. And I figured it was because you have said you'd blog and then you didn't and so people stopped reading."
Me: "Um, apparently my lack of blogging has impacted you quite a bit!"
CB: "I'm just saying - you say you'll post on Tuesday, I check on Tuesday! Your public demands it!"

And then I went into the other room because, obviously.

Anyway, THANK YOU for not being annoyed by me like my husband currently is and sticking with my underpants and me!

***

So we don't have a new book blog post this week BUT! Do not despair. A friend of mine sent me this link earlier in the week with the subject line "Good book." And then she suggested that it be the book of the week.

I couldn't agree more! (FYI: if you have delicate lady ears that don't like the F word, skip this week's special video book.)

Reading Rainbow lives!


***

So while CB and I basically killed it in the pumpkin carving department this year, we aren't doing any costumes. Mainly because our Halloween will consist of eating leftover candy since I bought too much on purpose  by accident, handing some of it out to the kids in our building, and watching last night's Scandal.

But we haven't always been incredibly lame.

Nailed it.
Ok, this wasn't from Halloween. But again: nailed it.
Obviously.
Not Halloween...


Also not Halloween....

Just a random weekday....


Probably Halloween?....

Likely a Tuesday...

Heading off to college.....

CB's version of courtship.

Are you guys dressing up this year?

***

And now, the Video of the Week. Best. Movie. Ever.

Also, GOD the 80s were the best. 





Happy Friday, see you Monday!




Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Carving Pumpkins: An Exercise in Compromise


All I’ve really got to say is that if we end up making kids half as well as we make pumpkins, this world is in for a treat - there was a lot of high-fiving last night over our teamwork. Though it should be noted that I was never in charge of the carving or cleaning out of the pumpkin guts. The non-carving is just good safety and the pumpkin guts thing is less because it feels like you’re ripping out the insides of your own stomach and more because both of our hands wouldn’t fit into the pumpkin and so I didn’t want to slow down the process...is what I told CB.

Also, I was busy monitoring the status of the pumpkin guts bowl balancing on the edge of the table and not saying anything because I didn’t want to be bossy since CB’s hands were elbow-deep in vegetable goo. But all I kept thinking was “the bowl’s gonna fall, the bowl’s gonna fall.” And so then, when the bowl fell, I felt less concerned for our rug and more content that I was right. Which is something I’m working on, I get it.

However, I believe we’ve narrowed in on why, exactly, the bowl fell in the first place. Someone was distracted by a show that he doesn’t care at all about and thinks is too soap oper-y.

Exhibit A.

I will acknowledge, though, the lack of Beyonce anywhere in our apartment for the holiday season and it’s a damn shame. One of you faithful blog readers pointed out via Facebook that, while the pumpkin is delightful, it does not at all resemble Mrs. Carter. But when I broached the subject to CB, he didn’t even let me finish the sentence:

CB: “No.”
Me: “But-“
CB: “Not happening. We’re not carving a Beyonce pumpkin.”
Me: “Well what if next year we get two?”
CB: “That’s fine, but you’re going to have to do all of the carving for your special pumpkin.”

Me, thinking about it.

Me: “Yeah…just one pumpkin is fine. It might be overkill to have her face lit up every night anyway.”

And then a little bit of my soul died for lying straight to my husband’s face. Because Beyonce’s carved image lit up in our apartment every night is basically my dream come true. So I guess this is what they mean when they say marriage is hard work.

Happy Wednesday, everyone! Did you carve your pumpkins yet??



Monday, October 27, 2014

Conversations from Cohabitation

The other morning as we were both waking up, I commented to CB on how sweet he’d been in the middle of the night.

Me: “You were feeling all lovey randomly in the middle of the night, eh?”
CB: “You know me!”
Me: “It was great! I told you to stop snoring and you responded by telling me that you love me. It was such a nice surprise!
CB: “Wait, what?”
Me, laughing: “You don’t remember saying that last night?”
CB: “No, I remember….but I thought you said ‘I love you.’ So I was surprised and happy that you were randomly being loving in the middle of the night, since you’re usually just telling me to stop snoring and roll over.”
Me: “Which is what I was doing.”
CB: “Oh man! I thought you said ‘I love you!’”
Me: “Nope, I said ‘Stop snoring!’ and then you said ‘I love you’ and I said ‘I love you too’.”
CB, laughing: “Yeah, I thought it was strange that you responded like that, but figured you just wanted to double it up.”
Me, laughing: “Well, you stopped snoring and we said ‘I love you.’ Could’ve been worse.”
CB: “Or it could’ve been better! You could’ve actually said ‘I love you’ and let me be with the snoring.”
Me: “Well we both know that that’s not happening, so let’s take it where we can get it.”

***

While telling CB about the cute waiter at dinner the other night, I attempted to pay him a compliment. And failed.

Me: “He actually sort of looked like you! Dark hair, tall….except he was skinny.”
CB, mouth open: “Did you just call me fat?”
Me, laughing: “No! No! I didn’t mean it that way. I just meant that he’s got that, like, skinny build.”
CB: “As opposed to my fat build?”
Me: “Oh my God, it’s like talking to me. No! If anything, he was too skinny and you’re just right!”
CB: “That’s what you say to fat people.”
Me: “No, that’s what you say to people who are built just right. Like you. Oh my God, I swear I meant it as a compliment!”
CB, laughing: “So basically the waiter was younger and thinner than me. That’s the moral of this story.”
Me: “Well, yes…….but I didn’t say that those things made him better than you. You just assumed.”
CB: “Right, because older and fatter is what every girl wants.”
Me: “Oh my God, not fatter. You’re fit and trim!”
CB, laughing and mocking me now: “No, no, that’s fine. Your fat, old husband will just be over here folding your laundry while you go drink fancy wine with younger and thinner me.”
Me: “Wow, this marriage is really working out to my advantage!”
CB: “We didn’t even make it to the end of the year.”
Me: “But we gave it a valiant effort.”


Happy Monday!

Friday, October 24, 2014

Friday Wrapup

Let's get to it!

***
The other day, I sent CB an email with the subject line: BREAKING NEWS. And then I wrote this:

Um, the breaking news is three or four-fold: 

1. There is a Beyonce pumpkin. Have we come up with our idea for this year? OMG. 
2. While googling said Beyonce pumpkin images, I came across a cute cat pumpkin. Perhaps that's our idea for the year? (see attached)
3. I read an article and didn't know most of who anyone was, nor could I identify them in the photo. I felt old and didn't even care. The people were: Iggy Azalea, Wiz Khalifa, and Calum Hood. I mean, I know who two of the three of those people are, but couldn't pick them out of a lineup or know if they were sitting in the cubicle next to me. Also, why does everyone have a made up name, now? Were there just too many John and Jane's in the world and not enough Iggy's and Wiz's? These are the things I think about when reading about pop culture these days. 
4. You married a one hundred year old. 

And then I included this picture as an attachment. 

His response?

We can make what ever kind of pumpkin you want... except Beyonce. 

His brievity and willingness to deal with me are just two of the many reasons why I married him. 

***

Ok, so speaking of Halloween, it's only one week away, you guys. And while typically animals dressed as humans is one of my lesser favorite things, this made me endlessly laugh. We all have a lot of time on our hands.


***

Finally, a review for "Gone Girl." OHMYGOD. Click here.

***

And now, the Video of the Week.

This makes me a mean wife, but this morning I was asking CB what the video should be this week, and while he made the "hmm, let me think about that" face, he never gave me a response. Then, 10 minutes later, we saw something about the new "Between Two Ferns" video (click here to watch) and he was like "Oh, you could make that the video of the week."

Me: "The video of the week is always music."
CB: "Right, but you put other videos on there all the time."
Me: "Yeah, but that's just because it's the Friday Wrapup. The Video of the Week has to be music."
CB: "It's your blog, you can make it anything you want."

Not helpful. So, the part of this that makes me a mean wife is that I'm picking a video for a song that drives CB crazy. That'll teach him not to come up with something better! (seriously, why am I mean?) Also, it's SO catchy. I hate myself. And now, so does CB.

Happy Friday!



Thursday, October 23, 2014

In Which I Get Flirted With and Drink Really Old Wine: You tell me which is cooler.

So, I totally got hit on this weekend, you guys, and immediately told CB about it upon getting home. Which I think is a normal story to tell your husband, right? And he was like “look at you! Still got it!” Which I’m pretty sure is what you say to old people, so, you know, moment over.

But whatever, it was a moment in time and I was so thrilled that I’d actually noticed it before it was over that it totally made my night. Well, that, and the fact that by the end of the evening I had a 65 year old distinguished physician asking our 30 year old waiter to bring tequila shots over to our table.

Anyway, so over the weekend I was invited to an incredibly upscale dinner while on my business trip, and so I put on the only dress and heels I brought with me and suited up with my Professional Becky face. Which included applying a lipstick roughly the same shade as my lips and stabbing myself accidentally in the eyeball twice while applying mascara, which  I got nervous would made me late because I couldn’t open my eye for a few minutes because it burned from the stabbing, and then I was rubbing my eye so much that I had to re-apply everything.

I know, I know.

So I walked into the dimly lit dining room, illuminated only by candles and the city lights from outside, and immediately started to panic-sweat. Everyone was fancy and distinguished and holding a glass of champagne while talking about Proust and the economy.

Ok, I made that last part up. I have no idea what they were talking about because I was too focused on the fact that a handsome young waiter was handing me pink champagne that tasted like alcoholic candy and I got distracted by continually pretending to be dainty and restrained when being offered hors d'oeuvres.

Anyway, I made it through the first hour without revealing too much of my personality, so things were going swimmingly. But then we were asked to take our seats and I noticed that each place setting had five different wine glasses set up in a row and I was like “Wait….are we playing a fancier version of beer pong tonight? What is happening?” Thankfully, that thought stayed inside my head. However, the woman who sat down beside me said “Are all of these glasses for us? I’m a light-weight, I may not make it.” And so I immediately exhaled that my kindred spirit had found her place next to me and relaxed into my chair.  

Cut to: 15 minutes later when the waiter was asking if there were any specific allergies of which he should be aware.

Me: “Um, I’m allergic to red wine, unfortunately.”
Tablemates: “Oh no! What happens?”
Me: “Well, first I get kind of red. Then my joints get all sore and my hands start to swell up. And then, if I plow right through those signs, I’ll get sick.”
TMs: “That’s awful!”
Me: “It really is because red wine is delicious.”
Waiter: “Well I’ll be sure to substitute a nice white wine for each course where we’re serving red to the rest of the table.”
Me: “Ok, so two things: one, all of these glasses are for me right here?”

He nodded.

Me, continuing: “Ok, so the second thing is that I know nothing about wine, so honestly? Don’t worry about me. You could bring me the exact same wine for each course, tell me it was something different than what I just tasted, and I’d be like ‘oh, this is good!’ and keep eating my tiny meal. I promise, so don’t worry about me.”
Waiter, laughing: “No, no, it’ll be my pleasure. I’ll be sure to pair a great wine for you with each course.”
Me: “Ok, but all I’m saying is that you may be really disappointed when you’re telling me all about the different notes in the wine and all I can tell is that it’s sweet, tastes like wine, and I like it.”
Waiter, laughing: “No, I’m going to enjoy introducing you to various wines, whether you notice the differences or not!”

Cut to: an hour later, my table mates were like “Um, have you noticed that he’s going into the giant wine cellar over there every time we have a different course and is hand-picking wine for you? He’s opening bottles JUST for you.”

No, actually, I hadn’t noticed because I was too busy trying to figure out how they cut the mushrooms in the first course so finely and why I had a tiny fork in front of me that looked like something a doll would use in a fake tea party.

Me: “Oh really? No, I hadn’t noticed.”
TMs: “Yeah. And he’s spending an awful lot of time talking to you about wine, food, and Iowa. I think he’s got a little crush.”

Sidebar: The Iowa part isn’t weird, you guys. I mentioned being from the Midwest and he is from Iowa and so we bonded. Until he referred to the Midwest as the “Midbest” and I shook my head and said “Yeah, don’t ever say that again, please.”

However, I had noticed that he would circle back around in between courses and “top off” my glass. And once I looked up while he was double-pouring and he winked at me.

WAIT: I think this is what my friends and family refer to as being flirted with, which I totally miss ALL OF THE TIME because I’m too busy figuring out the use for tiny forks! So I got excited that I noticed the winking and the extra wine and the lingering at the table to talk about oak barrels vs steel barrels…..

….but then I was like “nah, this is just his job. And I’m one of the only people in this whole room talking above a whisper, so I’m just making his night at work a little less dull.”

So I put all of the potential flirt-signs aside and continued to enjoy food I didn’t recognize. But THEN he brought out the last wine of the evening.

Waiter: “So, this is a really special wine. I was going to bring you champagne for this course, and am happy to if you don’t like it, so just let me know.”
Me: “Oooh, I do love me some champagne...”
Waiter, holding the bottle up for me to see: “But this is a white wine that has been aging since 1983.”
Me: “Wait. 1983?”
Waiter, laughing: “Yeah, which is funny because this wine is a year older than I am.”
FAIL, cute waiter, FAIL.

Me: “Um, Johnny, are you saying that to make me feel bad? Because it’s working. You were born in 1984??”
Johnny, laughing: “No, no, I’m saying it because it’s embarrassing for ME! Besides, you couldn’t be too far behind….”

Dear Johnny,
When you were born, I already
knew how to tap dance. And kill it
in suspenders. Love, Becky
Oh, Johnny.

Me: “That’s not even a funny joke. Make your way into the ‘70s and we’ll be getting warmer.”
Johnny, laughing and pouring: “Well, I would never have known…….”

Awkward silence because I was staring at the red wine coming out of the older-than-my-waiter bottle.

Me: “Um, Johnny, why are you trying to kill me with red wine?”
Johnny, laughing: “I knew you were going to say that, but that’s what’s so cool about this wine! It’s been aged so long that it’s a white wine with a red color. I promise. It’s white wine. Just try it, there are hints of caramel in there that I thought you might enjoy.”
Me: “Well yes, because caramel is delicious.”

And then I tried it, loved it, and high-fived the 30 year old waiter.

Johnny: “I knew it!”
Tablemates: “Wait, what wine were we going to get? We want to taste that one, too!”

And so Johnny made his way around the table with my special, old (younger than me) wine and we all toasted:

TM: “To the fun table!”
The rest of us: “To the fun table!”
65 year old TM: “Hey Johnny, do you have any tequila shots back there?”
Me: “Oooh no, I have to work in the morning, no tequila or shots for me.”

Um, can we all take a moment to shudder that I was the voice of reason here?

Anyway, we made it through dinner without doing shots and, while simultaneously feeling warm from the wine and the winking, I went to get my coat to leave. Which is  when I ran into Johnny.

He came over and shook my hand, lingering and holding it:

Johnny: “It was such a pleasure to meet you, thank you so much.”
Me: “Me?! Thank YOU! That was incredible. Everything was delicious and the special wines were so cool, I really enjoyed myself!”
Johnny: “When do you leave for New York?”
Me: “Tomorrow evening after work.”
Johnny: “Oh, that’s too bad, there are some great places in the city I wanted to show you.”

Um, Johnny? I was born in the 70s and have a husband. See my rings? No, of course you don’t because you’re blinded by my timeless beauty. Obviously.

And so, of course, I couldn’t wait to share all of this with CB because he has a hot commodity (to one) wife. But after telling me that I still got it while brushing his teeth, he was like “Also, how cool is it that you got to drink wine that was that old?? That is so cool, Beck!” and I was like “Right? Because the waiter liked me.” And he was like “blah blah blah old wine blah blah.”

Me: “Um, you seem to be distracted by the wrong part of the story.”
CB, laughing: “Yes, you’re hot, the waiter loved you, he was cute and you had a blast. But you got to drink REALLY rare wine! Wait until my mom and sister hear about that.”
Me: “You skipped right over the flirty parts and got right down to the alcohol.”
CB: “This is why we work.”


Happy Thursday!

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

I'll be putting CB on a mug. You're welcome.

So, last night we went out to dinner with some friends/former colleagues and decided to order anything that lit up.

Case in point. 


Also, the subject of this here blog came up, and our friend Denise said “You know, you should have merchandise. Like, a picture of you wearing a Friendapalooza shirt on a mug or something. People would totally buy that.”

Me: “Um, who would want to buy that?”
D: “People! You have fans!”
Me: “Yeah, but that sounds like a lot of work. I mean, I didn’t even blog today, I have a hard enough time keeping up with that.”
CB: “By the way, speaking of your fans, they’re going to be maaaaaad at you.”
Me: “Wait, why??”
CB: “Because last week you said that though you were traveling for work and wouldn’t post on Monday, you PROMISED to post Tuesday.”
Me: “I totally suck. I didn’t post.”
CB: “I know. So all of your mug-buying fans will be writing you hate mail.”
Me: “I deserve it.”

Silence, sipping the glowing drink.

D: “Anyway, so I think you should have merchandise like the Bloggess does.”
Me: “Um, I am nowhere near the Bloggess. She’s hilarious.”
D: “She is. But YOU’RE hilarious too!”
Me: “And should have a mug to prove it?”
D: “Yep.”
Me: “Maybe we should put CB on it. He’s very popular with my readers, they love them some CB.”
CB: “What’s not to love?”
D: “Perfect! A CB mug! And it could be, like, the back of his head since you never show his face, with a CB quote on the front or something.”
CB: “Genius.”
Me: “Um, I think you guys are more into this than is maybe normal?”
D: “No way, your people want CB mugs!”

So, you know, I’m sorry that I’m not giving you guys the obvious merch you’ve been dying to buy. I’m a terrible blogger, and not just because I didn’t write yesterday. I’m so sorry! I’m a monster!

However, to make up for it, I’ll blog tomorrow and, as usual, on Friday. And if I don’t for some reason, it’s because I’m busy designing mugs.


Happy Wednesday!