Friday, February 12, 2016

Friday Wrapup

Let's get to it!

***

This week's book "Red Notice" by Bill Browder. I want to read this one for sure, and it definitely sounds like one that CB will like, too. Definitely check it out here and thanks for all of the love you've been giving the book blog - that thing is chugging right along and looks like people are visiting it without needing me anymore! Fun! A nation of readers. That's my goal. Like Oprah, but less-rich.

ALSO, so that my dad doesn't always have to do all of the heavy lifting, I'm going to wrap up the book I'm reading this weekend called "Big Magic" by Elizabeth Gilbert and post on that one for next week!

***

It's Valentine's Day Weekend and, if you're like me, that means that you've been planning for weeks. If you're not like me, that probably means that you roll your eyes at people like me and I totally understand.

Also, not only do I buy holiday-themed hats for my daughter and then plan in-the-apartment photo shoots with her a few weeks in advance of the hat-wearing holidays, I also pre-plan my own outfits, when appropriate. I have two glitter heart sweaters/shirts that will be worn tomorrow and Sunday in honor of love. And I'm guessing CB has been planning his heart-themed outfits as well, so I'm super excited for those big reveals! (will totally take photos).

***

And now, the Video of the Week, in honor of CB, who sees every part and at least tolerates the more annoying/glittery ones. Happy Valentine's Weekend, everyone!


Thursday, February 11, 2016

Love and conversations

Remember when I used to blog all the time? Those were the days. If it helps, I think about blogging all the time.

Which is why I’m posting a Valentine’s Day blog I wrote a few years ago, since it’s better to re-post than not post at all!

Oh, also, CB and I had this very romantic conversation the other night after we were both getting over a stomach virus that made us grateful that we have two bathrooms.

Me: “Can you imagine living back in Little House on the Prairie days and having diarrhea?”
CB: “What?”
Me: “Or having to puke your brains out and you only have an outhouse? And Laura Ingalls had a lot of siblings, so the likelihood that there’d be someone else in the outhouse when you wanted to throw up or go to the bathroom was probably high. And you’d have to run outside just to go to the outhouse in the first place!”
CB: “I don’t remember the set-up on Little House on the Prairie.”
Me: “The outhouse was, like, across the way. It wasn’t right next to the house or anything.”

Silence.

Me: “Plus, look at how quickly this thing spread between us. Now imagine if there were five other people living here – and one outhouse!”
CB: “Why are we talking about this?”
Me: “Because every time I’m sick, I think about Little House on the Prairie.”
CB: “That’s normal.”

Silence.

CB: “They could just go puke in the woods.”
Me: “Oh my God, there weren’t any woods – it was a prairie!”
CB: “I still don’t know why we’re talking about this.”


***


I love love. I also happen to love Valentine’s Day, which opens me up to ridicule every single year from beloved friends and family who totally don’t know how to get on board with celebrating every holiday to the max.

Courtney: I don’t understand why on earth you like this made-up holiday.
Me: I love love and I’m impervious to your judgment.
Me: It’s Valentine’s Day Week!
CB: Seriously? You’ve turned the one day into an entire week?
Me: Um yes. Have we met? This is how I roll. I love love.
  
However, I think maybe I’m doing love wrong? Because I just read an article where nearly every single “tip” about how to romance it up on Valentine’s Day left me realizing that either CB has gotten the tremendously short end of the stick, or people who write love tip articles have closed head injuries.

You be the judge.

1. Do things in a big wayCraig liked doing things in a big way. He was a dramatic and loud (though lovable) kind of guy. Mary, on the other hand, was proper and quiet (and just as lovable). Craig sometimes criticized Mary for not being expressive or outrageous enough. Until . . . one day when Craig returned home from a business trip and was greeted by Mary and two hundred forty-three members of the local high school marching band on their front lawn.

"I can help you bring in the noise,
the funk....and the sweet, sweet lovin'."
Ok, a couple points to be made here. One, I appreciate the writer drawing me in by giving names to this couple. Right away, I totally understand who Craig and Mary are, though I doubt she’s quite as lovable as he is. However, I’m unclear about just who would consider John Philip Sousa marches romantic. Nonetheless, I can appreciate the gesture that Mary is making here, and for that, she receives one point. 

However, if I came home to a two hundred and forty-three member marching band in CB’s studio apartment, a few things would happen: 1, I’d immediately begin worrying for CB’s safety and wonder where he was, since he would likely be crushed by the tuba player who was layered up on top of the trombonist because his apartment is approximately 400 square feet. 2, I’d wonder where CB met a high school marching band in his free time and would perhaps have to begin a conversation about hobbies.  Either way, romance lost, moment ruined.

Moving on.

2Go through revolving doors together.

I basically just skipped right over this one because it’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. But let’s play this one out, just for kicks.

First of all, shoving yourself into a revolving door with your partner isn’t romantic. It’s mildly terrifying and probably a fire hazard. Also, you’d be so busy giving each other footing orders on how to properly make it through this moment alive and without face planting into the glass, that you’d totally forget that you were supposed to be sharing a romantic moment altogether.

Uh, and don’t even try to give each other a peck or anything. That’s just asking for a Bridget Jones moment, and you’re probably not even getting to kiss Colin Firth. Not worth it.


3. Practice "Even-Day/Odd-Day" Romance: On even days it's your turn to be romantic, and on odd days it's your partner's turn.

Yeah, I’m just going to go ahead and say that this sounds way too close to a math story problem for me, and so I’d have to skip the love all around. Also, what if one of you was sick on your even/odd day? Does the other person take over romance duties? What if you’re too sick for romance? And then do you double-up? And then when do you decide who’s day it is after you’ve each done double-duty after you got over pneumonia?

It’s very complicated, gives me anxiety, and also sounds like something unsustainable – like dieting. Again, romance lost, no love for CB. 

4. Want to jazz up the presentation of a special meal? Buy a little hunk of dry ice from a local ice house. Put it in a bowl of water and place it on your serving tray. You'll create wondrous, billowing white clouds!

Oh sweet Lord, please don’t “jazz up” my food. I’m barely able to wait for us to both be served before diving in as it is because I’m like a bear who’s been hibernating all winter. Also, if there was weird, billow-y smoke coming from the serving tray I didn’t know we owned, I’d probably worry that it was on fire, run to get the fire extinguisher, and put out the fake romance fire. Thus, ruining the entire meal altogether. And, most likely, the romance. Because that foam-y extinguisher stuff is hard to get out of the carpet, and I hate a mess. 

Truth. 

5. Dress up for dinner at home. Tuxedo for him, evening gown for her.

This could work for CB if he wasn’t dating a Golden Girl. The first order of business when I walk through the door is to immediately take my clothes off, and not in a romantic, Victoria’s Secret-type way, either. I’m like “Ugh, I need my house pants, stat!” while CB sits there and counts all the ways he can’t believe he got so lucky.

Also, CB is bringing the perfect amount of romance on Thursday by taking me out to dinner, and so I made sure to really class up the moment by asking him if I had to wear a skirt, which then caused me anxiety over clothing options. So, let’s just go ahead and assume I don’t own an evening gown, m’kay?


6. Hire a pianist to play during a romantic dinner at home.

Please don’t do this. First of all, not only will you have to hire a pianist, but you’ll have to ask him to bring his own piano, and then it just gets weird for all parties involved.

Also, let’s think this through. While it might be quaint for a few minutes, it’d get weird REAL fast. I mean, not only is there a stranger playing music in your living room, but he’s sitting there while you try to have a romantic meal? I sort of picture it feeling similar to when someone has a guitar and takes it out to play for you, but then the song lasts a little too long and then you’re not sure how much longer you can hold an interested smile before giving them the subliminal message that it’s gotten weird in an uncomfortable way.

I mean, I’d be good for two or three short diddy’s TOPS, and then I’d be like “So no, for real, is this guy staying through dessert? Because I’d really like to put my house pants on sometime soon so I can let the pasta expand and get ready for the chocolate.” 

7. Learn calligraphy so you can create incredible love letters for him/her.

Case in point. 
Question: can anyone ever actually read calligraphy? I thought that this was just something we all thought was pretty, like Sofia Vergara, but didn't actually understand. Am I alone here? Because I can’t tell you the last time I understood anything written on the Bill of Rights. I mean, for as long as it took them to put that thing together, you’d think it’d be easier to read!  

Also, this would go hand-in-hand with the hobby conversation from Romance Item #1 above. If CB has enough time to learn calligraphy, perhaps he has enough time to think of something not lame to show his affection. 


8. Give her one Hershey's Kiss. Give her one thousand Hershey's KissesRemove all the little paper strips (that say "Kisses" on them) from a couple hundred Hershey's Kisses. Fill a little jewelry box with them. Wrap 'em up and present them to her. Write a clever certificate explaining that the little paper slips are coupons.

After throwing up a little in my mouth, I really thought this one through and realized that it might be the worst romance tip yet. First of all, giving someone one thousand Hersey’s Kisses pieces of paper is like the love equivalent of when people put those sparkle bombs in the party envelopes, and so when you open your mail, there’s, like, one billion pieces of glitter all over your rug.

Also, please don’t give me paper you ripped off of chocolate candy. Just give me the candy. Are you new here? 

9. Select a theme for the weekend based on a type of movie. (It could be a film genre, like westerns, science fiction or musicals; or it could be based on a favorite actor or character in a movie.) Rent three movies that match the theme and then: Rent costumes that match the theme! Exercise your creativity and sense of fun with a little fantasy!

Don’t do this. Also, if someone ever made me act out a science fiction or western, I’d probably break up with them over the mere fact that we clearly have no common interests.

However, I will admit that I played this one out in my head, just for laughs, to see if it’d actually work. 

For example, letting me watch “When Harry Met Sally” and then taking me to Washington Square Park while I wear long khaki shorts and a blue cardigan could be fun. And also not outside of my normal wardrobe.

However, it’d probably have to end there, because otherwise we’d just be walking all over New York City while CB says stuff like “Pecan piiiiiiiiiiiiie” and I’m really annoying when we order food. And then we’d both get tired of it after about 15 minutes, realize we were all the way in the city anyway, head over to Beth and Matt’s to hang out and play Cranium, and call it a day. Romance lost, moment ruined.


10. Buy an extra bag of Valentine Conversation Heart candies and save them for use six months later.

And then after you do that, call your dentist because you will break all of your teeth. For real. Have you eaten a candy heart on a normal day? Those things are challenging. Leave ‘em in a bag for 6 months and you better have the oral surgeon on speed dial.

I’m just saying.

***

So perhaps it’s just me, but I need to hazard a guess that I’m not the only one who thinks some time alone with someone you love and some dessert thrown in there for good measure is really all a person needs in life. No?

But you tell me. What are you all doing for the day that love calls home? 

Friday, February 5, 2016

Friday Wrapup

Let's get to it!

***

This is about ten minutes long, but since it's Friday, I figured you have the time.

Oh, and also, if you hate Coldplay and/or Chris Martin, maybe skip this entire Wrapup?




***

This week's book is...what's that? None of us blogged? That's correct. BUT, we've blogged before, so check it out here for some great reviews and great reads! 

***

Ok so as I mentioned earlier, this is a Coldplay-centric post because I'm SOOOO EXCITED. No, not about the Superbowl (well, I'm excited for the football cupcakes I'm gonna make, but that's not really the point). I mean, I'm excited for the halftime show because I unabashedly love Coldplay AND nothing says football like a bunch of Brits singing emo-ish music. BUT BEYONCE WILL BE THERE. Which is amazing. Anyway. 

CB is a genius and bought us tickets to see Coldplay for the first time this summer. And then he rendered me unable to work for the rest of the day when he was like "Hey, maybe they'll have a special guest since this is their only show in NYC." And I was like "Oh my God, what' if it's Beyonce?!" (she sings on the new album with him). And then I lost my mind. 

It's also possible that I told my boss yesterday about the concert (IN JULY. I have no life.) and warned him that, if Beyonce does appear, I won't come to work that next Monday because I will have died of happiness. To which he was like "I don't understand the obsession with Beyonce. My daughter loves her, too." (she's 17.). And then he continued talking about music and referred to "The Mumford Brothers." To which I told him that's why he doesn't understand Beyonce. 

Anyway.

Here's a track off of their new album, which I'm obsessively listening to/dancing to in preparation for knowing every word and getting on the Jumbotron five months from now. Might I remind you I'm someone's mom? Poor thing. 



Happy Friday!

Friday, January 29, 2016

Friday Wrapup

Let's get to it!

***
This week's book is "The Oregon Trail" by Rinker Buck.  Um, does anyone else remember playing this game in elementary school? I loooooved this game. But I was always so bummed out when one of my horses would die and then my family would start to die off because we got some weird Old Timey disease that's probably coming back soon because we don't vaccinate our kids anymore.

But, then again, I loved dressing up in old-timey clothes every chance I got. And in my mind, I was wearing these outfits while playing The Oregon Trail during indoor recess:










CB also got in on the fun. We were destined to be old together.




Anyway, check out the blog here! Plus, my dad totally calls out CB, who's a reading machine and NEEDS TO BLOG MORE. ("Hi, pot? It's kettle. You're black." I know, I know.) 

***

I've been sick all month. Like, I usually exaggerate for effect and stuff, but this is no exaggeration. AND SO, I've been watching a lot of "Keeping Up With the Kardashians." I'm not saying I'm proud of this, I'm just giving you a glimpse into my world when I'm on antibiotics and feverish.

I may have also tried giving myself cheekbones - ala Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe - and ended up looking sort of like someone smeared mud on my face and walked away.

Anyway.

While I was watching the other day, CB found himself in the unlucky position of being in the room.

And then we had this conversation:

Me: "Which one do you think is the prettiest?"
CB, without hesitation: "The short one."
Me: "Kourtney?"
CB: "Sure."

Silence.

Me: "Do you think Kim is good looking?"
CB: "Eh, I mean, she's attractive, but she has this reputation of being smoking hot and I don't get it. I mean, maybe back ten years ago it was novel or something, but she's nothing like everyone makes her out to be. There are girls way better looking than her."

Silence.

CB: "I mean, you - "

Now let me stop you guys right here, before I share the rest of this conversation. As CB was talking, he was gesturing towards me and immediately in my mind I was like 'Oh my God, he's about to say that I'm prettier than Kim Kardashian.' Which is not, like, my goal in life. BUT it was a moment of feeling all mushy towards CB because he's so clearly blinded by love that he may possibly find his wife more attractive than a woman who broke the internet by showing the world her butt.

Ok, let's continue:

CB: "I mean, you pass women who are much better looking than her every day in the city on your way to and from work."
Me: "Um, I hate you."
CB: "What?"
Me: "I actually thought you were about to say that I was prettier, in your eyes. But then you said that I pass prettier people than her everyday. Which is true, don't get me wrong! But I actually just had the fastest love/hate relationship with you of all time."
CB, laughing: "Well of course you're-"
Me: "NOPE! Don't even try, the moment has passed. I'm not mad, I agree with you! But it was funny how quickly my narcissistic mind went from you thinking I'm prettier than Kim Kardashian to being like 'ooooooooooooooooooooooh that's not even close to what he's saying'."
CB, still laughing: "Oh man, somehow I can still get in trouble without even saying I think Kim Kardashian is hot! Incredible."
Me: "Yes, incredible."

***

And now, the Video of the Week.

I love Sara Bareilles, this is not news. Earlier this week, I actually had a "Becky Confrontation" with someone I see all the time (it's sort of "confrontation-lite", if you will, since I HATE confrontation but have been standing up for myself/surprisingly vocal lately. CB calls it "Mama Bear Becky.")  and then this morning I heard this song. And it seemed fitting! So, enjoy! Happy Friday!




Thursday, January 28, 2016

Reduce, Reuse, Reboring.

I need to make a confession: I’m a lazy recycler. I know that this is an unpopular stance, but honestly, if CB didn’t do all of the recycling for us, I’d likely do very little (read: probably none?) It’s a weird part of my personality that I don’t really understand, but I’ve always been a lazy recycler and I’ve done next to nothing to fix that, admittedly. But I blame CB because he’s created a spoiled, lazy, non-recycling monster by always doing it.

Annoyingly, though, like, all of our friends are super-recyclers and it comes up more often than you’d think. Which makes us sound insanely boring but my guess is that everyone just wants to be part of Leonardo DiCaprio’s Green Squad or something and so they separate their plastic from their cardboard.

Anyway. So CB has set up this little recycling area in our front closet – one little bin for our bottles and cans/plastics, I think, and another for our cardboard, paper, etc. He separates it and then puts it in our recycling room which, I should add, is on our floor, across the hall, so that shows you JUST how lazy I am. I’ve almost never actually used our recycling room.

Except one time, just after the room had been “revamped” and there were shelves and labels for different things to be placed in different areas. So I put a box in there (no, I didn’t break it down or anything) and left. A few hours later, CB went to recycle some stuff and came back and said “They re-did the recycling room with nice signs and shelves and everything!” (See? We’re losers.) And I was like “Oh yeah, I saw that!” and then he was like “But it’s annoying because someone has already just thrown a box in there, not even paying attention to the signs!”

To which I was like “Um, yeah, that was definitely me.” And then he talked to me for a few minutes about what was wrong with me and I nodded until he realized it was all wasted time he’d never get back.

Well, yesterday, as CB was yet again recycling (seriously, dude, get a hobby), we had this exchange:

CB: “Um, Beck?”
Me: “Yeah?”
CB: “You do know that the recycling bag is actually a bag and not a shelf where you just sort of place your recycling stuff on top of it…right?”
Me: “Ooooh, that’s a bag. I was confused.”
CB, laughing: “I figured because that’s the only logical explanation for why you don’t simply open the bag and place the recycling inside of it.”
Me: “Yep, that’s the only logical explanation!”

And then I walked over to the closet in front of which he was standing.

CB, pointing to the bag: “See? This is a bag. You just open it up and place everything inside. It’s how bags work.”
Me: “Ooooh. That makes total sense now!”
CB, laughing and shaking his head: “You’re a piece of work.”
Me: “Actually, to be fair, you should really be thanking me.”
CB: “Oh yeah?”
Me: “Yeah. Remember a few weeks ago when you told me that I shouldn’t be putting the paper with  the plastic all in the same bin, and then showed me the bag where the cardboard and paper should go? Well I listened and I’m not putting them all together anymore.”
CB: “You’re right, you’ve made a very small step in the right direction. Now if you could just comprehend the concept of a bag versus a shelf, I’ll never mention it again.”
Me: “I’ll work on it, probably.”

I see no problem. 



Happy Thursday! 

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Conversations from Cohabitation: We Are Officially Gross

(It should be noted that this post in no way reflects the fact that today is the birthday of both my mom and my niece, two incredible people who I'm lucky to know. Happy birthday!)

***

CB and I have devolved into completely disgusting human beings. Every morning, he sends me pictures as he gets her ready for drop-off. This morning, as I was kissing her goodbye, I could....smell something. I was like "Oh! You left your dad a gift! Good timing! Bye!" and then ran out yelling "she needs a clean diaper!"

Because I'm a good wife and CB is so grateful for every day with me.

So about an hour later, he sent me the regular pictures and then the following text exchange happened:





Then he sent the picture, which I am not sharing because I do have some decorum. More for future-daughter than anything. 




Happy Wednesday!

Friday, January 15, 2016

Friday Wrapup

Let's get to it!

***

You guys. I've been MIA lately for a few reasons. The main reason is because, about a week and a half ago, an urgent care doctor stuck a skinny, long Q-tip up my nose and wiggled it around on my sinuses until my eyes watered and then told me I had the flu. And then I didn't move for about 4 days, spent 3 days after that sort of feeling more human, and then finally came back to work this week. Also, what my parents have called my "flare for the dramatic" may have come out during this time because I told CB that, in my fevered, achy state, I actually wondered if this is what dying feels like. Because I thought I was dying of the flu. Because I'm just like my daughter, who flings herself backwards in excitement/anger/frustration/glee/exhaustion because she got my flare.

CB is so lucky.

ANYWAY, between that and balancing what has turned out to be a great, but busy and exhausting, new work/life schedule...well, I suck at blogging. However, I'll attempt to get back to some sort of normal routine next week, which guarantees that I may or may not blog. Exciting! The fact that you guys are still visiting the site in my absence warms my heart and also tells me that there's little quality entertainment out there these days.

***

No book review this week but maybe next week? We need to peer-pressure CB. He's been a reading machine after I go to bed at 8:17pm each night.

***

I took a picture on the train today of a guy with a man-bun.



The reason I creepily took this picture is multi-layered:

1. Man-buns both intrigue and anger me.
2. This guy legit looked like he was maybe doing a photo shoot with someone who had an invisible camera? Not like he was acting like he was posing, I think he just....is. Like, he's SO good looking that he just always kind of looks like someone who should be having his photo taken.
3. I stared at him through the veil of fake-playing Solitaire on my phone and thought a lot about his attractiveness. Because he was, without question, incredibly handsome. Attractive. Had bone structure to die for. HOWEVER. I decided that he actually was so attractive that I wasn't attracted to him.

Let me explain.

Part of it may be a deep-seated insecurity on my part. OR an incredible self-awareness. Because I fully embrace the cast system when it comes to dating and mating. You have to date and mate with your kind, people. It's just the truth.

Have you ever seen a couple and you kind of look over at your friend and you do the one eyebrow and you're like "what gives?" And your friend's like "I know, right?" Because both people in that couple are dating above or below their level. I KNOW IT'S CONTROVERSIAL. But that's why you come to this blog.

Your level can be fluid, and 1 or 2 above and below at any time makes total sense, because people change. Like, you may get into slightly better shape than you were when you met, but it doesn't automatically jump you from a 6 to a 10. AT BEST it typically jumps you from a 6 to an 8. And this is coming from a steady 6, you guys. CB was this close to marrying down until I upped my game.

Also, I'm confident enough in my place in this world to know that I'd never feel comfortable naked in front of this man. He likely doesn't have "house pants," and if he does, they're definitely on-label. He probably also wouldn't embrace my Michigan State t-shirt with the growing hole in the armpit that I wear a little too liberally on weekends, where you can see the front and back of part of my bra. And not in a sexy way.

I'm also confident enough in my place in this world to know that this man-bun would never feel comfortable with me naked in front of him, either. And that's OK. He didn't belong on this train. He belonged on a sound-stage with a fake train set where he pretended to be just another guy in the city who didn't realize he was falling in love with his "dorky" best friend who was stunningly beautiful yet we were all "fooled" because she wore glasses until the makeover montage.

Anyway. This is what I did on the train today. Perhaps I still have a fever?


***

And now, the Video of the Week.

This movie, and specifically this soundtrack, has lots of sentimental meaning to me, and it seemed appropriate on this Friday. PLUS, I didn't even realize it until JUST NOW, but it's totally telling you to do the exact opposite of what we just discussed. CONTROVERSY!



Happy Friday, you guys! 

Friday, December 18, 2015

Friday Wrapup

Let's get to it!

***

So I'm the oldest, most living-in-a-box person around because this conversation just happened.

1st co-worker, talking to another co-worker: "I just saw the new Star Wars."
2nd co-worker: "Don't tell me anything! I'm going to see it this weekend!"
Me: "Which Star Wars is this? It's all I've been hearing about for weeks."
2nd co-worker: "This is the trilogy of the trilogy."
Me, staring blankly.
1st co-worker: "This is 7 of 7,8,9."
Me: "What? Ok, so all I've seen are the ones from the 70s. With Luke Skywalker and Chewbacca."
2nd co-worker: "Yeah, those were 4,5,6."
Me: "What? I thought those were the first ones!"
1st co-worker: "They are."
Me: "So how are they 4,5,6?"
2nd co-worker, laughing: "Because then they made the prequel to those several years ago, so those became 1,2,3. But those aren't worth seeing."
Me: "Oh! Wait, is that the one with Bar Bar Jinx?"
2nd co-worker, laughing harder: "Jar Jar Binks, yeah."
Me: "Oh man, how old do I sound right now?"
2nd co-worker: "Super old."
Me: "So what is the one he just saw?"
1st co-worker: "I just saw 7, which is the one after the third one that you saw."
Me: "There's a lot of word-problem math stuff going on in this conversation. Also, hasn't this movie been out for, like, a week? Why is it such a big deal that you went last night?"
1st co-worker: "The LA premiere was last week, but it opened nation-wide last night."
Me: "Wow. It's shocking how little I know about this."
2nd co-worker: "We agree."

Anyway.

***

Nobody in my family reads anymore. Just kidding! We all read but then we all depend on my dad to blog because we keep forgetting. MAYBE over the Christmas break one of us will get one or two in? Until then, click here and browse around for some good reading inspiration!

***

It hasn't felt very Christmas-y this year, which I'm going to go ahead and blame on the awful, warm weather. CB disagrees that it's "awful" when it's 60 or 70 degrees in December in the northeast, but I think it's just plain wrong. I want snow, dammit! I wait all year for this!

However, I've been trying to get myself into the holiday spirit by listening to Christmas tunes. Which lead me to start making a list in my head of the best Christmas tunes ever.

Best:

"Bells bells bells bells!" (is what I call it. Apparently it's called "Carol of the Bells.")
"Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire (The Christmas Song)"
"Little Drummer Boy"
"All I Want For Christmas (Is You)"
"Holly Jolly Christmas"

Honorable mentions go to:

"Hark the Herald Angels Sing"
"Deck the Halls"
"Jingle Bell Rock"
"The Most Wonderful Time of the Year"

Oh hell, I like them all. I can't help it!

Now I'm in the spirit! Thanks, lists!



Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Just Call Me Ebenezer

It’s possible that I’m writing this while listening to the New Kids on the Block Christmas channel on Pandora. Don’t judge and try not to dance during “Funky Funky Christmas.” Can’t happen (yes it can, according to CB, but he lies).

Anyway, I’m about to be the Grinch, you guys, hunker down, there’s some Scrooge’ing going on in my brain and I can’t stop it. Nor do I really want to? Because I’m totally right and my judgment is warranted, is what I tell myself while trying to be merry.

Ok, so I’m a fan of animals. Dogs, cats, adorable bunnies – I’m good with all of them. I had a beloved cat for 13 years as and we had a dog and cats growing up. However, we’ve gone ‘round the bend and need to stop. It’s madness, you guys.

You see, I was at the gym today, listening to a conversation between two women discussing their upcoming holiday travel plans. It started out normal enough until one of the women began talking about what a pain it’s turning out to be to take her dog on holiday with them.

First, I object to this on principle: unless you’re moving and/or impaired in some way and require the assistance of a canine, don’t bring your dog on vacation. Nobody wants your dog on the plane, I promise. Listen, nobody wants my baby on the plane and she’s incredibly cute, wears festive hats, and has dimples. Also, nobody at your final destination wants your dog there, either. I promise. However, my overall objection to this is because the woman proved herself to be an insane person and I was disturbed that the other woman continued to discuss this with her as if it was at all normal. To the point that I started making counter-arguments in my head at her even though she wasn’t talking to me and also maybe I shouldn’t have been eavesdropping?

Whatever. The following things actually came out of the dog-owners mouth and I full-on stared at her while they did. I didn’t even try to hide the fact that I was judging her with my eyes and aggressively arguing with her in my brain.

She said….

·         I want her (the dog) with me because I don’t have as much fun if she’s not there. I feel like she will miss me.

Counter-point:

·         She’ll be fine. You won’t, but that’s beyond your dog’s problem.

She said….

·         She could stay with my brother, who lives on a few acres of land and they have two dogs themselves. But they just let their dogs outside to run around and my dog needs to be walked on a leash or she won’t go to the bathroom. She’s an indoor dog.

Counter-point:

·         OH MY GOD. There’s no such thing as an indoor dog. Good grief I dislike this lady a ton. She’s describing a somewhat awful experience of dragging her “indoor dog” onto a plane full of no other dogs so that she can have her in a hotel room at her final destination because the dog will miss her otherwise. OR, the dog could play with other dogs and run around like dogs love doing because GENETICS and not be put on a leash by her insane owner?

She said….

·         The only problem is that I’m starting to think that I shouldn’t spend $7500 and all of this time to have my dog on vacation with me.

Counter-point:

·         You shouldn’t. You’re just starting to think that? The fact that an actual sentence like this came out of your mouth tells me more about you than anything else I’ll ever hear from you ever while eavesdropping in the locker room.  

See? I’m totally Scrooge-y! Why am I so mean? These are ACTUAL thoughts I had while she was complaining about her dog struggles! It’s almost Christmas and I was all like “you are a ridiculous person.” What happened to having a charitable heart? My heart isn’t even in the same room with everyone else’s charitable ones! Oh no, you guys!



Friday, December 4, 2015

Friday Wrapup

Forget the wrapup:

YOU GUYS. The world is now complete. COMPLETE! I'm yelling for a reason, you'll all understand in ONE MINUTE.

Remember this post from September? Of course you do, I know it's been weighing on your minds. This morning I FINALLY FIGURED IT OUT.

I was looking for a different Video of the Week, and this song was halfway down and I was like "Oh my God that's the song I hate so so much!"

YOU GUYS.

So of course I immediately texted CB:

Yes, I realize I said "fee" instead of "feel." I was too excited to type properly!  




I will say, though, that one particular reader (Olga, I'm looking at you!) did follow-up with me several times, both via text and in person, as she'd hear awful songs and wonder if maybe that was the particular awful song I had in mind. So I want to give her a special shout-out because she tried totally harder than my own husband who was like "you hate a lot of music, I can't keep track." 

True.

To be fair, perhaps I threw him and everyone else off by being completely out of the loop. See, I thought it was "current." Turns out this song came out in 2011? Could that be? I legit live in a box of protection from horrible songs, apparently. I mean, you're talking to the girl who married the guy who thought that there was a boy band called "The Ramos Brothers." Our poor kid already has so much ammo for being completely embarrassed to be seen with us by the age of 3. 

But for some reason, YouTube refuses to let me embed the video here, so click here to watch it and TRY to get this terrible, awful song out of your head. TRY! Then complain about it a ton to your loved ones, then ask them to remember it three months from now, then LOSE YOUR MIND when they're like "What? Nope, don't remember." (I love you CB. I know I'm the worst, I know.)

Enjoy(youwon'tenjoy). 




Thursday, December 3, 2015

I May Be Living in a Black Hole

Ok, so it's been a weird week, you guys. First, I got an alert from our bank the other day that my debit card number had been used in a totally different part of the country at a superstore - which bummed me out for two reasons: (1) someone stole and that's the worst and (2) they were in a fun part of the country that I totally want to visit! The good news is that our bank is awesome and reimbursed us so really, no harm, no foul. Except how about we all just agree that stealing is wrong and we'll stop doing it?

Then randomly the next night, I woke up with a crazy high fever and spent the next 12 hours fighting spikes in my insane body temperature. However, perhaps it should worry all of us that I'm a parent in charge of knowing stuff because, as it turns out, I had the fever earlier that evening when CB and I were watching tv on the couch. But instead of accurately reading my body's signs, I was like "Wow, I must've worked out extra hard today because my entire body hurts! Like, uncomfortably aches!" And I was really proud of myself and rewarded that behavior with leftover birthday cake. As you do when you're a grownup. 

And then this morning I found myself in a very minor car accident - I say "very minor" because (a) it wasn't my car and (b) nobody was injured. But it was probably less minor for the people who had to deal with insurance and headaches and telling their boss that they crashed the company car. 

However, speaking of reading the situation wrong, I decided to still go to work because, you know, this week is trying to subtly tell me that it'd be awesome and nobody at work would yell at me! But this week was wrong. And so now I'm pretty sure I should just sit really still and not talk to/do anything until Sunday because the week needs some time away from me so it can cool off and we can both think about how we feel about everything that's happened and rebuild. 

To be totally honest, though, I keep feeling like I should thank the week because all of this stuff really is minor and I'm grateful that these are my "problems." And then CB is like "It's ok to be annoyed with this week" but my theory about magical thinking keeps me from putting those vibes out into the universe because YOU NEVER KNOW, you guys.

Also, sometimes these are the conversations that make CB wonder how someone hadn't already totally fallen in love with me and taken me off the hot market by the time he came around. It's called luck, CB. You're welcome. 

Oh, and if you just can't get enough of what I have to say today (#everyone), head on over to my latest article on Romper! Apparently when people pay me to write I get super-serious! 

To put us all in a better mood, let's revisit the magic that is being a kid and check out this little guy being TOTALLY BLOWN AWAY by automatic doors. 



Happy Thursday! 

Monday, November 30, 2015

Reinventing the Wedding

So this weekend I went to a wedding and it was everything a wedding should be – beautiful and elegant with delicious food, great music, and lots of laughs. However, I had an ingenious idea about halfway through the night that I immediately shared with CB and he was like “Nobody would want to do that. People love dressing up.” To which I yelled “Lies!” while running down the hall carrying my sparkly high-heeled shoes like an over-tired Cinderella.

Anyway.

MOVE OVER Snuggies and Pajama Jeans, there’s a new, cozy Sheriff in town. And her name is Pajama Weddings.

Right??? Let’s Trademark this immediately. I mean, first of all, CB is totally wrong – people only love dressing up for a photo or two and then they’re all like “Ugh, I wish this dress had an elastic waist so I could enjoy this mac n’ cheese bar more.” Plus, I don’t care how fancy you are, after a few hours of eating and drinking a bunch, you pretty much don’t care if you look slammin’ (are the kids still/have they ever said that?). You know what you want to do? Put on your pj’s, dance to a little Beyonce, and celebrate love in comfort.

Think about it – instead of writing “Black Tie Optional” (which always gives me anxiety), you can write “Footie PJ’s Optional.” That way, people who don’t own adult-sized footed pajamas won’t feel out of place, since it was only an option. But if you go full-on footie, you’re right at home. Also, you can really make this a niche market, all fashion designers. Gone are the days of the yoga pants and hoodie (a staple in my household because CB is the luckiest man ever) - now you can get super into finding just the right pj’s for the event. Evening wedding? Maybe a little silk is in your pj future. Summer wedding? A cute pj tank and matching shorts say you’re a girl in the know!

Plus, slippers. BOOM. Mind blown, I’m a genius.

Who's with me. Also, someone get married and do this, I totally already blew it!


Happy Monday! 

Friday, November 20, 2015

Friday Wrapup

Let's get to it!

***

First of all, thank you for your support of my other writing endeavors on Romper. We've gotten great feedback so far and that's in huge part due to you guys!

***

Second of all, the book this week is "Anya's Ghost" by Vera Brosgol. Any review with the word "whore" in it is one worth reading! (now if that didn't entice you guys, I don't know what will!)

***

Third. I went to Vegas last week for work and....wow. First of all, the description by a colleague that it's basically "an x-rated Disney World" was pretty spot on. But also, WHY hasn't anyone ever spoken about the fact that you have to walk approximately five miles to get out of or into any one of the hotels and that you will gain approximately 8 pounds in three days because the food is delicious. WHY?

Also, even though I was there for work, two friends joined me so they could lay by the pool while I worked and then hang with me while we ate food and went to bed by 9pm. It did come up at one point - as we were snuggling into our beds in pjs while we could hear our hotel neighbors getting ready to go out - that perhaps we were "doing Vegas wrong." But we were too sleepy and full to finish that thought, and so we continued to do Vegas wrong the entire time. Especially because we couldn't convince Mary to spend $50 to see Boyz II Men. They were playing at the Mirage Hotel - right next door to our hotel - and Gwen and I were on board.

Me: "So Mary, how do you feel about Boyz II Men?"
Mary: "I feel great about them...in 1992."

And that was pretty much the end of the "so are you interested in maybe going to see them perform tonight, minus the one band member who no longer tours with them because of his scoliosis? No? OK, let's go eat and get into our jammies instead" conversation.

Also, I woke up to this text message today:


Yes, I realize there are a few notable things happening in this text: One, when I text myself, I text "Me!" because that's how I have my number listed in my phone. Of course. Second, last time I texted myself, I'd birthed a baby who was so small that her newborn diaper went up to her armpits. So there's that. Third, at 1:37 am last night I texted myself, simply, "Boyz II Men." Because I woke up and remembered that I wanted to have Boyz II Men be the Video of the Week today. 

Obviously.

You're welcome, everyone from 1992. I miss videos where people slowly chair-dance while seated backwards as they're wearing blazers with shoulder pads, 





Happy Friday!





Monday, November 9, 2015

How Do YOU Shower? I MUST KNOW.

First: my first essay on Romper went live – wanna check it out? Click here!

*** 

Second: Last night, CB and I were watching a movie when, halfway through, there was a shower scene. But not, like, a steamy shower scene that’s NSFW. It was just a woman showering and I was all like “Weird that she’s showering that way.” And CB was like “Um, what way?” and then my mind was blown when I found out that, not only do CB and I shower totally differently, but that maybe the way I shower is kind of weird.

Obviously I immediately paused the movie and was like “Follow me into the bathroom. We’re going to mock-shower.” And he was completely on board because he married me so he knows that this kind of conversation is a regular part of the deal.

I stepped in, turned my back to the shower, and mimicked all of my not-facing-the-water-ever actions. He then stepped into the shower and showed me how he lets the water not only HIT HIS FACE, but that sometimes he just stands there letting the water run over his head and down his body. Like he’s being slowly water-boarded in his own bathroom.

Me: “Oh my God, how do you breathe?”
CB: “Uh, the water doesn’t make me stop breathing.”
Me: “Right, but don’t you have to hold your breath?”
CB: “For what?”
Me: “Because water is hitting your face!”
CB, laughing: “No…it’s not that much water.I'm not submerged.”
Me: “Also, you’d never be able to have your eyes open when you showered!”
CB, still laughing: “Why couldn’t I open my eyes?”
Me: “Because the water is hitting your eyes sometimes!”
CB: “Right but if there’s not soap in there, you can just open your eyes.”
Me: “I cannot open my eyes around water.”
CB: “You are the strangest person I’ve ever met.”
Me: “YOU are the strangest person I’ve ever met! I’m going to have to literally poll everybody I know about this first thing in the morning!”
CB: “I’d expect nothing less.”

And so I started with my family.




I must point out here that my mom isn't gross.
She's just a bath kind of gal. Ok, proceed.
They knew what I meant. 




And then my dad chimed in that he agreed that there's no right or wrong way and it depends on the circumstances. But let's get real: there's a right and wrong way and I'm doing it wrong. 

Except I can't stop! It took me TWICE as long to shower this morning because I was trying it the facing-the-water way and I just kept coughing on water and felt like someone was squiring a hose at my face and wouldn't stop. 

Anyway…I’m taking a poll – facing the shower or away? I MUST KNOW WHAT EVERYONE DOES. Go!


(Happy Monday!) 

Friday, November 6, 2015

Friday Wrapup

Let's get to it!

***

No books. We're slackers. I'm reading two books right now, but that reading usually happens sometime around midnight-3am when I've gotten up to feed the beh-beh and then can't fall back asleep. It's possible I'm just re-reading the same four pages each night. We shall see.

However, let's pressure CB. He's reading (and enjoying) a book my parents loaned him (that has been blogged about here) and I think we should peer-pressure a review out of him when he's done. That's the sign of a healthy relationship when you group-harass your husband, I'm pretty sure. DO IT.

***

Tomorrow, apparently, my first essay will appear on Romper. I'm a little nervous, if I'm being honest, because it's sort of more vulnerable and serious than I normally am and I'm pretty sure my editor is like "um, we didn't hire you for your non-humor, lady." But still. I'm excited so if you follow this blog on Facebook or Twitter, you'll see me post it when it's up! Unless I re-read it and it sucks, in which case, I will keep it hidden forever.

***

I can't listen to the new Adele song for two and a half reasons: 1, there's this part where it seems like the beat changes and it doesn't make sense to me, and so then it takes me out of the moment and all I can think of next, and for the rest of the song, is 2, LIONEL RICHIE. I'm sorry, but you can't hear the Adele song without thinking of this one. You can't. Unless you can? In which case, you're not me, apparently. And then the half part is because it makes me sad, which I think is the point of Adele in general. But it gets me all sappy-sad and then I just want it to be raining and chilly and I want to be wearing a big, comfy sweater.

Anyway.

Happy Friday!









Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Conversations from Cohabitation

The other night, I excitedly gave CB our options for tv viewing:

Me: “So, you have two choices tonight for DVR stuff. One, Project Runway, which is Part One of the season finale, so exciting!”
CB: “Ok, so I’m pretty sure I’ll be going with option two.”
Me: “Option two is the Leah Remini special on 20/20 where she talks about Scientology and Tom Cruise.”
CB: “Wow, I was sure that Project Runway was going to be the one I didn’t want to watch.”
Me: “These are two very good options.”
CB: “These are two awful options.”
Me: “So which one?”
CB: “Why would we watch Leah Remini talk about Scientology?”
Me: “Because I love her. And that sounds like some crazy sh*t.”
CB: “I feel like we’ll get dumber regardless of which one we watch.”

So I turned on the Leah Remini special and CB got up from the couch.
 Me: “Where are you going?”
CB: “To get a drink. I’m definitely going to need something to get through this.”
Me: “Be honest – you need a drink here and there to get through our marriage.”
CB: “Not untrue.” 

Happy Wednesday, everyone! Keep an eye out this Saturday for my first essay on Romper!

Friday, October 30, 2015

Friday Wrapup

I know, I know, I'm super late today. I'M SLEEPY. And a little lazy. Let's get to it!

***

No, you guys, I didn't post about the new Mindy Kaling book. I've failed you yet again. Maybe next week? It's 50/50. But click here for some of the most recent posts and get inspired!

***

I don't know why this makes me laugh so hard, but it does.

Also, CB and I love being scared but I do not like being scared when CB isn't around. Which happened last night and I was CONVINCED (again, this may have happened last time he wasn't home one night) that there was someone hiding in my daughter's closet and I stared at it on the monitor for, no kidding, ten minutes. Did the door move slightly? I thinks so, yeah. Didn't I close it over all the way? Why is it ajar? How do I save my daughter from the very patient monster hiding in her closet without alerting said monster? Solution: sleep on the floor of her room and stare at it from closer range.

Anyway. Watching other people be scared (when it's harmless) makes me laugh. Enjoy!




***

Happy Halloween, everyone!



Thursday, October 29, 2015

TBT - Carving Pumpkins: An Exercise in Compromise


So we haven't done anything remotely Halloween-y this year because (a) the days are a blur and these damn weekends are flying by too fast! and (b) CB is out of town this weekend and so we didn't get around to carving a pumpkin that he wouldn't even be around to enjoy. Which is a bummer, because we kind of love carving pumpkins each year - and we basically nail it, if I'm being honest.

Also, if we were to do it this year, we would've done this:

This is Mets pitcher Jacob DeGromm. We could've totally
done this. But currently my husband is hanging from a ledge
because they're down two games in the World Series and we got
into a brief argument this morning when I had the news on, they started
talking about the Mets, and I wouldn't "accommodate him" by turning it off
so he didn't have to watch highlights from when they lost. But I digress. 

Anyway, I'm super-excited for Saturday, though, when I'll be putting our daughter in a monkey costume and taking lots of pictures. She doesn't know this is the plan yet, but I'm pretty sure she'll be psyched.

In the meantime, enjoy this throwback post from last Halloween where CB and I demonstrate why we are totally fit to be parents of a person.

***


All I’ve really got to say is that if we end up making kids half as well as we make pumpkins, this world is in for a treat - there was a lot of high-fiving last night over our teamwork. Though it should be noted that I was never in charge of the carving or cleaning out of the pumpkin guts. The non-carving is just good safety and the pumpkin guts thing is less because it feels like you’re ripping out the insides of your own stomach and more because both of our hands wouldn’t fit into the pumpkin and so I didn’t want to slow down the process...is what I told CB.

Also, I was busy monitoring the status of the pumpkin guts bowl balancing on the edge of the table and not saying anything because I didn’t want to be bossy since CB’s hands were elbow-deep in vegetable goo. But all I kept thinking was “the bowl’s gonna fall, the bowl’s gonna fall.” And so then, when the bowl fell, I felt less concerned for our rug and more content that I was right. Which is something I’m working on, I get it.

However, I believe we’ve narrowed in on why, exactly, the bowl fell in the first place. Someone was distracted by a show that he doesn’t care at all about and thinks is too soap oper-y.

Exhibit A.

I will acknowledge, though, the lack of Beyonce anywhere in our apartment for the holiday season and it’s a damn shame. One of you faithful blog readers pointed out via Facebook that, while the pumpkin is delightful, it does not at all resemble Mrs. Carter. But when I broached the subject to CB, he didn’t even let me finish the sentence:

CB: “No.”
Me: “But-“
CB: “Not happening. We’re not carving a Beyonce pumpkin.”
Me: “Well what if next year we get two?”
CB: “That’s fine, but you’re going to have to do all of the carving for your special pumpkin.”

Me, thinking about it.

Me: “Yeah…just one pumpkin is fine. It might be overkill to have her face lit up every night anyway.”

And then a little bit of my soul died for lying straight to my husband’s face. Because Beyonce’s carved image lit up in our apartment every night is basically my dream come true. So I guess this is what they mean when they say marriage is hard work.

Happy Wednesday, everyone! Did you carve your pumpkins yet??




Friday, October 23, 2015

Friday Wrapup

Let's get to it!

***
This week's book is The Kingdom of Ice by Hampton Sides. Check it out! Btw, I love seeing that you guys are going directly to the book blog now for your reading inspiration - if you have any suggestions for books we (I) should be reading and posting about, let me know! In the next few weeks I'll post about the new Mindy Kaling book that I read in the middle of the night when I can't fall asleep after feeding my daughter. It might only be half-accurate as my middle-of-the-night brain doesn't always remember actual facts.

***

For those of you who don't breathlessly follow me on Facebook (impossible), you may have missed my sort of exciting (but REALLY exciting to me) news earlier in the week - so here goes: Starting in November, you'll be able to read some of my thoughts on being a mom on a new site from Bustle called Romper. Clearly I am qualified to speak to millennials - as their elder statesman - and dole out all sorts of advice because I've got this mom thing DOWN after four months.

But in all sincerity, I'm truly flattered that anyone would want to publish anything I have to say and so I'm pretty excited for this new venture. Plus, I don't have enough going on right now with being a new mom, wife, friend, working full time, and trying to figure out what the phrase "on fleek" means. Though, if I'm being honest, I'm at my best when I'm busier than all hell, and so this should be great! But also, "at my best" doesn't always mean "returns email the same day to people I love" and so for that, I'm sorry all of you people I love!

A hearty shout-out to my friend, Brian, who got this whole ball rolling for me. I also got referred to as someone with "verve," and so basically I went around describing myself that way to CB and friends until they tuned me out.

And most importantly, a shout-out to all of you guys who have been faithful followers and readers of this blog for the last few years. (don't worry, I'm not going anyway, Stories About My Underpants will continue as the sight where I DON'T constantly talk about being a mom!) You guys have always rallied around this little blog and I'm eternally grateful that you let me use you as my outlet for every random thought I have.

Thank you.

So click here to read about this new venture and stay tuned in November when it launches!


***

And now, the Video of the Week. This is a discovery by CB and I dig it. So I'll share with you so you can dig it, too!

Happy Friday!


Thursday, October 22, 2015

Things I Don't Understand

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a post called “Things I Don’t Understand”  and half-joked that I might make it a regular thing on the blog. But now all joking has been set aside because there are way too many things I don’t understand to put into one post. So there are two below that have happened in the last 24 hours and happen ALL OF THE TIME. Much to my dismay.

Hitting the Elevator Button a Whole Bunch. So there are two kinds of these people: the first is the person who hits the elevator button a ton, even after it’s already lit up. Which is adjacent to the person who watches pots boil and anxiously checks their watch and looks for a train that will never arrive. But the second person is the one that perplexes me more because this person sees you standing there in front of the elevator and goes over and hits the lit-up-already button. This confuses me on many levels.

Do you think I’m just standing here staring at the wall without intentions of going anywhere? Probably not, which leads me to assume that you think hitting a button twice makes it come faster, making you the cousin of the above, multiple-hitter. And you both confuse me because I have no life and spend several minutes each week thinking about you.

Not Silencing Your Phone While Playing Candy Crush on the Train. To be fair, this can go for you playing games that aren’t Candy Crush. But you confuse me because we can all hear you making matches or getting coins or whatever it is that happens in Candy Crush (truth be told I’ve never played it because I’m busy dominating in solitaire.) And it’s super-annoying. Hence the obvious, yet subtle, stare-down I do during the entire ride. It’s the train equivalent to people talking during a movie and me doing the side head turn to indicate that you’re bugging me.

What I do think is strange about me, though, is that I’ll turn off my headphones so that I’m more annoyed by your phone game sounds. Why? Because I like to feed the savage beast, that’s why.


Happy Thursday! (Go Mets!)