Monday, March 30, 2015

Blog housekeeping and the Best Conversation I've Ever Had with My Husband

First, a few housekeeping notes:

  •  LET’S GO SPARTANS! (applies only to those of you who care. Which should be everyone.)
  • I did not, in turns out, win the Bloggie Award for Best Humor Blog 2015. However, I also forgot that the announcement would be made, and then got a bunch of very sweet emails from you guys saying I was robbed. Which obviously I totally agree with, except not really, since I still can’t believe I made it into the Top 5! And the Bloggess didn’t win that category either, and so – can I really complain? THANK YOU, though, for voting and nominating me in the first place! It was a very cool experience. And maybe next year I’ll know it’s happening! But probably not.


And now, to a conversation I had with CB on Friday that basically made me laugh so hard that I had to brace myself against the counter because the baby doesn’t like it when I laugh too hard because then I don’t breathe a lot.

Me: “Guess what’s on DVR for us to watch this weekend?
CB: “I’m going to assume something by Shonda Rhimes?”
Me: “Yes! Scandal AND Grey’s Anatomy!”
CB: “Lucky me.”
Me: “Which one do you want to watch first?”
CB, thinking.
Me: “I think we should watch Grey’s first because remember how maybe Derek cheated?”
CB: “Right, but he definitely cheated because, why would you fly home if you didn’t do anything wrong?”
Me: “True. Except maybe he just wanted to explain the misunderstanding?”
CB: “No, any guy would just do that over the phone if he didn’t have anything to explain. Plus, it’s the last season, so of course he cheated, that’s an easy way to end the show.”
Me: “Oh my God, quit saying it’s the last season! You’re literally the only one who says that and you KEEP saying it! I think it’s wishful thinking.”
CB, laughing.
Me: “Plus, you’re just mad that Lexie’s not on anymore after she died in that plane crash.”
CB: “I mean, I wouldn’t even know she used to be on the show if you didn’t have to DVR every repeat! But yeah, she was cute.”
Me: “They’re all cute.”
CB: “Which is another reason that show is ridiculous. NO staff of doctors looks like those people, male or female.”
Me: “But I wish they did.”

Silence.

Me: “I still don’t understand why you didn’t like Mark Sloan.”
CB: “Which one is he?”
Me: “He’s the other one you didn’t know existed until repeats who died in the plane crash. McSteamy.”
CB: “Oh right. There’s a McDreamy and a McSteamy. This is totally a realistic show.”
Me: “ You’re just jealous because he got to make out with Lexie.”
CB: “But he was such a jerk. No woman would actually take him back.”
Me: “Untrue. There are a lot of dumb women out there.”
CB: “He was just such a jerk. ‘I love you, I want you back, but I’m going to be a childish jerk about it.’”
Me, laughing.

Silence.

CB, staring at me totally seriously: “Beck, I swear to God, I’ve never hated you more. I can’t believe we just had that entire conversation.”


And then he walked out of the room while I laughed for literally three minutes straight. 

Friday, March 27, 2015

Friday Wrapup

Let's get to it!

***

This week's book is a throwback, of sorts, because it was posted by my sister a few year's back. But since my dad and CB can't update the blog ALL the time, I thought I'd do a little digging because there are some gems on there! So, check out "Helping Me Help Myself" by Beth Lisick and then perhaps do what I did and browse a bit - I forget about all of the good books out there sometimes!

***

You guys, I did something I'm pretty ashamed of, but I have to come clean: while in San Francisco on business, I watched TWO EPISODES of "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" and then watched TWO HOURS on the plane of a season wrapup of a show I've never seen before called "Vanderpump Rules."

I've never seen RHOBH before, but apparently that's the abbreviation people in the know use? To be fair, I've never seen any of the Real Housewives shows. Not because I'm above it (though I want to be), but because I'm too busy watching repeats of "The Golden Girls" and "Gilmore Girls" before heading to bed at 8pm.

But when you're in a hotel and there's no channel guide, and the first channel you recognize after all of the Hotel ads is Bravo, you just stick to it so you can eat your Subway sandwich in a comfy king sized bed. It's what adults do, people!

And when you're trapped on a 6 hour flight across the country and you're pregnant, stuck against the window, and afraid to keep asking the two people next to you to get up so you can pee again, you get yourself involved in the lives of people who need to spend time in a dark box alone for years so they can think about how awful they are and what they're lives have become.

Which is why I love Nick Kroll. His parody of everything I just watched this week was eerily spot on. And if you've ever, ever turned on the Bravo network (or E!), you will appreciate this as well.

I think I have PTSD.


***

And now, the Video of the Week.

YOU GUYS. It's March Madness (do you care?). And MSU is in the Sweet Sixteen, going up against Oklahoma tonight. Um, except clearly they don't know they're target audience since the game is on at 10:07 pm! As I said to CB "I'm going to have to take a nap so I can make it through the first half!"

But I will do everything in my power to watch - but only if it seems to be working. If they start losing, I will take one for the team and go to bed so as not to jinx them from getting into the Elite 8.

Let's go Spartans!



Wednesday, March 25, 2015

A Quick Conversations from Cohabitation

Sorry I’ve been MIA, guys – had a work trip on the west coast and just getting back to the land of the living. But here’s a quick conversations from cohabitation to keep you occupied until Friday’s wrapup!

So last week I had to go to the doctor for a baby checkup and was in the actual labor and delivery wing of the hospital where little BC will be born. And it was terrifying, so I texted CB:

Me: “BTW, in labor and delivery and have been laying here for more than an hour and can hear a woman next door in labor. Um….uh oh.”
CB: “Haha jeez! Maybe she’s having triplets?”
Me: “Nope. I asked. And she has an epidural!”
CB (being sarcastic): “Tell her to stop being dramatic.”
Me: “I think someone is stabbing her.”
CB: “Yeah, stabbing her with parenthood.”



Happy Wednesday!

Friday, March 20, 2015

Friday Wrapup

Let’s get to it!

***

Happy Spring, everyone! But don’t get too excited, Spring hasn’t officially sprung until, like, 6-something tonight. Which is why snow is currently in the forecast for my lunch hour.

I’ll miss you too, winter, but quit being so needy – it’s unbecoming!

***

This week’s book is “After Dark” by Haruki Murakami, who we’ve blogged about before because we like him. And you should too (pressure!). Or not. But either way, you should check out the review here and browse around for other spring reading inspiration!

***

This is the original patent for toilet paper.
Debate settled. FOREVER. 

EXACTLY, people, this is what I’m talking about! (and yes, if I go to your house and you’re an “under” house? I change your role while I’m in the bathroom. YOU'RE WELCOME.)

***

You guys, I’m never doing this, so don’t even bother tagging me if you do it on Facebook. Click here

However, I will voluntarily eat a bag of Twizzlers if you promise I don’t have to share.

***


And now, the Video of the Week. This one is for CB, plus it’s one of my favorite DMB songs AND came on Pandora this morning, making me happy. So it’s the winner! 


Monday, March 16, 2015

Did you Vote?

Not a real post warning!

But in case you missed the blog a few weeks ago, click here for the insanity of the news that Stories About My Underpants has been nominated as one of the Top Humor Blogs. I KNOW. But I don't care if it was a mistake, we're taking it, you guys!

And if you haven't and are inclined to vote, please do! Click here, vote in the Top Humor category, and then check out some of the other categories that include favorite bloggers of mine (Tanktronic and Skinnytaste among them!)

Thank you!!

Friday, March 13, 2015

Friday Wrapup

Let's get to it!

***

You guys! Guilt and public pressure works! CB has written his first of what I hope is many book reviews. So go on over to the book blog or click here to check out his thoughts on Stephen King's 11/22/63. It's not the first review on this book, but it's CB's first, and so let's show some love. Plus, it gives my dad a break for a week, which is always nice.

Enjoy! (thanks, CB!)

***

Um, no thanks to CB, I woke up to this email and accompanying photo this morning:

Subject: You on my side!!!!

The charge: Your foot is actually HANGING off the edge of MY side of the bed.
I rest my case, your honor.
GUILTY!!!

I am a vision. 

You see, this is months in the making. Almost every morning CB will re-tell tales (lies) about how I completely take over the bed and, when he goes to get in, he has "one tiny corner or you get mad at me."

Lies.

However, I will confess that since this baby has continued to grow, sleeping has become more challenging (and apparently I sleep on my back now?) and mama needs her room!

But....ok. This is a bit extreme. I'll give him that.

***

CB and I saw this on the news this morning (ok, so it's not actually news, but it's adorable...and that seems to be enough?) And the first thing that came to mind was "this is sort of what it's like when CB comes home and I want to hang out and he's like 'um, I just saw you 8 hours ago.'" And then I go and sleep on his side to get back at him.




***

And now, the Video of the Week.

I first discovered Pentatonix when they covered the Evolution of Beyonce (obviously). And every once in a while, I check in to see what they're up to.

This is awesome. Enjoy!




Happy Friday!

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Conversations from Cohabitation

So the other day we were sitting around talking about the names we’ve picked out for the baby, both boy and girl. And while we have a backup boy name just in case – as CB puts it – “He doesn’t look at all like a __________(fill in the blank)”, we don’t have a backup girl name. 

Which is totally fine with me, because I love the names we’ve picked out and babies look half-baked when they come out anyway, and so they’ll look like whatever we name it? Is my theory. Mother of the year. 

However, apparently my mother-in-law doesn’t agree and is stressing about it on our behalf. And so she and CB sat on their phones looking up Irish girl names while I ate goldfish crackers and wondered when I could nap.

MIL: “What about Maeve?”
Me: “Like Maeve Binchy? She wrote ‘Circle of Friends.’”
MIL: “Um, ok. I just think it’s pretty.”
Me: “No.”

Silence.

CB: “Nora?”
Me: “There’s already a Nora on my side of the family, my cousin’s daughter. It’s cute. But no.”

Silence.

MIL: “Chloe?”
Me: “It’s cute…but no.”
CB: “Ciara?”
Me: “Like Ciara the singer? No.”
MIL: “Sophie?”
Me: “Cute, but no.”
CB: “Shannon?”
Me: “No.”
MIL: “Jade?”                                                                                                                   
Me: “Um, no.”                                                                                                                 
CB: “Orla?”
Me: “You’re clearly just messing with me. And no.”

Silence.

Me: “I like Claire. But not more than I like what we already have. So no.”

Silence.

MIL: “Blaire?”
Me: “Like from The Facts of Life?”
MIL, looking confused, looking at CB for help, then me: “Uh, what?”
Me: “You know, The Facts of Life, the 80s tv show?”
MIL, blank stare.
Me, to CB: “You know The Facts of Life!”
CB: “Yeah, but I don’t know what their names were.”
Me, singing: “You take the good you take the bad you take ‘em both and there you have the facts of life…the facts of life!”
MIL: “Um…what does that have to do with Blair?”
Me: “Blair! She was the blonde, snotty one. And there was Jo, the tomboy, Natalie, the funny one, and Tutti, the one on rollerskates.”
MIL: “Oh yeah, I know what you’re talking about now. I didn’t realize her name was Blair.”

Silence.

MIL: “So…..”Me: “No.”MIL: “I think I’m going to swtich over to looking at dinner r├ęcipes for the week. This is exhausting.”
CB: “Welcome to my life.”

Monday, March 9, 2015

For Preston

I’ve had a lot of incredible experiences in my life. But one of the most impactful, shaping, and lasting is the time that I spent at The State News in college. I learned more in that newsroom in three years than in most of the classrooms on the entire campus (sorry, mom and dad) and made friends that are with me to this day for the biggest and smallest moments of this crazy life. 

And while we may be far and wide now as we carry on outside of Student Services and The Peanut Barrel, we are a close-knit tribe that relentlessly supports and cheers on one another every step of the way.

Well, one of the biggest hearts of that tribe has passed away after a heroic and incredibly long battle with her own. Preston was a kind, fiercely loyal, and eternally optimistic soul who even went so far as to faithfully support this little blog.

So, since the State News produced far better writers than I, I’m dedicating this post to Jen Preston in the way we do, in the words of just some of that tribe....

(sorry, I know the font is small)



Friday, March 6, 2015

Friday Wrapup

Let's get to it!

***

First, thanks to all of you who have posted, re-posted, and voted for the Bloggie Awards! If you haven't and want to, click here (Most Humorous Blog...I know, it doesn't make a lot of sense, right?)

***

I'm going to use this blog to try and bully CB into posting for the first time on the family book blog, because he's been ZOOMING through books, and I'm still struggling to stay awake until 8pm. And so.....help me bully my husband, you guys!

Oh yeah, and also, no book posts this week because I'm the worst.

***

Does it make me a bad mom-to-be that this makes me laugh?


If my baby only stops crying when it hears Beyonce, I will know it's truly from my purest DNA.

***

For your weekly dose of "that looks Photoshopped, but it's not", click here. That's a weasel riding a woodpecker. Because why the hell not?

***

Sorry, guys, but I have to put this song as the Video of the Week today even though I'm pretty sure it made its debut more than a year or two ago. Because basically CB is married to me, and for that, he should be hugged often.

Just yesterday he came out in the snow and "state of emergency" conditions to get me from work, went back out later to get pasta sauce because "pasta with chicken sounds good," and then went back out into the snow when I said that I needed something caffeinated (doctor's orders) because my migraine was getting so bad.

Also, that pasta with chicken thing? I started making it but, because my migraine was getting so bad it hurt to be up-right with my eyes open, I walked away from the chicken as it was cooking and was like "I can't do this, I'm going to be sick" and just ran into the bathroom. And he was like "wait, so should I throw the chicken out because this is one of those pregnancy things that you can't have in the house anymore, or do you want me to finish cooking it?"

I mean, that was only, like, 4 hours of his life, you guys. He lives in discomfort of The Unknown better than anyone I know.

Thank you, CB. I owe you big time (I'll give you a kid or something in a few months - deal?)




Wednesday, March 4, 2015

A Breezy Kind of Type A

So I have spent my life assuming that I’m pretty breezy. You know, not letting things get to me, get me down, or really even noticing most of what goes on. Because being oblivious and being breezy sometimes are interchangeable, I’m not sure if you knew that.  

Anyway. I pretty much thought this until a few years ago, when CB came into the picture on his actual breezy, patient horse, and started referring to me as Type A. Which I’m pretty sure he meant as a sort-of compliment, but I took it to heart because all I knew was that Reese Witherspoon, Beth, and Courtney have described themselves as Type A, and at least two of those people care way more about germs than I do. Reese and I haven’t spoken in real life yet, so I can’t confirm her status on sanitizer.

And so I eventually googled Type A and Type B personalities, just so I could prove CB wrong (in a breezy, totally don’t really care sort of way) and came across these definitions:

Type A
The theory describes "Type A" individuals as ambitious, rigidly organized, highly status-conscious, sensitive, impatient, take on more than they can handle, want other people to get to the point, anxious, proactive, and concerned with time management. People with Type A personalities are often high-achieving "workaholics" who multi-task, push themselves with deadlines, and hate both delays and ambivalence. It is therefore understood that "Type A" personalities are suited to smoking as a mechanism for relieving stress.

Type B
The theory describes "Type B" individuals as a contrast to those with Type A personalities. People with Type B personality by definition generally live at a lower stress level and typically work steadily, enjoying achievement but not becoming stressed when they do not achieve. They may be creative and enjoy exploring ideas and concepts. They are often reflective.

Well, there you have it. Clearly not Type A, you guys – I’ve never been a smoker and my mechanism for relieving stress is making lists and organizing my sock drawer. #You’vebeenserved,Wikipedia.

Also, Type B sounds like the people who don’t seem to be bothered by things like deadlines, returning emails, or wearing shoes at work – all things that annoy me to the point of distraction on a day-to-day basis.  

Which is when it hit me: I don’t know myself at all.

However, luckily I’m married to someone who totally does, and so it’s helpful when he points out things and makes them sound funny instead of insane.

You see, CB has started compiling a list that he likes to call “The List” (being creative is one of the five things he’s good at). It consists of people that I apparently get slightly annoyed with and mention to him every day  once in a while. Like the girl who lived above us and wore heeled shoes ALL OF THE TIME indoors. I began referring to her as Tenderfoot and couldn’t focus on my favorite tv shows when she was busy walking around with her shoes on her in own home. It was distracting, and apparently so was I, as I’d point the noise out to CB who was like “Oh, I hadn’t noticed.”

HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE.

Or the girl in my office who walks around with her cell phone in-hand ALL OF THE TIME – when she’s walking through the halls, when she’s making coffee, when she’s going into the bathroom – it’s distracting and somehow intensely irritating to me. However, CB doesn’t quite understand why this would bother me.

Me: “Because it’s unprofessional.”
CB: “Ok, but how is she actually impacting your day?”
Me: “By being annoying.”
CB: “Right. But….maybe just don’t let it bother you so much?”
Me: “It’s like you don’t know me at all. I literally can’t even focus on my task at hand when I see her with her phone, texting and not even watching where she’s going.”
CB: “You have spent a lot of your energy being annoyed by her and she probably doesn’t even know it.”
Me: “Because she’s too busy texting! This is exactly my point.”

Or the girl in my office who decides sometimes just not to wear shoes and, instead, walks around the halls with her socks on. To the point that I actually thought I would shame her into realizing she doesn’t work in a barn (where you should also definitely wear shoes, FYI) and was like “Ooops! You don’t have any shoes on!” and she was like “Oh yeah, it’s way more comfortable that way.”

Um yes, and so are pajama pants, but I refrain from wearing mine to the actual office because we are adult professionals.

CB: “Yeah, that’s weird that she’s not wearing shoes.”
Me: “Weird? WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?”
CB: “Again, though – how does this affect you?”
Me: “It’s just bad precedent. And weird behavior!”
CB: “God I couldn’t even imagine if you were her manager.”
Me: “I’d put her on probation.”
CB: “Without warning?”
Me: “I mean, ok, I’d probably give her a verbal warning. But you shouldn’t have to warn someone to PUT THEIR SHOES ON.”
CB: “You’re getting loud.”

And then yesterday, I had this exchange with a friend as we were walking into the gym.

Me: “Did you see that girl at the counter when we were checking in?”
AK: “Yeah, why?”
Me: “She’s my least favorite person in this gym.”
AK: “I can’t wait to hear this.”
Me: “She leaves all of her stuff all over the locker room, treating the woman who brings in and folds the towels like her maid. She leaves her wet towels just laying on the floor, takes up the entire bench with her giant bag and stuff, and won’t make room for you if you have a locker next to her. I legitimately spend a lot of time while here thinking about how rude she is and how I wouldn’t want to know her in real life.”
AK: “And do you sometimes glare at her? Because she gave us a look as we approached.”
Me: “Maybe. I can’t help my glare-face sometimes. But also, she just looks like that, I think.”
AK: “I love hearing your list of people you can’t stand.”

But anyway, I’ve digressed slightly. The point here is that I didn’t know this about myself. I didn’t know that I was Type A, I didn’t know that I was easily bothered by things others don’t even notice, and I didn’t know that I spend most of my days exhausting myself over things that have zero effect on me at all. It's difficult to be Type A and have ADHD all at the same time, you guys. 

Which is why I’m such a sleepy person, is what I've explained over and over to CB, and so we should really all just marvel that I’m awake as long as I am. Because now that no-shoe-wearer is walking around, I’m barely keeping it together.


Happy Wednesday! 

Monday, March 2, 2015

Wait, what?

So you guys. I got a phone call yesterday from a fellow friend and blogger who was like "Hey, congrats on being a top five finalist for the most humorous blogs" and I was like "Wait, what?" And obviously thought it was a joke and didn't look into it for several hours.

And then I was like "Wait, WHAT?" Because it turns out that it's actually true.

I KNOW.


Though, if we're being honest, it's kind of the only way I could ever be a part of something like this - by not being a part of it at ALL. I mean, I'm totally oblivious with most things, but c'mon, Beck, get it together!

I knew that the nominating process was happening (by reading other people's blogs), but I was like "Oh, that's awesome! I can't wait to see who wins!" and then never thought of nominating myself, or asking you guys to do it. Because I'm terrible at this?

But whatever, I basically feel like I've won already, and not even in a fake "it's just an honor to be nominated" speech that will hate spiral me into depression if/when I don't win. Because my blog is next to The Bloggess, you guys. Which kind of gave me a touch of the vapors, I'm not gonna lie.

Also, I want to thank my fellow blogger and nominee over at Tanktronic who has always been a big supporter of this little blog. So let's send the love back his way. He's nominated in the "Best Kept Secret" category, so help get the secret out!

Alright, so now that I know that this is happening and I should apparently be involved - and ONLY if you want to (you totally want to) - please head on over (by clicking here) and vote for Stories About My Underpants in the "Most Humorous Weblog" category (#nuts), as well as Tanktronic....and in the food category, Skinnytaste. It's not an exaggeration to say that everything I have cooked and continue to cook in the last 18 months has come from her blog and/or cookbook. It's AMAZING, you guys.

And then you can feel good about yourselves that you've accomplished something today that required almost no effort. Which is how I like to count my accomplishments so that I have more things on the list. It's what the most successful people do.

Thank you so much for supporting this blog for the last four years, and thank you UNIVERSE for being like "oh, you think you might have to blog less because your life is so busy and important? THINK AGAIN, lady!"

Message received.

Friday, February 27, 2015

Friday Wrapup

Let's get to it!

***

I don't know why, but for some reason this video of Franciscan monks throwing snowballs at each other, squealing and laughing, just makes me laugh. Apparently, they're monks in Jerusalem, which hasn't seen snow since the 1990s. 

I can't help what makes me laugh, you guys! 



***
This week's book was brought to you by my never-ending thoughtfulness. Or, trying to figure out what on earth to get my dad for Christmas. Either way, it ended in this post, and so the blogging and reading world should be happy. Check out "The Innovators" (which is on my FOREVER LONG list) and browse around for more inspiration!

***

And now, a programming note. You've probably noticed that I've been a little less consistent with the blogging lately, and that's due to a variety of factors - only one of which is the growing human inside of me that renders me SO TIRED all of the time. But between the heightened demands of my job, the aforementioned human baby, and forgetting what day it is more often than in my past, I've been slacking.

So I'm here to say....well, it probably won't change for a while. And thanks for sticking with me! I will certainly be posting once during the week in addition to Friday, so you dry those tears, it'll all be ok! And some weeks I may even surprise myself and be the three-day-a-weeker that we've grown to know, love, and tolerate.

But for right now, I need to give myself a break and blog a little less (i.e. twice a week). And, again, thanks for sticking with me!

***

I'm not even going to get into the Great Debate of 2015 over that stupid dress, you guys. I'm not. You know why? Because it's white and gold and you people are crazy who see blue and black. I do realize that there are more important things in the world, but this sh*t is bananas. (and if you have zero clue about which I speak, click here.

***

God I love this. These kids are JAMMIN' to Led Zepplin. And I love the kid in the Oregon shirt who kind of can't be bothered with band?


***

And now, the Video of the Week. Since it's my dad's birthday today (Happy Birthday, Dad!), I wanted to pay tribute to his love of all things James Brown and play a video not at all by James Brown. However, my dad does have a man-crush on Bruno Mars. And since he loved the live version I put up here a few months ago, I figured I'd share the actual video with you all in honor of his BIRTHDAY.

Enjoy, dad! (and the rest of you, but mainly dad). Happy Birthday!


Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Throwing it back...

....because this week is trying to kill me.

Also, because I'm going to be a parent soon and, um, should we be concerned about that?


So today I was walking behind some moms and their kids, though I have no idea how old these kids were. Let’s just say that they were old enough to walk on their own and young enough that they’re still being supervised by parents. As we’ve firmly established, I struggle knowing how old kids are until they’re about 25.  Anyway, as I was de-tangling my headphones, I started listening to the conversation between the mothers about all things parenting. Usually this is just like white noise to me because, well, I don’t have kids and so it’s pretty boring to listen to unless you do. And maybe even then? Not sure, just guessing.   

Anyway, one of the moms was talking about the organic milk she just found at some store in the city. The other mom then talked about some article she read about the various types of organic food you should be feeding your children and how she won’t shop at the grocery store anymore because she can’t imagine putting that stuff into her kids.

Question: if you don’t go to the grocery store, where do you get your food? The organic farm on your fire escape? I was intrigued. Also, if by “that stuff” she means Oreos, then I consider that child abuse and those kids should immediately be removed from her house and sent to mine until they start to crash from the sugar I give them, at which time I will then promptly send them back.

Meanwhile, their kids may as well have been wrapped in bubble wrap. (sidebar: if/when I have kids, they for SURE will be wrapped in bubble wrap, but that’s merely because they will be the spawn of me and, to be fair, I really should have bubble wrap on at all times to protect myself and others. ) Anyway, the one boy who looked between the ages of 5-15 was wearing a helmet, knee pads, elbow pads, and a vest. The vest had some sort of reflector on it. It was daytime.

The other kid, roughly the same age-range, was wearing all the same stuff except the reflector vest, but wasn’t riding a bike. Or walking along side one. I’m guessing they were sharing? No idea. But boy was he prepared for any kind of trip or fall!

And that got me to thinking: kids today, fresh with the challenges of youth and all things digital, are maybe missing out. Why? Because they totally don’t know what’s coming to ‘em. And what better way to parent than to completely terrify your kids about the realities of the cold, cruel world and let them fall off their bikes and scrape their elbows once in a while?

I should totally write a parenting blog.

So, since I have a really exciting commute, I compiled a list of a few things from my childhood that my niece and all future Becky Kids won’t have the pleasure of experiencing.

Let’s proceed:

Not winning all the time.

When I was a kid, I lost at a lot of things, especially anything math related. And it was all good. Know why? Because when I actually won something or excelled at something, it felt great. But nowadays it seems that everyone wins a trophy! Uh, not to brag or anything, but I totally won a trophy in the form of a piano glass when I was in elementary school because I had the best costume during our piano recital. I was Holly Hobby - obviously -  and that glass is still somewhere at my parent’s house and I still remember how awesome that felt because that outfit was killer.

Be jealous. 
But I digress. The problem, in my opinion, with everyone winning a trophy is that, while I think healthy self-esteem and encouraging kids to find their true selves or whatever is really important, I think it’s also really important to know that when you walk into work on your first day, fresh out of college, you don’t get a raise for knowing how to turn on your computer. Unless my job would like to start rewarding me for doing such a thing, in which case I take back #1 and parents today are totally doing it right.

Falling down and feeling it.

Maybe this is mean and perhaps the reason why the universe has kept kids away from me up until this point, but I think maybe it’s ok sometimes to fall off your bike. Ok, I’ll give you the helmet thing; closed head injuries are bad all around, and boy should I know. But c’mon, it’s called a calculated risk, people! It’s a bike, it’s not motorized, your kid needs to learn some balance already and nothing teaches a kid balance like a few scrapes and bruises.

Future Mother of the Year? Obviously.

And if you’re really intent on getting some sort of lesson out of bike riding that they can take with them that they won’t use against you when they’re in therapy later in life, you can make up some Oprah-esque thing about how riding a bike is like a metaphor for life, and throw in something about balance and learning how to pick yourself up and dust yourself off. OR you could just tell them that sometimes you fall off bikes and sometimes it hurts and that’s what Band-aids are for. Whichever approach works best for you. 

The art of the written word.

Alright, so I’m about to blow some minds up in here, but do you know that kids today (yep, that just came out of my mouth) don’t learn how to write in cursive!!!?? What?? How is that possible???? It boggles the mind. But I think what might be even more disturbing is that they aren’t learning how to communicate like human adults. Or really humans, period. And I’m worried for their future! Because if they don’t know how to even send a proper email, complete with proper punctuation and words spelled out in their entirety, I shudder to think about future work transactions and our ability to survive as a nation.

Also, I realize that I am officially a 344 years old AND an alarmist. But I own those titles proudly, so let’s move on. 

Patience.

I will admit that I struggle with this and I grew up in the 80s, long before bike helmets and organic Oreos, so perhaps we could all learn from this one. But remember the days when you had to wait for a show to be on at, like, the time it just came on the tv? No Tivo, no On Demand. If you missed the Cosby Show you had to put up with everyone else talking about it the next day who didn’t forget that yesterday was Thursday.

If you wanted to listen to music and remembered that one of your favorite songs was track 5, you had to fast forward, rewind, or flip over the tape to do so. And you listened to entire albums, usually out of sheer laziness, but hey, it worked for us. Also, it’s the reason I can still recite every single lyric to every single song from the “Merry Merry Christmas” album by the New Kids on the Block. But whatever.

“We owe you one, tape players!” 

Oh! And you had to look stuff up in a book! I know, right? Again, I struggle with this one, too, since we all know my love for all things Google. But kids today (there it is again!) don’t even know what the Dewey Decimal System is! For shame. And I won’t even get into the days when we all had to wait a week for our film to get developed and ended up with 22 doubles of my mom’s left index finger and a picture of our family cat running in front of the one shot that came out not blurry.

And there you have it. An incomplete list of things that worry me about “kids today,” complete with non-anachronistic examples! Win/win. Also, highly important to all parents, I’m sure, and something that will likely turn the tables of parenting as we know it. Obviously. So if you have anything to add to the list, let me know!

Happy Hump Day! 

Friday, February 20, 2015

Friday Wrapup

Let's get to it!

***

I can't help it. I sometimes just watch "Billy on the Street" when I want to laugh because he ALWAYS delivers. For some reason, I love it when he yells at pretty much anyone or nothing. Click here and tell me if Big Bird's voice has totally changed since we were kids? I mean, I get it, you guys, I understand how showbiz works. Our Big Bird probably retired. But this one just sounds....NOT LIKE MY CHILDHOOD! (I'm channeling Billy.)

Enjoy.

***

This week's book is "An Officer and a Spy". Click here - this sounds like a book CB will read while I'm STILL TRYING TO FINISH my one. He's such a show-off.

Let me know what you think!

***

Ok, this week's video is a two-fer. Because tomorrow we're going out to celebrate Beth's belated birthday, and there will likely be pregnant Becky dancing, which nobody would like to see, but it's what I do for my friends, people.

And this song is a throwback to one of mine and Beth's all-time favorites. It also fits into the category CB calls "stuff you can never let our kid hear you listen to." Jay-Z, Ludacris, Kanye, Drake, and Biggie fall into this category as well. And I'm not ashamed to say that I made CB blush the other day in the car when I knew all of the words to a Ludacris song that makes me a little bit less of a lady (it's catchy!)

Anyway, the first video is the original. The second video is the little girl in the red jumpsuit (who we loved back in the day) all grown up and still workin' it! Enjoy! (Also, maybe just skip these, mom and dad? And mother-in-law? I'm a lady. IT WAS COLLEGE!)







Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Conversations from Cohabitation

This morning, as always, CB was saying hello to the baby.

CB, rubbing my stomach: “Hi baby.”

Walks away.

Me: “You know the baby can hear your voice now, so it’s good that we both talk to it.”
CB: “I feel like all I need to do is say hello because the baby probably would appreciate peace and quiet.”
Me: “Are you implying it gets tired of hearing my voice?”

Silence.

Me: “Um, my voice is soothing to the baby.”
CB: “Sure.”
Me: “It is! My voice, I’ll have you know, is going to be one of the things that brings our baby comfort!”
CB: “Uh huh.”
Me: “It’s true. I mean, think about it – I’m going to be one of the only things that calms our baby when it’s crying. Me. My voice.”
CB: “This poor kid got the short end of the stick and doesn’t even know it.”
Me: “It’s better that way.”

***

The other night, after an exhausting (for me) day of registering, CB and I were sitting quietly, doing a puzzle. All of a sudden, that Five for Fighting song came on Pandora (“Superman”). CB looks up at me and I’m crying.

CB: “Are you ok?”
Me: “No. I can’t stop crying!”
CB, continuing to puzzle while trying to calm the crazy person: “Is it the song?”
Me: “No. I don’t know. Maybe.”
CB: “Because you’re almost 40?”
Me: “I hate you. And no. But yes!”
CB: “Ok…..”
Me: “I mean, doesn’t it freak you out that it’s been us for all of these years and now all of a sudden we have this little person coming into our lives and what if we don’t know what to do? And it all happens so fast, you know? Life!”
CB: “Right, but it’ll be wonderful.”
Me, sobbing and blowing my nose: “I know, and I’m so excited!”
CB: “I can tell….”
Me: “I really am! But I’m also terrified. I mean, all of a sudden our kid will be 15 and then 30 and where did the time go?”
CB: “Oh boy…..”
Me: “And what if I don’t know how to be a good mom?”
CB: “You’ll be a great mom.”
Me: “And you’re so calm! Why are you so calm?”
CB: “I don’t know, because I know that we’re so fortunate and that we are a great team and have a great support system and will do our best for this baby.”
Me: “And then he or she is a teenager and doesn’t even want to hang out with us.”
CB: “Well, yeah.”
Me: “And I’m sitting here at a puzzle crying over how I’m scared I won’t be a good enough parent and then our kid is going to be sassy and it’ll never know!”
CB: “That its mother is crazy?”
Me: “That we love this baby so much without even having met him or her yet!”
CB: “Note to self. Skip this song next time."
Me: “Yeah, I think that’s a good idea.”


Happy Wednesday!

Friday, February 13, 2015

Not a real Friday Wrapup

So, I just got back from a doctor's checkup for sassy baby and me, and all looks good! But I didn't draft a wrapup this week, and so....alas.....we are without one this week.

However, I'll be back in full force next week, don't fear!

Happy Friday, everyone!

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Love is in the air.....

Throwing back to 2013:

***


I love love. I also happen to love Valentine’s Day, which opens me up to ridicule every single year from beloved friends and family who totally don’t know how to get on board with celebrating every holiday to the max.

Courtney: I don’t understand why on earth you like this made-up holiday.
Me: I love love and I’m impervious to your judgment.
Me: It’s Valentine’s Day Week!
CB: Seriously? You’ve turned the one day into an entire week?
Me: Um yes. Have we met? This is how I roll. I love love.
  
However, I think maybe I’m doing love wrong? Because I just read an article where nearly every single “tip” about how to romance it up on Valentine’s Day left me realizing that either CB has gotten the tremendously short end of the stick, or people who write love tip articles have closed head injuries.

You be the judge.

1. Do things in a big wayCraig liked doing things in a big way. He was a dramatic and loud (though lovable) kind of guy. Mary, on the other hand, was proper and quiet (and just as lovable). Craig sometimes criticized Mary for not being expressive or outrageous enough. Until . . . one day when Craig returned home from a business trip and was greeted by Mary and two hundred forty-three members of the local high school marching band on their front lawn.

"I can help you bring in the noise,
the funk....and the sweet, sweet lovin'."
Ok, a couple points to be made here. One, I appreciate the writer drawing me in by giving names to this couple. Right away, I totally understand who Craig and Mary are, though I doubt she’s quite as lovable as he is. However, I’m unclear about just who would consider John Philip Sousa marches romantic. Nonetheless, I can appreciate the gesture that Mary is making here, and for that, she receives one point. 

However, if I came home to a two hundred and forty-three member marching band in CB’s studio apartment, a few things would happen: 1, I’d immediately begin worrying for CB’s safety and wonder where he was, since he would likely be crushed by the tuba player who was layered up on top of the trombonist because his apartment is approximately 400 square feet. 2, I’d wonder where CB met a high school marching band in his free time and would perhaps have to begin a conversation about hobbies.  Either way, romance lost, moment ruined.

Moving on.

2Go through revolving doors together.

I basically just skipped right over this one because it’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. But let’s play this one out, just for kicks.

First of all, shoving yourself into a revolving door with your partner isn’t romantic. It’s mildly terrifying and probably a fire hazard. Also, you’d be so busy giving each other footing orders on how to properly make it through this moment alive and without face planting into the glass, that you’d totally forget that you were supposed to be sharing a romantic moment altogether.

Uh, and don’t even try to give each other a peck or anything. That’s just asking for a Bridget Jones moment, and you’re probably not even getting to kiss Colin Firth. Not worth it.


3. Practice "Even-Day/Odd-Day" Romance: On even days it's your turn to be romantic, and on odd days it's your partner's turn.

Yeah, I’m just going to go ahead and say that this sounds way too close to a math story problem for me, and so I’d have to skip the love all around. Also, what if one of you was sick on your even/odd day? Does the other person take over romance duties? What if you’re too sick for romance? And then do you double-up? And then when do you decide who’s day it is after you’ve each done double-duty after you got over pneumonia?

It’s very complicated, gives me anxiety, and also sounds like something unsustainable – like dieting. Again, romance lost, no love for CB. 

4. Want to jazz up the presentation of a special meal? Buy a little hunk of dry ice from a local ice house. Put it in a bowl of water and place it on your serving tray. You'll create wondrous, billowing white clouds!

Oh sweet Lord, please don’t “jazz up” my food. I’m barely able to wait for us to both be served before diving in as it is because I’m like a bear who’s been hibernating all winter. Also, if there was weird, billow-y smoke coming from the serving tray I didn’t know we owned, I’d probably worry that it was on fire, run to get the fire extinguisher, and put out the fake romance fire. Thus, ruining the entire meal altogether. And, most likely, the romance. Because that foam-y extinguisher stuff is hard to get out of the carpet, and I hate a mess. 

Truth. 

5. Dress up for dinner at home. Tuxedo for him, evening gown for her.

This could work for CB if he wasn’t dating a Golden Girl. The first order of business when I walk through the door is to immediately take my clothes off, and not in a romantic, Victoria’s Secret-type way, either. I’m like “Ugh, I need my house pants, stat!” while CB sits there and counts all the ways he can’t believe he got so lucky.

Also, CB is bringing the perfect amount of romance on Thursday by taking me out to dinner, and so I made sure to really class up the moment by asking him if I had to wear a skirt, which then caused me anxiety over clothing options. So, let’s just go ahead and assume I don’t own an evening gown, m’kay?


6. Hire a pianist to play during a romantic dinner at home.

Please don’t do this. First of all, not only will you have to hire a pianist, but you’ll have to ask him to bring his own piano, and then it just gets weird for all parties involved.

Also, let’s think this through. While it might be quaint for a few minutes, it’d get weird REAL fast. I mean, not only is there a stranger playing music in your living room, but he’s sitting there while you try to have a romantic meal? I sort of picture it feeling similar to when someone has a guitar and takes it out to play for you, but then the song lasts a little too long and then you’re not sure how much longer you can hold an interested smile before giving them the subliminal message that it’s gotten weird in an uncomfortable way.

I mean, I’d be good for two or three short diddy’s TOPS, and then I’d be like “So no, for real, is this guy staying through dessert? Because I’d really like to put my house pants on sometime soon so I can let the pasta expand and get ready for the chocolate.” 

7. Learn calligraphy so you can create incredible love letters for him/her.

Case in point. 
Question: can anyone ever actually read calligraphy? I thought that this was just something we all thought was pretty, like Sofia Vergara, but didn't actually understand. Am I alone here? Because I can’t tell you the last time I understood anything written on the Bill of Rights. I mean, for as long as it took them to put that thing together, you’d think it’d be easier to read!  

Also, this would go hand-in-hand with the hobby conversation from Romance Item #1 above. If CB has enough time to learn calligraphy, perhaps he has enough time to think of something not lame to show his affection. 


8. Give her one Hershey's Kiss. Give her one thousand Hershey's KissesRemove all the little paper strips (that say "Kisses" on them) from a couple hundred Hershey's Kisses. Fill a little jewelry box with them. Wrap 'em up and present them to her. Write a clever certificate explaining that the little paper slips are coupons.

After throwing up a little in my mouth, I really thought this one through and realized that it might be the worst romance tip yet. First of all, giving someone one thousand Hersey’s Kisses pieces of paper is like the love equivalent of when people put those sparkle bombs in the party envelopes, and so when you open your mail, there’s, like, one billion pieces of glitter all over your rug.

Also, please don’t give me paper you ripped off of chocolate candy. Just give me the candy. Are you new here? 

9. Select a theme for the weekend based on a type of movie. (It could be a film genre, like westerns, science fiction or musicals; or it could be based on a favorite actor or character in a movie.) Rent three movies that match the theme and then: Rent costumes that match the theme! Exercise your creativity and sense of fun with a little fantasy!

Don’t do this. Also, if someone ever made me act out a science fiction or western, I’d probably break up with them over the mere fact that we clearly have no common interests.

However, I will admit that I played this one out in my head, just for laughs, to see if it’d actually work. 

For example, letting me watch “When Harry Met Sally” and then taking me to Washington Square Park while I wear long khaki shorts and a blue cardigan could be fun. And also not outside of my normal wardrobe.

However, it’d probably have to end there, because otherwise we’d just be walking all over New York City while CB says stuff like “Pecan piiiiiiiiiiiiie” and I’m really annoying when we order food. And then we’d both get tired of it after about 15 minutes, realize we were all the way in the city anyway, head over to Beth and Matt’s to hang out and play Cranium, and call it a day. Romance lost, moment ruined.


10. Buy an extra bag of Valentine Conversation Heart candies and save them for use six months later.

And then after you do that, call your dentist because you will break all of your teeth. For real. Have you eaten a candy heart on a normal day? Those things are challenging. Leave ‘em in a bag for 6 months and you better have the oral surgeon on speed dial.

I’m just saying.

***

So perhaps it’s just me, but I need to hazard a guess that I’m not the only one who thinks some time alone with someone you love and some dessert thrown in there for good measure is really all a person needs in life. No?

But you tell me. What are you all doing for the day that love calls home? 

Monday, February 9, 2015

Conversations from Cohabitation

Last week, CB came out of the shower and pointed to a mole he’s had on his arm for years.

CB: “Could one of the dermatologists you work with look at this and remove it for me?”
Me: “Oh sure, no problem. I’ll check on some of them and see who takes our insurance.”
CB: “Great, thanks.”
Me: “Dr. B would be great, actually, and I’m seeing him soon so I could mention it and find out his availability.”

Pause.

CB: “Any good looking, single, female doctors you work with in the city?”
Me, thinking legitimately about this: “Hmmm…I have some good looking female doctors I work with, but none of them are single, as far as I know.”
CB: “No big deal.”

Pause.

Me: “Wait a minute. Um, that doesn’t matter. YOU’RE not single!”
CB, laughing: “I was wondering when you were going to catch onto that.”
Me: “Man, I was actually trying to think of a hot female doctor to send you to!”
CB: “I appreciate it.”
Me: “I’m sure you do! You’re really taking advantage of this baby brain thing.”
CB: “Hey, whatever works!”

***

This morning, I was recalling my multiple dreams to CB, and he was super excited because everyone always likes hearing about other people’s dreams.

Me: “And then I had a dream that was really weird. You were in some place that I guess was a high end strip club? And there was a new stripper there and this manager woman was telling her all about you.”
CB: “Interesting. Were we having the same dream last night?”
Me: “And you started telling her about next time you would be coming back, and I was there and was like-“
CB: “Oh nope, we were not having the same dream. That’s where we differ.”
Me: “I hate you.”
CB: “I know, I love you, too.”


Happy Monday, everyone! 

Friday, February 6, 2015

Friday Wrapup

Let's get to it! First, thank you all for your comments this week on Wednesday's blog. This is why I love doing this. You guys are simply the best. And thanks for spreading it around! It may not be Kim Kardashian's derriere, but it was my version of breaking the Internet. I thank you.

***

If you haven't already, click here to immediately watch Jimmy Fallon go back to Bayside High. You're welcome.

***

This week's book doesn't exist. Because I haven't blogged about anything AND my Kindle is packed so I can't even hurry up and read! So check back next week and I promise there will be one!

***

God, there's nothing I love more than the Lip Sync Battle on the Tonight Show. And when it's combined with Beyonce, it makes my week.


***

This week's video is for my friend, Mary. Yesterday, this text exchange happened between us:



So, this is for you, Mary. Happy Friday!





Wednesday, February 4, 2015

It's Weird, you guys.

So I haven’t done a lot of blogging about this whole baby thing, and that's been intentional. Mainly because you guys didn’t start coming here to read all about BABIES, because I know from experience that, if babies aren’t actually in your body’s wheelhouse at this very moment…who cares?

But then I started hearing from some of you that you’re either pregnant, a new mom, or hoping to be soon – and I realized that I needed to stop censoring myself and just write. Because this here blog isn’t just about my underpants; it’s about my life. Which, as we all know, usually includes my underpants, though now they’re slightly bigger.  And right now, frankly, my life has been taken over by a sassy, onion-sized person that is only 5 inches long and world’s stronger than my soul.

Because…well, baby.

And boy is it weird, you guys. I mean, beautiful, sure. I guess. But only in the abstract? (mother of the year).

Don’t get me wrong:  I'm beyond excited to be pregnant and become a mom - more than I could explain. And I am truly amazed each time I think of the fact that I’m, like, building a person right now. While also typing? And talking to people normally? And by just, you know, being me everyday? That’s INSANE. It’s NUTS. It’s actually a bit overwhelming, which is probably why I have 9 months (it’s 10 months, you liars) to let it sink in. But I’m guessing just as it does, a person comes out of me and I’m like ‘I’VE BEEN TAKEN OVER BY AN ALIEN’ and then it’s a whole new set of things to get used to.

Which I’m thinking is pregnancy preparing me for parenthood. Just basic preparation for never understanding again what the f is going on ever, for forever.

However, from the moment you find out you’re pregnant, which is beautiful and terrifying and exciting, one billion questions come at you that DEMAND ANSWERS NOW OH MY GOD. And it's a little overwhelming. 

What are you eating?
What are you drinking?
Don’t eat that.
Don’t drink that.

How are you sleeping?
When do you exercise?
You need to do it more (and you’ll want to).
You need to do it more (and will not want to).

Are you taking vitamins?
Have you made your first doctor’s appointment?
Are you getting your nails done?
Don’t get your nails done!
Do you color your hair?
Don't color your hair! 
Are you eating deli meat?
Did you know you should have a doula?
Did you know that it hurts so much?
Are you over the moon?
How do you feel?
Why do you hate eggs all of a sudden?
Why are you crying because you can’t find your slippers?
Is your stomach growing?
Why is it so big so early?
Why isn’t it bigger yet?
What size fruit is your baby this week?
Is your hair shinier?
Do you have names picked out?
Do you know the gender?
Why aren’t you finding out the gender?
Do you realize ALL of your stuff from NOW ON will only be green, yellow, and orange? DO YOU?
Have you registered?
Where are you registering?
When’s your shower?
Why is it so late?
Isn’t that too early?
How’s your husband feeling?
Are you being nice to him?
Did you know he’s experiencing changes too?
Are you sleepy?
Are you pukey?
Are you getting genetic testing done?
Why?
Why not?
Did you know that your vagina will never be the same?
Did you know that if you have a C-section it’ll take even longer to recover?
Do you know what you’re bringing to the hospital?
Do you know why you’re crying while I’m talking to you about paint colors?
Do you know that you’ll never sleep again?
Do you know it’s the best hardest job you’ll ever have?
Do you have a 529 set up?
Do you know how much childcare costs??
Did you know that you should sleep now because you will NEVER SLEEP AGAIN?
Will you go back to work?
Do you want to go back to work?
Do you know what day it is?
Can you find where you last left your purse?
Do you know why you’re crying over running out of shampoo?

Well…DO YOU?

Don’t get me wrong. It’s weirdly incredible. But it’s still WEIRD, you guys. It’s weird to have a person inside your person. It’s weird to be touched by a lot of strangers, only some of whom are doctors or nurses. It’s weird to talk about your vagina with other women who have also had people come out of there. It’s weird to feel your hips and legs and body grow in ways you’ve never felt before. It’s weird to feel completely maternal and completely un-feminine, all at the same time. It’s weird to know that you’re being insane and just not being able to stop. It’s weird to want to be recognized for all you’re going through while also being seen as attractive by your partner. It’s weird to puke every day and consider it "normal." It’s weird to hate food you’ve loved for decades and crave stuff you’ve never had. It’s weird to feel completely excited and ready, and completely ill-prepared and terrified.

IT’S WEIRD, you guys.

Which is why I haven’t written about it until now. Because honestly, every time I went to write something, I wasn’t quite sure what I was trying to say. I mean, if you say it’s weird or you’re scared, people might look at you and be like “the state should definitely take her baby away.” And if you walk around in a blissful, joyful haze, feeling nothing but complete connection to the growing child inside of you, you’re lying. (sorry)

Which isn’t to say that I’m not feeling connected. I’ve actually never felt so connected to someone I’ve never met (except Ryan Gosling) and SO protective of someone I've yet to lay eyes on.

And I guess that’s what being a mom is, at the end of the day. If I’m learning anything, that is. Which I’m probably not. Because of baby brain. Did you know about baby brain? Yeah, me either.

So what I'm saying is, it’s weird, you guys. And it’s wonderful. And sometimes it’s those things all at the same time.